The House Bunny Page #2

No...

This is a sorority house at a school.

And you do look like an older...

sluttier version of the type of girl

we would want.

But, I'm sorry, you're not a student.

It was so nice talking to you.

- But I really think it's...

- So nice.

And our piano is from Tuscany.

Very high-end.

I believe that every detail

of the house...

should be a reflection

of the girls who live here.

Hi...

Do you ladies go to school here, too?

Not anymore.

We're the housemothers

of the sororities on campus.

That's so dope.

Do you live in the houses

with the girls?

Yes.

That's even dopier.

So, what do housemothers do?

We oversee the meal plans,

chaperone the social events,

make sure the girls stay out of trouble.

Oh, my gosh. That's exactly

what I used to do back at the Mansion.

Can I be one, too?

I'm sorry. This is a sorority,

not a brothel.

A brothel?

Oh, I'm not looking to make soup.

I'm looking to be like you.

I wanna be a housemother.

We have standards.

Standards that you clearly do not meet.

But it was nice to meet you.

But I just want to...

- So nice.

- So nice.

Try Zeta. Their last housemother was

hospitalized with hallucinations.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Hello?

Dean Simmons. Please, please.

We are trying so hard. I promise you.

This seems really unfair.

And I'm not gonna attack you.

I don't want you to feel attacked by

all of us, so I'm just gonna say me.

To me, this feels really unfair.

Natalie. Look,

I feel the same way you do.

But the fact remains...

you guys have not met your requirements

for three years running now.

And I'm under a lot of pressure

from other sororities...

complaining that we're bending

the rules for you.

By "other sororities",

do you happen to mean Phi lota Mu?

I really don't think

it matters who complained.

Natalie, rules are rules.

Drama queen.

Oh, I'm sorry I scared you.

Do you think you could help me

out of here, though?

What? Yeah.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry,

I think I broke your Z.

Oh. No, it's okay. It falls off, like,

every time we open the door.

Well, at least you still have T and A.

T and an A. Who are you?

My name is Shelley,

and I'm here to be your housemother.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Shelley.

But, unfortunately, he...

It's a little too late.

We're about to lose our charter,

so if we don't have a house...

we won't really be needing

a housemother.

Well, why are they gonna

take your house away?

Because we get no pledges,

and everyone kind of thinks we're losers.

That's so sad. Why does everyone

else get all the pledges?

Well, they have great parties, and...

boys actually like them.

I'm an expert at parties and boys.

I'm a Bunny.

Men write to me from prison,

sometimes in their own blood.

I mean, I assume it's theirs, who knows?

I don't.

I'm sorry, I'm nervous right now...

because I really wanna help you guys,

because I know I can do it.

Wow, a Bunny?

Like a centerfold?

Oh, bless your heart, no.

Just a couple of small pictorials...

"Girls of the Midwest," "Girls with GEDs",

"Girls of Charlie Sheen".

But now I'm a homeless person.

God, I'm so sorry.

Good luck.

Wait, but I can really help you guys.

So if we don't get pledges,

we lose our charter?

- We need 30.

- Thirty pledges? There's seven of us, dude.

Technically, 71l2 now.

Hey!

Oh, nothing a little fertilizer

can't help.

Not you, Tanya.

I was talking about Harmony.

Actually, 73l4 as of Tuesday

last week.

Guys, we're never gonna get

that many pledges.

This is just their way

of shutting us down.

This is awful.

Hey, Joanne, just FYI...

you've got refrigerator magnets

stuck to your brace again.

Actually, we need that.

That's our grocery list.

I knew that. I knew that.

- No, you didn't.

- Did so.

- Why do we need knee-highs?

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

There's boys on our lawn.

Are they lost?

Nice.

The Leaning Panther. I like that.

Yoga's hot.

So, are you a Zeta?

Oh, I wish.

Yeah, I do, too, because Zeta would be

my new favorite hizzety-hang.

Well, she is not a Zeta...

because she's our new

hizzety-housemother.

She'll be hizzy-tizzies...

She'll be here all the time.

You're hiring me?

Oh, give me some of that.

Oh, God bless her.

- Why are they acting like that?

- Yes.

Oh, that's boys just being boys.

Thank goodness.

Oh, my gosh! I am just so happy

that you guys want me here.

You are not gonna be sorry.

So this is how we're gonna get pledges?

Hiring an archaically superficial

reflection of the male fantasy?

Well, guys like her.

And since guys don't like us,

I figured she could help.

So, in order to be in a sisterhood,

now we have to be popular?

No, no. In order to keep our house,

though, we do have to be popular. Yes.

So, I figured Shelley here could

teach us how.

Okay, look, don't get me wrong.

I love guys.

But I lived in a house

filled with girls for nine years,

and I know that there's nothing better

than just being with your sisters...

sharing, talking all night,

painting each other's bodies...

baking penis cookies,

playing with monkeys...

- Where'd you live?

- The Playboy Mansion.

No, that doesn't make her a hooker. Sorry.

She's shy. She's just...

She's so shy. That's Lilly,

also, by the way.

Lilly.

And this here is Harmony.

Harmony.

And Carrie Mae.

Carrie Mae.

And then Joanne, over there.

Joanne.

Wow, you hired the Exorcist.

That's great.

What is that?

Is that like a Yoda thing, or what?

It's fun, but, what...

h, no, no. It's just this thing I do

to remember people's names.

Natalie.

So, thank you guys so much

for letting me be your housemother.

No, it's no problem.

Because you just...

This is just gonna be great.

But I have to go take a shower...

because I haven't had one since I slept

in my car and spent the night in jail.

Sweet.

- Hi, girls.

- Oh, my God!

Shelley! Hi. Where's your robe?

Oh, I just like to air dry.

Oh, she just likes to air dry.

My God, you're so vapid.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

You're like the hundredth person

who's told me that.

Shell? Just a quick little side note...

I don't think that some

of the girls in this house...

have even seen their own bodies naked...

so they probably don't really want

to see your perfectly engineered b*obs.

Well, I'm just walking around

in the body God and Dr. Borkman gave me.

Hey, Shelley, why don't you throw

some clothes on?

We've got a lot of work to do.

This year, we are gonna get

lots and lots of pledges.

Okay.

Oh, we also need to raise money

for our philanthropy.

What's a phila-canopee?

Oh, no. It's a philanthropy.

It's like a charity.

Oh, I love charity.

Ne time, at the Mansion...

I even let Bob Saget grind on me

during a slow dance.

And here's a list of ideas

I came up with for fundraisers...

that might make us

a little more popular.

So, please take a read.

"Start a beekeeping club".

We could have the masks, even.

"Paleolithic bake sale".

Hi! Dinosaurs!

Like, everyone saw Jurassic Park.

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