The Hot Chick Page #3

and an entire carton|of ice cream.

And what do you make|of this, hmm?

It's April's soap.

Well?

What do you think?

I think you need more things|to fill out your day.

Okay?

Are we done?

[ Laughs ]

[ Cellular phone rings ]

[ Beep ]

Hello?

[ Jessica crying in deep voice ]

All right, who is this?

I should have made love to you|when I had the chance.

Ohhh...

Father Mulcahy?

[ Beep ]

[ Children shouting playfully ]

[ Gasps ]

[ High-pitched ]|Tell me I'm beautiful.

On the inside.

Look, uh...

Jessica has a problem.

She's only gonna make us|wait an hour this time?

What about the class trip|to Six Flags?

She took so long in the|bathroom, we all missed the bus.

Our parents had to drive|three hours to pick us up.

I had my period, okay?!

[ All gasp ]

[ All laughing ]

Okay, now that everybody's|up to speed,

can we start thinking about|how I can get my life back?

Um, that's definitely gonna cost|you a few votes for prom queen.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Come on, you guys, let's get|serious. Stop dicking around.

[ Laughter ]

Guys!

I've got cheerleading|competition, the prom.

None of my clothes fit.|I think I'm going bald.

And how am I gonna go|to school?

She's right.

Okay...

let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ Gasps ] Maybe it wasn't|an accident.

It's gotta be one of the people|who hates Jessica that did this.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

People don't hate me.

[ Exhales deeply ]

You see, Jess...

because you are|so beautiful and perfect...

Uh-huh?

...certain people|might misconstrue

some of the mean and hurtful|things you say and do to them.

Although the things|you say are funny...

[ Laughs ]

...people tend to focus more

on their own|public humiliation and shame.

So you're saying...

people think...

I'm perfect?

Let's make a list of all|the people who hate Jessica.

You know what would be|a shorter list?

All the people|who "don't" hate Jessica.

[ Laughter ]

You b*tch!

[ All screaming and laughing ]

[ Screaming and laughter|continue in distance ]

Easy on the coffee.

[ All laughing ]

Ha ha ha ha!

Ho ho ho!

- Ugh!|- Ohh!

[ Chuckles ]

Ugh!

[ Gasps ]

- Ugh!|- Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[ Gasps ]

- Ugh!|- Agh!

[ Laughing ]

[ Gulps ]

Huh?

Oh, hi.

Good morning.

[ Groans ]

Did you sleep well?

Mmm. Surprisingly, yes.

You have any...

special dreams?

Not particularly.

Hmm.

You sure?

Why?

Oh, my God, my first boner!

[ Giggles ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

- RICHIE:
There you are!|- Ah!

You're the gardener|from the service, right?

[ Mexican accent ] "Si. "

Damn lawn's a mess.

It's my daughter's|responsibility to look after it,

but you know teenage girls.

Si, si.

"Teenageros. "

Sorry. Richie Spencer.

Ah, um...

Taquito.

Oh, Taquito.

There's the mower.

There's your bag|of fertilizer.

- Oh, ho! [ Gasping ]|- I'll let you get to it.

[ Salsa music plays ]

Damn, I love the smell|of fresh-cut grass.

[ Air hisses ]

"Gr"a"ci"a"s," but...I'm not sure|I'm old enough, "senor. "

[ Laughing ] Yeah, right.

What is the drinking age|in Mexico... 40?

Come on, take a load off.|You can finish in a minute.

[ Sighs ]

Hope you don't mind|the light beer.

I had to cut back|on account of the bloating.

Know what I mean?

I also had to give up the spicy|food on account of my a**hole.

[ Farts ]

Ah!

We're amongst men, aren't we?

[ Breathes deeply ]

"Stinko de mayo. "

You like that car?

That's my daughter's.

Pretty nice, huh?

It would have looked|even better in red.

That's what my daughter said.

We used to go out back on|Sundays and toss a few baskets,

shoot the sh*t.

But she's got her own stuff|going on now.

Who could blame her?|Whole family's falling apart.

What?

Things with the wife...|forget about it.

I mean,|we sleep in the same bed.

Might as well be|separate countries.

That is, like, so sad.

Ay-yi-yi!

Ay-yi...yi.

I tried everything.|Nothing worked.

I even got out the razor and|gave myself a porn-star trim.

Wanna see? Check it out.

Aah!

Boy, she used to be wild.

The sex was great.

We'd be going at it,|and she could still find a way

to twist around|and kiss me on the mouth.

"Senor," information too "mucho. "

Emotional "scarro"...|disgusting.

It's good talking to you,|Taquito.

Oh!

[ Jimmy Eat World's|"Authority Song" plays ]

It's how the hustle goes

See what the jukebox knows

Put my last quarter on

I play "Authority Song"

Honesty or mystery?

Tell me,|I'm not scared anymore

Aha, aha

I got no secret purpose

I don't seem obvious, do I?

Hey, Jessica! Jessica!

Come here!

[ Panting ]

We've got a suspect.

Oh, yes!

Come on.

Something smells|like dog pooh.

I think|I'm sitting next to it.

- Ew!|- [ Laughter ]

APRIL:
Come on, Hildenburg,|don't play dumb.

You hate Jessica, you're good|at this science crap.

Now, just confess|and give us the antidote.

April,|it's physically impossible

for a woman to transform|into a man overnight.

So you're saying that you|had nothing to do with this.

Look...

let's just pretend this was|an alternate universe

where I actually|believed you.

Why would I want to help|Jessica out, anyway?

[ Scoffs, sniffs ]

Jessica!

[ Sighs ]

Hildenburg...[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry|that I humiliated you

in front of|the entire school...

and the visiting 8th-graders.

[ Voice breaking ] But you|have no idea what it's like

to wake up every morning|and have to shave your chin.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Snorting ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Voice breaking ]|Yes, I do.

[ Sobs ]

[ Sighs deeply ]

Who's next on the list?

[ Laughs ] Whoa.

Well, it "is" cold in here.

[ Laughs ]

So you never put a hex on me?

Oh, I put plenty|of hexes on you...

to give you dandruff,|make your hair fall out,

make one of your b*obs|bigger than the other.

[ Laughing ] Oh, I think|you got "me" with that one.

Heh hee hee! Ah hee hee!

[ Light laughter ]

There's some powerful|cult magic at work here...

like an ancient spell...

or voodoo...

or Santeria.

What's Santeria?

It's a Latin-based form|of witchcraft.

It originated in Africa

and then eventually|made its way to Cuba and Brazil.

Bianca!

I knew it.

Most of its rituals|involve a chicken.

That sounds delicious.

I mean, interesting.

EDEN:
|There's a way to tell.

A true practitioner|of Santeria

bears the mark of the scorpion|tattooed on their back.

Bianca's always hanging out

at that dance club...|Instant Tang.

Yeah, tonight's ladies' night,|and we all get in for free!

[ All cheering ]

[ Cheering stops ]

Well, most of us.

Trust me...

Trust me...

you'll never get Bianca to dance|with you looking like this.

Oh, yeah, you're pretty|good-looking for a girl

- [ Girls gasping ]|- But your back is so broken

And this feeling's|still gonna linger on

- No...|- No...

- [ Girls gasping ]|- Until the year 2525 now

Yeah, you're pretty|good-looking for a girl

- [ Gasps ]|- Your eyes are wide open

Ugh! What is that?

And your thoughts have been|stolen by the boys

ALL:
No...

Who took you out and bought|you everything you want, now

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