The Hudsucker Proxy Page #7

anymore. You can drink like this.

I call it the Buzzsucker.

You get it, buddy?

People are dying for this

and we won't have to charge...

Wait a minute.

This...

...is worthless.

But, buddy...

It's the most idiotic thing

I've ever seen.

Nobody wants

a harebrained product like this.

You see, Buzz, it lacks the

creative spark, the unalloyed genius,

that made something like, say,

the [burps] Hula Hoop such a success.

What do you mean, taking up my time?

I've got a company to run.

[Laughs] But, buddy...

I can't have every deadbeat

on the Hudsucker payroll pestering me.

- I'm sorry, buddy.

- An example must be made.

What do you mean, buddy?

You're fired.

Is that plain enough for you, buster?

[Shrieks]

- Oh, buddy.

- And don't call me buddy.

Please, sir, this job,

running the elevator, it's all I've got.

It's OK if you don't like the

Buzzsucker, just let me keep my job.

- I'm praying to you.

- Get out of my office.

Get up. Up!

We don't crawl here

at Hudsucker Industries.

[Wails] I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry.

[Mussburger] Thank you, Aloysius.

[Mussburger] This is useful.

[Clattering]

Sorry I'm late, Sid. That back nine

at Riverdale is really murder.

[Mussburger] It's a tough course.

A real lollapalooza.

[Mussburger] Sit down, son.

I thought the boardroom would be

a swell place to chat, undisturbed.

It seems we've got some

security problems here at the Hud.

- You don't say.

- Ordinarily, I wouldn't bother with it.

But this is embarrassing.

It concerns you directly.

- How's that, Sid?

- It's not serious in itself.

Some elevator boy

that you fired came to me,

claiming that you'd stolen

the idea for the dingus.

You'd stolen it from him.

Well, he... I...

- Maybe I was a little rough, but...

- Forget it.

You don't have to explain.

He's a little person, he's nothing.

Fire whoever you want.

No. No, the problem is

who you hire.

That dame. A spy, as it turns out.

Must have gotten

to that elevator schnook.

And her paper is going to town.

Sure, sure, we tried to kill the story,

but The Argus won't play ball.

And the problem the Board will have

is you hired this woman,

you kept her on

while she was making a chump out of you.

Serious error ofjudgment.

Business is war, kid.

You take no prisoners

and you get no second chances.

So when the Board meets

after New Year's,

your position...

It looks like you're finished.

Washed up.

Oh.

The fourteenth hole at Riverdale.

Some use a mashie, some use a niblicker.

Niblicker.

Get more loft, more backspin.

That dame.

She got your throat pretty well slit.

When you're dead, you stay dead.

If you don't believe me,

ask Waring Hudsucker.

Tough luck, kid.

You had a short climb up

but it's a long way down.

"Stole the hoop idea..."

You can't print that.

We are printing it.

She hits the streets tonight.

And she's dynamite.

It's the bunk. Norville showed me

his design the day I met him.

Buzz couldn't have invented it.

He's an imbecile.

You're a broken record.

He did design it. Some kind of prodigy.

- Says who?

- We all have sources.

Smith's source is on the Hud Board.

Very senior and hush-hush.

I bet his initials are

Sidney J Mussburger.

You lost it. You're going soft.

Soft on the dummy from Dubuque.

- Muncie.

- Whatever.

The story's hot

and you're no longer on top of it.

It's the scoop of the century. The other

papers won't have it till tomorrow.

They'll be choking on our dust.

You're fools, both of you.

You're being used, don't you see?

Take a break. You worked hard

on this story. You broke it.

It's passed you by

and Smith is taking up the slack.

You want slack?

I'll give you slack.

You're not putting me

out to pasture. I quit.

- Oonsider this my resignation.

- [Thud]

Effective immediately.

Soft.

[Dr Bromfenbrenner] So, tell me, why do

you feel this woman betrayed you?

What's the difference?

[German accent]

The whole world is against you?

- I don't know.

- And the elevator boy, Buzz.

He too works against you?

[Norville] Well, yeah.

Olassic. The patient displayed

listlessness, apathy, indifference

and was blue and mopey.

When asked what

four Rorschach stains represented,

patient replied "Nothing much",

"I don't know", "Just a blotch"

and "Sure beats me".

Patient shows no ambition,

no get-up-and-go, no vim.

He is riding the grand loopen-ze-loop

that goes from

the height of delusional gaiety

to the trough of despair.

He's now near, but not yet at,

his lowest point.

When he reaches bottom he may erupt

and pose a danger to himself and others.

Diagnosis, Dr Bromfenbrenner?

Patient is manic-depressive, paranoid

type B, with acute schizoid tendencies.

So, patient is...

[Dr Bromfenbrenner] Precisely. Nuts.

- Prescription?

- Three things.

Oommitment,

electro-convulsive therapy,

maintenance in eine secure facilities.

[Applause]

[Slow jazz music]

[Man] Yeah, he's a tall guy. Real mess.

You better get down here.

Says he's a friend of yours.

No, he didn't say,

but, man, is he from Squaresville.

[Norville] M-A-R...

I want a martini. It's New Year's Eve,

I deserve a martini.

It's like I said, you can't...

I thought you served misfits here.

That's a roger,

but we don't sell alcohol.

What kind of bar is it?

Oan't get a martini.

It's a juice and coffee bar, man,

like I've been telling you.

Right. So, I want

a martini.

I've had a martini in every bar

on the way down here.

Martinis are for squares, man.

What did you call me?

You beatnik son of a...

Norville.

What? Oh, look who's here.

Amy Archer. Prizeitzer Pul winner.

Looking for a nitwit to buy you lunch?

- Norville...

- Bar fella.

- I'm sorry.

- I'd like a martini.

I tried to tell you so many times.

It's hard to admit

when you've been wrong.

If you could just find it in your heart

to give me another chance.

Ha!

You take no prisoners,

you get no second chances.

Please, Norville,

give me one more chance.

And yourself, too. We both deserve one.

Just give us a second chance,

and together we can fight this thing.

I know this story was a lie

and we can prove it.

Release a statement.

I can help you write it.

What's the difference?

I'm all washed up.

Extinct. Homo sapiens sapicus.

Well, thatjust about does it.

I've seen Norville Barnes,

the young man in a big hurry,

and I've seen Norville Barnes,

the self-important heel.

But I've never seen

Norville Barnes, the quitter.

And I don't like it.

"Fight on."

"Fight on, dear old Muncie."

"Fight on, hoist the gold and blue."

"You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'

once the Munce is done with you."

"Go, Eagles."

You can't surrender, Norville.

Remember.

# Fight onl Fight onl

Dear old Muncie

# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue

# You'll be tattered, torn and...

You lied to me.

How could you lie to me?

You. A Muncie girl.

But, Norville, I...

When you're dead, you stay dead.

Just ask Waring Hudsucker.

Oh, Norville.

[Sobs]

Extra, extra.

New Year's Eve edition.

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