The House Page #4

---

He needs to blow off steam.

Now, remember, this is

an underground casino.

We can't park outside my house,

or everyone will know,

including the cops.

Park at Taylor's,

buy something and keep the receipt

to prove you're a customer.

Don't attract attention.

Remember, you're just

buying groceries.

You're not on your way

to an illegal casino.

Walk out to the back,

where the electrical wall

and the wooden fence

meet by the woods.

- (GROANING)

- (ALL GASPING)

(ALL SHRIEKING)

(JOE LAUGHS)

FRANK:
Ignore the sign.

It's a decoy.

SCOTT:
Got it.

FRANK:
Take the path

through the woods,

bear left at the fourth tree,

and boom, you're

right in my backyard.

Go down the basement stairs,

then knock three times

and give the password.

Andre the Giant.

- Welcome. (CHUCKLES)

- SCOTT:
Frank!

When we open this door,

don't get confused.

It's still just Frank's house.

Ta-da!

What do you guys think?

I mean, am I in the Bellagio right now,

or am I three blocks from my

house? I genuinely don't know.

This is the best day of my entire life.

- Thumbs up. Pretty good.

- (CHUCKLES)

And we can gamble here for real money?

This isn't like one of those charity

things where you think you're winning,

but then you have to give it to

cancer research or some bullshit?

You win it, you keep it.

- Okay, you know what, f*** book club!

- F*** book club!

On these notes,

let the games of chance begin!

- Yeah!

- (ALL CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES) All right, man.

Hit me right now!

Hit it!

Hit it down right there!

And I lost!

All right! Mama like!

FRANK:
Now, we don't have

five years to make the money.

We only have a month.

So, we have to

reinvest our winnings.

It's like I always say, "Back your

own horse, baby. Bet on yourself."

We gotta invite everybody,

even Garvey and f***ing Craig!

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Oh, did I win? That's fun. (CHUCKLING)

I never played before. Isn't that funny?

COMIC:
Anybody been to that Burrito

Hut over on Fox Meadow Lane?

- Yeah, it's a nightmare.

- (LAUGHING)

You can't even get a

burrito out of there.

People are getting so involved,

they had to put a spit guard up,

because people kept falling

into the vegetables.

"More corn! I want more corn!"

- (GASPS)

- (CHEERING)

KATE:
So, where are we at?

FRANK:
All right.

When all's said and done,

we are... (LAUGHS)

Down $3,500.

- BOTH:
Yeah!

- Nice!

- Wait.

- Up top!

- Down?

- Wait...

Listen, Reggie went on a streak,

that comedian was very expensive.

We're lucky that Joe lost

that $1,000 bet at the end.

If he hadn't, you know where we'd be then.

- Mmm-mmm. Where would we be?

- Really?

We'd be down $5,500. It's simple math.

Math gives him anxiety,

numbers make him nervous.

A lot of people, you

know, break out in sweats

and have heart palpitations

when they hear numbers out loud.

That's not true at all.

But, you know what, let's

not worry about that.

Let's just focus on the positives,

which is, down $3,500 is a great start.

- Ooh. Bucknell.

- Ooh. What's this?

SCOTT:
50 million dollars?

KATE:
Thousand, honey.

- (SCOTT EXHALES)

- Oh, God.

- My butt just got so tight.

- Yeah.

- Hey, what's that?

- SCOTT:
Hey.

- What?

- Nothing.

Hey.

We gotta get a bell on you.

- Sneaking up on us like that.

- (LAUGHS) Yeah.

And so that's why your mother

and I will be working late,

uh, every night,

and on weekends for all of next month.

Because you're working on

a super top secret project

that you may or may not reveal to me later.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, exactly, you get it.

No, but I don't get it.

You're just being weird.

You're acting weird,

with your shifty eyes

and your sketchy posture.

Sorry.

Doesn't feel good to be

called names, does it? Weirdo.

I thought we'd hang out a lot this summer.

Are we still going school shopping?

Yes! Absolutely, we're

gonna do all of those things.

- While you work every night until 3:00 a.m.?

- SCOTT:
You know what?

You're kind of acting

like a... (MOUTHS) B*tch.

- What did you just say?

- I didn't say it.

- I didn't vocalize it.

- Mom?

If it walks like a duck and talks

like a duck, it's probably a...

(QUIETLY) B*tch.

You just said "b*tch."

You just called me a b*tch.

Don't say that word.

- I just can't help but feel like you're lying.

- (BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, my God!

This is what I wanted to show

you guys. Pretty beautiful, right?

- Not really.

- It's Thomas Kinkade, Master of Light.

- It's mesmerizing.

- Yeah.

But it's, oh, so much more.

- Oh!

- Whoa!

Crafty hiding spot, Frank.

Each of these safes holds 100 grand.

I know, because I cut paper into

money-size stacks and I checked.

It took an incredibly long time.

Now, if we fill all five

safes, that's 500 grand.

250 for you, 250 for me.

You guys can put Alex through college,

and I can get my life back on track.

Let's fill these f***ing safes.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Wow.

Looks like we got some

heavy action tonight.

Yeah, Reggie winning was the best

thing that could have happened to us.

People actually think they

can win money at this place.

We're giving people hope.

There's at least one, two, three, four...

There's at least 800

people in here tonight.

There are max 35 people in this room.

(ALL CHEERING)

REGGIE:
You got a 19!

GARVEY:
Yeah, I'll take advice

from the guy who's down four grand.

- Is that what I'm supposed to do?

- REGGIE:
Just leave.

Please, will you leave,

so we can all win?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- We could all win if you leave.

Fellas, come on. What's the

beef? How can we squash it?

This bo-bo here keeps

hitting on the worst hands.

I play how I play. You

don't like it, you leave.

REGGIE:
And he's a thief.

Where's my leaf blower, Garvey?

I just thought maybe you'd

wanna rake a little bit more.

You know, get some physical

activity, on account of you being fat.

- Hey, hey! Okay! Time out!

- (ANGRY YELLING)

Gentlemen, time out! Time out!

You're 86'd.

GARVEY:
Come on!

- (GROANS)

- (CROWD GASPS)

Right in my armpit! It's

such a sensitive area.

- My gland.

- I'll squash the sh*t out of you!

They'll be peeling you off

the ground, you sackless b*tch.

CRAIG:
I'll bet 100 bucks on Reggie.

He's gonna kick Garvey's ass!

I will call that bet, sir.

There is fear in Reggie's eyes.

I know a p*ssy when I see one.

Only when you're looking down.

Reggie, we got this.

- Eat sh*t, Garvey.

- That's right.

Laura, you wanna keep your mouth shut?

You got a big f***ing mouth.

There's a StairMaster downstairs.

Why don't you go stand

next to it and do nothing?

You want a piece of these thighs?

You don't know what's coming.

- (YELLING)

- Everybody, shut the f*** up!

Nobody is betting on this fight.

- Thank you, Frank.

- LAURA:
What?

- Come on.

- SCOTT:
Yes.

Unless you're betting with us!

Damn skippy. Damn skippy.

That's right, I'm gonna...

(LAUGHS)

We're gonna bet on our friends fighting?

Hell, yeah! Are you

kidding? We're a casino.

Have you ever heard of Fight

Night? This is the same thing.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote