The Horizontal Lieutenant Page #5

What part of Japan

do you come from?

I'll say Hokkaido... that where

my grandfather come from.

Ok, from now on, your folks still

live in Hokkaido. Understand?

Now, what town?

No town. They live

in the country.

Fine. What do they do

in the country?

I guess they are farmers.

Don't guess!

Ok, they are farmers!

Rich farmers?

Poor farmers. No money.

All we eat is what we grow.

Ok.

Now, careful, now: What

do your folks grow?

Pineapples?

Not pineapples, Buddha-head.

No pineapples in Japan.

Tada, it's daikon, vegetables!

Ok! Don't hit!

Hey, that reminds me.

When you were holed up in the hills,

what did you live on?

Mmm... Denden mushi.

Denden mushi... fine.

How did you cook them?

I ate them raw.

Attaboy! Where did

you find them?

I don't know. I don't

even know what they are.

Buddha-head, they're

giant snails.

And I ate them raw?!

[Groaning loudly]

Now stop that! Stop it!

I don't eat no giant snails.

Not even cooked.

Now look, nobody's asking

you to eat snails.

Just say you ate

them, that's all.

If I say I ate them,

they may give me some.

Will you cut that out?

[Groaning loudly]

I quit, lieutenant! I quit

this lousy spy business!

[Telephone rings]

[Both speaking at once]

Hold it!

Yes, commander.

You have? Yes, sir,

we'll be right over.

Commander Hammerslag has

just captured Kobayashi!

Yay! Hey!

Then I don't have to be a spy?

No lousy snails?

Oh, boy! Don't hit! Don't hit!

Tada!

Wye:
Where's Kobayashi, sir?

Is he here?

Kobayashi, did you say?

Just who is this Kobayashi?

Here you are, lieutenant.

Try that on for size.

Thank you, sir. Sir, you

said you'd caught him.

So I did. I haven't exactly

clamped the leg

irons on him yet,

but I will, and soon.

Right, Buckles?

Oh, aye, aye, sir.

Can I, uh, twist your arm?

You think you could

spare a drop, sir?

Help yourself, and give

some to the young fella there.

Oh, thank you, sir. Very kind.

To the sinking of Kobayashi,

as sharp an enemy

as any man would want,

in war or peace.

Ah!

Sir, if you haven't got him,

just what have you got?

I have a clue, ha ha!

The key to the mystery.

Here you are.

Take a bearing on that.

What is it?

That is a can of corn,

my boy, a can of Iowa corn.

That make sense to you?

I see a puzzled look

in his eye, right, Buckles?

Buckles, chuckling:

Aye, aye, sir.

Wait, sir. Is that one of the cans

of corn that was stolen by Kobayashi?

Now, now you're with it.

You see, we found that can

of corn on one of the natives.

All we have to do is ask the native

who had that can of corn

who gave him that can of corn,

and we have the man who stole

that can of corn, right?

Oh, very clear thinking, sir.

Ah, sir... call me Jerry.

My wife calls me jer.

All right, men?

Down the hatch, hmm?

Buckles?

Aye, aye, sir.

Now, the native seems

willing to talk,

but, of course, we don't

savvy the lingo.

That's going to be

your job, young fella.

Aye, aye, sir.

Gentlemen, here's the man who's going

to lead us to Kobayashi.

Tell him to sit

down over there.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Speaking Japanese]

Never mind that. Ask him where

he got this can of corn. Corn.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Speaking foreign language]

What did he say?

What did he say?

I don't know.

What do you mean,

you don't know?

You speak Japanese, don't you?

Aye, aye, sir, but this man

doesn't speak Japanese.

I think he speaks Charano.

What's "Charano"?

It's one of the native

dialects.

Oh. Well, what we need

is someone who speaks Charano.

Buckles, you and the fellow

round up someone that speaks, uh, Charano.

Aye, aye, sir.

Merry Christmas.

All right, let's see if I...

if I understand this. Get this straight.

Now, the stout fellow here

speaks Charano, right?

Yeah, he speaks

Charano and Japanese.

Good, good.

But, he don't

speak no English.

We can handle English,

right, Merle?

You said it, Jerry boy!

You ask him to ask him where

he got that can of corn.

Aye, aye, sir.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Speaking Charano]

[Speaking foreign language]

Uh, what did he say?

[Speaking Japanese]

What did he say?

What did he say?

He say the old man

don't speak Charano.

He speaks Caroline island.

Him, he don't speak

Caroline island.

Well tell him he's got

to speak Carolina island!

Tell him it's imperative

to speak Carolina island!

Well, if he don't speak

it, he don't speak it!

Can't just send him to school.

How do you like that, Buckles?

[Slurring] I don't

like it at all.

What's your suggestion?

The obvious solution.

This guy here don't

speak Charano,

and this guy here don't

speak Carolinian,

we got to get a guy in here

who speaks Carolinian.

Q.E.D.

Buckles, get on your horse.

Buckles!

What do you want?

I want you to go out and dig

up a man that speaks Carolinian.

Where am I going to find a man

who speaks Carolinimum

this time of night?

I didn't ask you where

you're going to find him,

I said go find him!

That's an order!

All right, all right.

I'm going.

Fresh kid.

Never should have

offered him liquor.

Right.

What took you so long?

You've been gone

almost an hour.

So what about it?

You think men who speak

Caroninimum grow on trees?

You think men who speak

Carolim grow on trees, sir!

Sir.

Now let me get this

straight, Merle.

I tell your man Tada here

what I want to know,

and he asks fatty,

who asks the new man,

and the new man asks

the man on the cot.

Am I right?

Ah!

That's the ticket, Jeremiah.

You ask him, to tell him,

to ask him where he got

that can of corn.

Aye, aye, sir.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Speaking Charano]

[Speaking Carolinian]

[Speaking Carolinian]

W-w-what'd he say?

[New man speaking Charano]

What'd he say?

[Speaking Japanese]

What'd he say? What'd he say?

He say he's been here

for long time.

Can he go to the men's room?

Hey, lieutenant. No, don't.

Wake... don't!

Ooh.

How you feel, lieutenant?

You got a hung-over?

[Whispering] Oh, I feel great.

It's just my head

keeps falling off.

Oh, Tada. How can you do that?

Whiskey don't have

no effect on me.

All it do is make me smart.

I know where the old

man get can of corn.

You do? Where?

Sure! He get it...

shh, shh, shh!

Oh, no, they couldn't

have stolen it.

Are you sure

that's where he got it?

He told me.

Well, we'll soon find out.

Come on.

Hey, thanks very much.

This is the place, lieutenant.

Nice work, Tada.

Aye, aye, sir.

Good morning, sister.

Good morning. I was told

you wanted to see me.

Sister, got a problem.

A very important problem...

And I came in the hopes

that maybe you could help me.

I will try.

How long have you

been an alcoholic, my son?

[Chuckles]

No wait, it...

This is only temporary,

believe me.

I will pray for you.

Sister, ahem. What

I came about...

Did you give an old

man a can of corn?

[Chuckles] The old Carolinian.

Yes, of course.

You certainly haven't

taken it away from him?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He can have it.

What we want to know

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