The House Page #6

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until I find out what's going

on around town, all right?

(EXCITED CHEERING)

Put them hands up,

yeah, put them hands up

Amazing, amazing,

amazing, so damn amazing

To my brothers and sisters

Mom, Pops, and my daughter

Nieces and nephews, salute

all y'all to those I can't get to

To my dogs on lock down

Block hustlers from all around

This world is yours,

this world is yours

It's so amazing

Amazing

- So...

- I'm so amazing

So amazing

Love all people,

inspire growth, yeah

BOB:
I can't believe no one

showed up at the goddamn meeting.

And I was going to announce that Panera

was opening a location on Butler Ave.

Panera Bread?

Wow. Great get, Bob.

(SIGHS)

My God, you do so much for this town.

It's a 24/7 job. But I love it.

Plus, means I get to

spend more time with you.

Stop.

- What?

- Stop it.

Were you guys holding hands?

Yeah. We were holding hands,

Chandler, you know why?

- Yeah.

- 'Cause we're having an affair.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Nine and a half months,

emotional and physical.

Yep. He knows about

all my hopes and dreams.

Yeah, yeah, I plead with

her to leave her husband,

but in reality, I would be

sort of scared if she did.

That's so specific.

It just sounds like it's true.

No, there's nothing going

on with us, Chandler.

But there is something

going on in this town.

I've been noticing a lot of

crazy sh*t going on in this town.

Over at Taylor's Meat Market at night,

the parking lot is really crowded.

Maybe there's some flank steaks

- that are starting a gang over there.

- (LAUGHS)

Looks like a pork chop prostitution ring.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Now leave, so we can have sex.

- Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)

Okay, I'll get the

blinds. But make it quick.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

How are we looking tonight?

Garvey caught a heater in blackjack,

but we're killing it in roulette.

Good call hiring that Judy, by

the way, she destroys people.

- She's a bad-ass b*tch.

- Hi, Judy.

You're very smart with this stuff.

- Very shrewd.

- (KATE CHUCKLES)

- Where'd you get that?

- This?

Joe gave it to me. Some sticky-icky

hybrid. It chills me the f*** out.

You want some?

No. No, I'm good. Maybe later.

I gotta stay vigilant.

Keep my eye on the prize.

Yeah. Weed is so great, you know?

When I smoke it, I feel nothing.

It's like emotional armor, man.

Alex is gone next year, who cares?

I got weed.

- And me.

- And you, yes.

Guys, we've got a problem.

Table four, third guy from the left.

This motherf***er right

here is counting cards.

How do you know? If I'm gonna accuse

someone of cheating, I wanna be sure.

(SCOTT GASPS)

- He's cheating.

- Yeah.

- He's definitely cheating.

- That's so rude.

If people think you can

come in here and cheat,

the street is gonna think we're soft.

Yeah. Every Blackjack Barry and Roulette

Rob's gonna think it's open season.

We gotta do something to send a message.

- Yep.

- Like De Niro in Casino.

Didn't he break that

guy's hand with a hammer?

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- All right. Okay.

- Yeah.

Kazowee!

(LAUGHS)

Excuse me, can we have

a word with you, please?

Yeah, I'd love another Grey

Goose on the rocks, extra lime.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Enjoy your gambling.

- Get in here.

- All right, okay.

- Get in here!

- Watch the jacket.

- Sit down!

- Sit down!

You think you can cheat us?

You think you can steal our money?

I got lucky. I didn't know it

was illegal to catch a hot streak.

Well, your luck just ran out, man,

because me and my friends

about to f*** you up!

- FRANK:
Yeah!

- SCOTT:
Hey, pal.

You better call your momma and tell

her you're gonna be late for dinner.

Which is a shame, 'cause she's

serving your favorite, coconut shrimps!

Hey, you're gonna miss dinner, b*tch!

We had your mom's shrimp last night.

- Yeah!

- It was delicious!

What are you guys gonna do about it

anyway? You're a bunch of soccer moms.

You ever hear of Tommy

Papouli? He's my boss.

You know what? F*** this

guy. And f*** Tommy whoever.

I'd like to introduce you

to my friend, Mr. Vice.

- How does that feel?

- Yeah, I got it.

Coat's coming off, b*tch!

- SCOTT:
Coming off!

- ALL:
Oh!

You taking your jacket

back to Marshalls? (LAUGHS)

- Oh, sh*t!

- I'm gonna get me a chunk of flesh.

Yeah! Yeah, maybe we'll

cut your f***ing dick off.

- Oh, sh*t!

- (ALL CHEERING)

Oh, sh*t!

This sh*t just got real, bro!

I'm so scared. (LAUGHS)

- You're looking at a bad man.

- SCOTT:
Ooh.

- This motherf***er don't give a sh*t.

- Yep.

- This axe is burning a hole in my pocket.

- KATE:
What are we doing?

Can we just conference on what we're doing?

- We're gonna... Just you wait.

- SCOTT:
Hold on.

We need to focus up and

figure out what we're gonna do.

- Honey, are you still stoned?

- What?

Yes!

FRANK:
I am also stoned

and nothing is more clear

than the fact that we

need to murder this guy.

Just to be clear, we're pretending, though,

we're not gonna actually do that.

We have to send a message,

okay? We have to send a message.

Yeah!

You're bluffing.

(LAUGHS) You're not gonna do sh*t.

You're not gonna do jack sh*t, Paul Bunyan.

- He's a jerk!

- He's making it easy.

You know what? I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do this.

Hey, hey, hey, hold on.

- F*** off! You're not gonna do sh*t.

- No, I'm gonna use...

Tommy's gonna kick your f***ing ass.

F*** you!

- Don't wrestle with the f***ing axe!

- F*** you all!

(SCREAMS)

(FRANK AND SCOTT YELLING)

- Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

- Shut the f*** up, Frank!

- FRANK:
Put it back on! Put it back on!

- I'm trying to find it!

I'm trying to find it!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- KATE:
Shut up!

Apply pressure, man.

- Please, apply pressure.

- I'm trying!

- (SOBBING) It's so slippery!

- (SCREAMING)

It won't fit on! It won't fit back on!

Honey, please get it on.

I don't know if it's up or

down. Does anyone have any gum?

I'm just gonna put it right

there, maybe it'll grow back.

- FRANK:
Oh, God!

- Oh, my God, the blood!

Could this help?

- Put that Croc on there.

- (SHRIEKS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

So salty! I'm swallowing so much blood!

You cut off my f***ing finger!

(FRANK AND KATE SCREAMING)

What the f*** just happened?

Tell your friends, if they mess with us,

this is what... (GAGS) They're gonna get.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Nothing ever happens in this neighborhood.

- (FRANK SCREAMS)

- (ALL GASP)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

- (GROWLS)

- (ALL GASP)

(GRUNTING)

Oh.

- (GRUNTING)

- (GASPS)

- Sweetheart!

- (SCOTT YELLING)

- FRANK:
Scott?

- KATE:
Where are you going?

FRANK:
Where are you going

Don't go in there, buddy!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GRUNTS)

No, I swear to God, I'm looking,

Reggie. I'm not finding it.

In my experience, money lost in

the woods does not easily get found.

Oh, f***. Oh! (LAUGHS)

Buddy, great news.

Excuse me, sir?

- I'll call you back.

- What are you doing out here?

Um... Uh...

Jogging.

You don't appear to be jogging.

- Well, now you're jogging.

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