The House Page #5

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Get your juices in there.

Come on, Scott, these guys are gonna

beat the sh*t out of each other anyway.

These d*ldos are gonna bet on it.

We should be getting that

action. We're the house!

- Honey...

- Hey! Who wants a fight?

- Can't wait!

- FRANK:
Can't wait!

- Who wants fight? Say, "Hey!"

- ALL:
Hey!

- Here we go, fight!

- Here we go!

(ALL CHEERING)

And we're gonna start a race war!

ALL:
Whoa! Whoa!

Reggie, Reggie, that makes us nervous.

This is just a fight between

two men of different races,

fighting each other to

decide which race is superior.

- ALL:
Whoa!

- Nope, that sounds wrong.

Black power!

(BELL RINGS)

Welcome to Fight Night!

(CHEERING)

In the corner closest

to the fireplace,

weighing in at 220 pounds,

Reggie "The Rocket" Whaler.

(CHEERING)

And in this corner,

weighing in at 180 pounds,

give it up for Kevin

"I Didn't Know His First

Name Was Kevin" Garvey!

(CHEERING)

Now, murder each other!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GROANS)

Wow. That was fast.

Reggie is the winner!

(CROWD CHEERING)

This is bullshit. I want my money back.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Laura, why don't you shove that

chicken dinner right up your a**hole?

And then bring it to my potluck.

For the love of God, if you

bring up that potluck again...

Ladies, uh-uh! Cool your jets!

Yeah.

Save it for the ring!

(ALL CHEERING)

- (GRUNTS)

- (GROANS)

- Mmm!

- Oh!

What's my name? I'm Martha!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GROWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Yes, come on. Fight!

(YELLING)

FRANK:
(LAUGHS) Yeah!

F*** you, Craig!

I don't know why I love this so much!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Eat her f***ing face off, Martha!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

- (GROANS)

- Oh, oh!

She doored her!

(YELLS)

CROWD:
Oh!

(GROANS)

(BOTH GROAN)

REGGIE:
Oh!

Double knockout?

- Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- What does that mean?

Okay, the good news is we don't

have a prop bet to cover that,

so the house wins everything!

- (CHEERING)

- (JEERING)

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

Whoo, I'm feeling pretty good.

Yeah, me, too.

Can I talk to you in the

laundry room for a second?

(BOTH MOANING)

This is why I'm not

worried about next year.

No. Not in the least.

Is this a real microscope?

Yeah, dude. You can get high and

look at ants at the same time.

(LAUGHING)

(SCOTT AND KATE LAUGHING)

We never walk at night.

- So nice to walk.

- So beautiful.

I drive everywhere. It's

just nice to get out...

Excuse me, beep-beep.

- Beep-beep.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, ow. Hey.

- Hey.

- Ow. Hey, ow.

- Ow.

- (CHUCKLES)

- I'm gonna pee outside.

- What?

- I'm gonna take a pee outside.

- What are you doing?

I'm gonna do it.

What, are you kidding? Come on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- She's doing it.

- Yes! Yes!

- You're so good at it.

- This is the real me!

Yes.

Yes!

(LAUGHS)

"Pee Outside" Kate is back!

- You do it. You're doing it.

- This is my lawn.

- You're a woman.

- This is my lawn.

God, you got a lot of pee-pee.

- Oh, sh*t!

- What?

F***, it's my parents!

God damn it! Quick!

(GRUNTS)

- (BOTH PANTING)

- Is she still looking?

Guys, I'm feeling, like,

really nervous right now.

- You want some weed?

- Huh?

We can totally go talk to

her like regular people.

- How drunk are you?

- (SLURRING) I'm fine.

How many fingers do I have up?

Don't do that.

Who's the president?

The president?

Bah...

- Ba-Obama.

- Mmm-hmm.

The back, the back, they

never come in through the back.

We'll just sneak through there.

We'll go around the back.

- Yeah. No, we never go through the back.

- Let's do it.

- Go.

- Go.

(YELLING)

What are you doing?

Sorry. I'm so high.

The coast is clear.

(KATE AND SCOTT GIGGLING)

- (RATTLING)

- BOTH:
Oh!

- Do you hear something?

- What is it? Raccoons?

KATE:
It sounds human.

- Go.

- Okay.

(SCOTT AND KATE SIGH)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

- It's good. Rachel...

- SCOTT:
It's Rachel.

- KATE:
And Alex. Hey!

- SCOTT:
Hey!

Alex.

- Hey!

- Hey!

What's up, guys?

I got them.

Sorry. Sorry, Rachel.

- Alex sandwich.

- Alex sandwich.

ALEX:
Oh, God.

(ALL MOANING)

SCOTT:
Aw, sweetie.

You guys have fun tonight?

ALEX:
Great hug.

KATE:
Okay, this went great. We're fine.

Night-night.

I'm gonna go pee.

And I'm good.

KATE:
Oh, God.

Oh, God.

(SIGHS)

(RETCHING)

KATE:
Oh...

Good thing it's a container store.

There's containers everywhere.

Honey?

SCOTT:
Yeah. I'm just gonna

lie down. Check some emails.

Um...

F***.

(WHISTLES)

(YELLS)

Excuse me one second.

Oh...

Raina?

You're the Raina of Raina's Hair Salon?

Okay, what are you doing here?

You got the divorce papers?

Listen, I'm onto something big.

- Oh, God.

- Okay?

No, and it's not some harebrained scheme

that I cooked up with my friends.

- I'm gonna get the house back...

- Cool.

And we're not gonna need to get divorced.

It's not gonna need to even

happen. I'm gonna make it up to you.

- Are you gambling again?

- What?

- Is that what this is?

- No, no.

- You gambling again?

- No. And in fact...

- Uh-huh.

- I'm not gambling.

- Why'd you say it like that?

- What do you mean?

- No. Sorry, I'm just saying, in terms of gambling...

- Yeah.

People might be doing it, but I'm not.

- You just did it again.

- What? I'm not gambling.

- "I'm not gambling"?

- Yeah, that's right.

All right, I'm not gonna

argue with you. You look nice.

Oh, thanks.

Well, you smell good.

I mean, you look good.

- What? Okay. No, yeah.

- I mean, you're nice.

I'm not doing this.

Just because you've

showered and you look great,

it doesn't mean you've changed.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(LAUGHS)

FRANK:
You might notice that I've

made some Vegas-style upgrades.

Welcome to Club Ooze.

Because what does every casino

need, but a kick-ass pool.

You're done gambling, what

are you gonna do? Go home? No.

You're gonna come out here,

get a drink, party in the pool

and then back inside to lose more money.

How much did all of this cost?

You know that old saying,

"Spend money to make money."

Hmm.

- Now, this I'm very excited about.

- Oh, wow.

These are pure oxygen tanks.

I'm pumping it into the

house, and guess what...

It works.

Welcome to the relaxation zone.

We've got a nail salon,

we've got massages, shiatsu,

deep tissue and hand jobs.

Bob... I think we really need to start.

I'll start when everyone's here.

- Stop it.

- What?

Where is everyone, Laura?

Nowhere. Why do you

think they're somewhere?

Why are you wearing

sunglasses in town hall?

'Cause...

my future's so bright.

Well, I find it

highly disrespectful.

Would you please

remove the sunglasses?

- Fine.

- BOB:
Ugh.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

This looks way worse than it is.

What are you hiding, Laura?

What's that face?

- Oh, you wanna fight me, Bob?

- What?

Is that what this is about, Bob?

'Cause I'll tell you right now,

I'll headbutt you to next Tuesday, b*tch!

(CHUCKLING)

- Well...

- Okay.

This town hall meeting is suspended

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