The Hot Chick Page #5

in the high-school|marching band...

Y- You... you...|you play the tuba?

Yes...

in the honor band.

Oh!

[ Imitating tuba ]

[ Laughs ]

Well, Spence, I'd be going|out on a limb here, but...

You won't regret it, I promise.

Thank you, Miss Bernard.|Thank you.

[ Laughing ]|Please, call me Marjorie.

[ Deep voice ] Marjorie.

Now, if you'll just fill out|the security portion here

of the form...

[ High-pitched ] All right.

[ Laughing ]

Billy...

Aah!

We need to talk.

About what?!

I called you|on your ski trip to...

That was you?!

Yeah.

Oh, God!

I can explain.

- Billy, wait!|- [ Door closes ]

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Panting ]

I gotta do what?

- [ Salsa music plays ]|- [ Barking ]

Boom de rico mambo

Hi, there. I miss you.

Hi, Sam.

[ Barks ]

Hey, Taquito, think fast.

Oh!

[ Mexican accent ]|You got me, "senor. "

Taquito, pick up that ball.

You and me are gonna|shoot some hoops.

Boom de rico mambo

Gotcha!

Back to Tijuana!

[ Laughs ]

[ Basketball bouncing ]

Este rico mambo

Oh!

Oh!

[ Groans painfully ]

Let me make you feel|a little bit more at home.

Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!

Huh

How are things|with the missus, "senor?"

Eh, still not getting any.

[ Sighs ]

When was the last time|you kissed her?

You mean, kiss her,|or "kiss her" kiss her?

[ Laughs ]

Eugggh!

"Senor," sometimes when|a woman is ignoring you,

that's when|she wants you the most.

She's only waiting for you|to open up her passion,

which is like a waterfall|waiting to explode.

You must get a lot|of enchilada, Taquito.

Come on, bring it!

"Tres" points, "senor. "

Lucky shot.

Ah!

My outs again, "senor. "

[ Net swishes ]

Oh!

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

How did you know I don't|move so well to my right?

CAROL:
Booger?

Oh, have you seen your sister?

I feel like I haven't|talked to her in days.

She was here a minute ago.|You just missed her.

Oh.

Good game.

[ Sighs ]

[ High-pitched ]|"Senor" Richie?

I need to tell you|something...

[ Voice breaking ]|but I can't.

What do you got|going on, Taquito?

I'm not really a gardener.

I agree with that.|The roses look like sh*t.

[ Sniffles ]

I'm sorry.

Come on, now,|easy there, big fella.

They're just roses.|[ Chuckles ]

I want to tell you...

I think you're the greatest dad|in the world.

Any kid would be lucky|to have you as their father.

[ Sniffles ]

Thanks, Taquito.

[ Sobbing ]

I'd hate to see you|after you "lose" a game.

EDEN:
Okay, did you eat|any wolfsbane?

Uh, no.

Any sex with a leprechaun?

Not recently.

[ Beeps ]

Oh, my God.

You know, they should come|with a warning...

"earrings may come|with penis. "

[ Foreign accent ]|This be some serious sh*t.

Those belonged|to Princess Nawa.

There's a myth

of her using the earrings|to escape a bad marriage.

[ Up-tempo drum music playing ]

But she didn't know

that she had to bring|the earrings back together,

and she lived out her life|as a slave girl.

Now, it appears that|this myth is anything but.

[ Music swells ]

[ Sighs ]

Would you stop|with the damn drumming?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I...just was really|getting into your story.

You've got to find|that other earring

and unite them|before the full moon end.

[ Introduction|to Custom's "Mess" plays ]

I'm a messed-up kid

With a messed-up head

Driving this wreck|of a life

I got you, babe.|Don't worry about it.

'Cause my messed-up parents

- [ Tapping on window ]|- Hey, Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling!

Ling-Ling, look!

Look, I help! I help you!

