The Horse in the Gray Flannel Suit Page #3

she's homely.

Homely?

Helen thinks

she's homely.

But, Aunt Martha,

she is a beautiful girl.

Oh, yes, Fred. I know this,

and you know this, but Helen doesn't.

Oh, try to understand.

It's just part of growing up.

You see, that's why

her riding is so important.

It gives her poise,

a sense of accomplishment.

Homely.

Well, I'll try to figure

something out.

- I knew you would, Freddie.

- Yeah.

I knew it.

Now, do you want me

to clean up this mess?

Aunt Martha,

this mess is what's left of my career.

No, no, just go on to bed

and let me pull the temple...

- down around my own shoulders, all right?

- Oh.

Would you like a glass

of warm milk?

Wouldn't help.

Good night, Aunt Martha.

Good night, Fred Bolton.

Good night,

Aspercel account.

Good night, Tom Dugan.

Good night, everything.

Aspercel, Aspercel,

when you're sick, it makes you well.

When you're dead,

you're dead.

That's...

A gimmick!

A gimmick, a gimmick, a gimmick.

My kingdom for a gimmick.

[Barking]

A horse!

Herbie! Herbie, hey,

bring that back here.

Hey, Herbie!

[Whimpering]

Herbie, this could be it,

the gimmick.

And it's a double play:

- A horse for Helen,

high society for Dugan.

- [Barking]

Now if we want

the class market...

we've got to make Aspercel

the "in" pill from Bar Harbor to Biarritz.

We've got to give our product

social acceptance, a new image.

What we want, Mr. Dugan,

is to have the name Aspercel

associated with high society.

We wanna do that in such a way

that the general public is not

aware that it's happening.

That means we go

the subliminal r...

And where do we begin

this campaign of ours, Mr. Dugan?

Where society's social season

begins:
At the horse show.

I said, at the horse show!

Show.

What we do, we shoot

for free publicity...

at horse shows

all over the country.

Picture a beautiful young girl

on a fabulous horse.

Everywhere they appear,

the eyes of the social world...

are on that girl

and that horse.

Their picture is on the fashion page.

They're in the best magazines.

The class trade

is captured.

And what is the name of that

fabulous horse? "Aspercel," Mr. Dugan.

That horse's name

is Aspercel!

- What do you think of it, Mr. Dugan?

- I like it.

You like it?

Yes, sir, I like it.

We could get free play

in all the class media:

Vogue, Harper's Bazaar,

Illustrated London News.

Hit TV, and if

the gimmick works, we can expand.

Enter a boat in the America's Cup race.

Call it the Aspercel.

Good, good. Sponsor a car

in the Indianapolis 500.

- How about a wrestler named

"Aspercel the Terrible"?

- You keep rubbing.

For the culture nuts,

the Aspercel Philharmonic.

- Terrific.

- It's endless,

but we'll start with the horse.

Ya buy the best one

you can find.

Who we gonna get

to ride it?

Helen Bolton...

my daughter.

She's a champion, Mr. Dugan.

Won all kinds of prizes.

Okay, but register the horse

under your daughter's name.

- Keep Allied Drug out of the picture.

- Yes, sir.

Tell Harry Tomes

to make you a vice president.

Good id...

What'd you say, Mr. Dugan?

I don't like doing business

with small fry.

And call me Tom.

Yes. Yes, sir.

Tom.

Has all

the modern refinements:

Outside-inside feed bin;

heavy-duty suspension;

handles like a sports car;

and a quick loading ramp

that comes right down there.

This is

the star's dressing room.

- [Barking]

- Herbie!

[Barking]

Come on, Herbie.

Come here. Come on, boy.

- That's Herbie.

- Oh, very elegant.

Yeah, yeah.

And not everything

meets the eye.

Would you step back over there

just a little bit more, please?

Yeah, that's it.

Now, watch.

You won't believe this,

but I designed it myself.

No, no, no, I believe it.

Just a little oasis for

the riding contestant's father.

Would you care to join me?

Ah, it's a...

I know it's a little fancy.

You don't think it'll scare

the horse, do you?

No, I'm sure he can take it.

He's a very special horse.

Yeah, well, for 5,000 bucks,

he should be.

Well, you told me

to get the best, Mr. Bolton.

Oh, yes. No argument, Miss Clemens.

That I did, that I did.

- Besides, that's not high

for a double champion.

- No.

He won both the junior hunter

and equitation medals

at Harrisburg last year.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, he's really

very good, Mr. Bolton.

I'm sure he is, Miss Clemens.

He's also very late.

He forgot at what time

he was supposed to show up.

Well, it's a long haul

from Pennsylvania.

- Yeah, hey, while we're waiting,

you wanna watch television?

- No, thank you.

- You will help me celebrate.

- I did my celebrating

when I got your check.

Yeah, well, I can't blame you

for that.

Besides, I've got to get back

to my Saturday cross-country class.

You know, I think I'm as excited

about getting this horse as Helen is.

- Daddy, he's here. He's here!

- [Barking]

- [Bolton] I think he's here.

- That's him, all right.

Hey, that's him,

all right, Helen!

[Horse Whinnying]

- Okay, over here. That's fine.

- Bring him out on this side.

That's fi... That's...

Stop! Stop!

[Banging]

- We'd about given you up.

- Yeah.

[Horse Whinnying]

[Whinnying, Banging

Continue]

The whole trip, he's been

banging away like that.

A nine-horse trailer

all to himself...

- but it ain't good enough for him.

- [Nickers]

[Gasping]

Let's get his royal highness out of there

while I still got some trailer left.

Oh, Daddy,

he's beautiful.

He's all yours.

Uh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you

supposed to unpack?

Listen, mister, it took

a breast hitch in front.

Two guys shoving at the back

to get him in. You get him out.

- Do you want me to get him out?

- Oh, no. No, no.

We, uh, have to live

with him, we mi...

[Sneezes]

Might as well start now.

- Daddy, please let me.

- No, no, no. I'll handle it.

Look out, dear.

Don't let him hurt himself.

I'll try not to,

Aunt Martha.

Now, uh...

Aspercel, you just relax.

Just relax.

Everything's gonna...

I'm the friendly type.

- [Blowing Through Nose]

- Gesundheit!

- Hey, this horse is allergic to people.

- [Laughing]

I'll give you

an antihistamine, old boy...

but I think you'd better consult

your own physician.

We're just gonna

unhook this...

No, you're right.

We're gonna unhook...

Well, you old guzzler.

Is it all right for him

to drink beer, Suzie?

One palmful

for medicinal purposes is okay.

How about that?

Yeah.

[Clears Throat]

Unhook... Now, now, that's enough.

You're gonna...

Take that off there.

That's nice and easy.

Let's take a walk.

Here he comes.

- Aspercel, meet your new boss.

- Hello, Aspie.

You're beautiful,

just beautiful.

- Aw.

- I think he's returning the compliment.

Mister, you sure got

a way with horses.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

I mean, I'm happy to make

this discovery myself.

Oh, Aunt Martha, would you help

this discerning young gentleman

to a bit of refreshment?

- [Aunt Martha] Come along, young man.

- Thank you.

All right, honey, would you show Aspie

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