They're all a mess|just like me

If you put us all together

It gets really ugly

[ Cheering ]

I'm a mess

I'm a mess

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hey, Billy.

Oh!

Yeah!

Is he okay?

Whoo!

[ Water running ]

JAKE:
|What's the matter, man?

You afraid the janitor's|gonna see your dingdong?

[ Chuckles ]

So, what's up|with you and the prom queen?

I don't know.|[ Sighs ]

I thought everything was fine,|but I guess I was wrong.

See, that's why|you gotta have a spare, man.

That's what April is.|She's my spare.

Spare?

Yeah, she's my backup.

I mean, she was a fun ride...|no doubt about this...

but she is|a previously owned vehicle.

I'm into that new-car smell.

JESSICA:
You a**hole!

W- Whoever left these|towels over here...

is an a**hole.

Now, this new chick I got...|[ Whistles ]

dude, she is gonna be|the hottest chick at the prom.

I bet one of her|little hottie friends

would love to go out|with the quarterback.

- Oh, I don't know, man.|- Come on, man.

Maybe this one will put out,|unlike that cold fish, Jessica.

You go to hell!

Whoever left|these showers on...

go to...hell.

Hey...

Jessica's anything|but a cold fish, all right?

She's the most amazing girl|in the whole world.

Dude, you've never even|been out of California.

I don't care.

I love her.

I mean, I know she thinks

I only want to have|sex with her,

but that's not|what it's about.

I mean,|when that moment comes...

I want it to be perfect.

Wow.

That is the gayest thing|I have ever heard.

She's the only girl|that makes my heart

beat faster and slower|at the same time.

When I'm not with her...

I'm not living.

I'm only existing until I can|hold her in my arms again.

[ Sighs ]

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

[ Sobs ]

[ Sniffles, sighs ]

Somebody sh*t in the locker.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Salsa music plays ]

Can I help you|find something?

[ Mexican accent ]|I- I was looking for my...

earring.

It, uh, accidentally fell...

into the lawn mower...

and, uh...ricocheted|into the window.

[ Laughing nervously ]

I've always liked|earrings on men.

Would you like some lemonade?

Here you go, Taquito.

It's got a Mexican flavor|to it.

[ Coughing, choking ]

[ Coughing ]

What the hell is that?!

Quesadilla and spicy menudo|with jalapenos...

your national dish.

[ Laughing ]

I'm sorry.

[ Sighs, chuckles ]

[ Deep voice ] It's been so long|since I heard you laugh.

[ Mexican accent ]|I mean...

since I started|working here.

- [ Moaning ]|- Oh! Oh!

[ Smooching ]

Back!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, I... I am so sorry.

- [ Sighs ]|- No "problemo. "

[ Sighs ]

No "problemo. "

Oh!

[ Deep voice ]|Aah! Carol! Carol! Please!

This would be|very unnatural for me

in at least|five different ways!

Ah! Oh!

[ Gasps ]

So...you like men?

Of course I do.

What do you think?

Oh...

Oh...

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighing ] Oh...

[ Sighs ]

Carol...

You are a beautiful|and very desirable woman.

And you have a husband|who's "dying" to be with you.

H- He said that?

Yes.

I cleaned up the language|a bit, but...yes.

I know!

Let's go paint your toenails.

Then we'll wash your hair!

[ Laughs ]

My daughter, Jessie,|used to do those things for me.

I'll make up for that|right now.

Come on...

let's show that man of yours|what he's been missing.

- [ Laughs ]|- Come on!

[ Laughing ] Okay!

[ Sighs ]

[ Carol giggling ]

[ Mexican accent ]|Uh-huh, uh-huh.

"Si," yeah, "si, si. "

Uh-huh. Okay.

"Si," uh-huh, "si, si. "

- "Si, si. "|- [ Moaning ]

To the left... ooh,|right, right, right, right!

Oh, yes! Oh!

- "Si. "|- I love that. Oh, yes!

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