The Iceman Cometh Page #7

Aw, go on,

you'll never die.

You'll have to hire someone

to croak you with an axe.

Hey, you dumb hooker,

cut the loud talk.

This ain't a cathouse.

Ohh!

(Maggie)

Hey, Cora, how you doin'?

(Pearl) Hey, Chuck,

what's happening?

(women giggling)

If I'd known this dump

was a hooker hangout,

I'd never come in.

You seem down

on the ladies.

I hate every b*tch

that ever lived.

Well, you can understand

how I feel, can't you?

When it was gettin'

mixed up with a tart

that made me have

that fight with mother.

Well, what the hell

does it matter to you?

You're in the grandstand,

you're through with life.

I'm glad

you remember that.

Who's the guy with Larry?

A tightwad,

the hell with him.

Say, Cora,

wise me up.

Which end of the cow

is the horns on?

Aw, don't bring that up.

Me and this overgrown tramp's

been scrappin' about the farm.

He says Jersey's the best place,

and I said Long Island

on account it will be

near Coney.

And then I tells him,

"How do I know you're off

of periodicals for life?"

And I tells her

"I'm off the stuff for life."

Then she beefs

we won't be married a month

before I'll throw it

in her face she was a tart.

"Jees, baby,"

I tells her, "Why should I?

"What the hell you think

I think I'm marryin', a virgin?

"Why should I kick

"as long as you lay off it

and don't do no cheatin'

with the iceman or nobody?"

It's on the level, baby.

Eh?

Aw, you big tramp.

Can you tie it?

I'll buy a drink,

I'll do anything.

No, this round's on me!

I run into luck.

That's why I dragged

Chuck outta bed to celebrate.

It was a sailor,

I rolled him.

Listen,

it was a scream.

My dogs was givin' out

when I seen this guy

holdin' up a lamp post,

so I hurry to get him

before a cop did.

I says,

"Hello, handsome,

wanna have a good time?"

Jees, he was paralyzed!

One of them polite jags.

He tries to bow to me,

imagine,

and I had to prop him up

or he'd fell on his nose.

"Lady," he says,

"can you kindly tell me

the nearest way

to the Museum

of Natural History?"

(laughing)

Can you imagine?

It's 2:
00 A.M.!

As if I'd know where

the dump was anyway.

But I says,

"Sure thing, honey boy,".

"I'll be only too glad."

So I steered him into a

side street where it was dark,

and propped him against a wall

and I give him a frisk.

And what do you

think he done?

I mean, Jees,

I ain't lyin',

he begins to laugh,

the big sap!

(laughing)

"Quit ticklin' me," he says,

while I was friskin' him

for his roll!

I near died!

Then I turned him 'round and

give him a shove to start him.

"Just keep goin',"

I told him.

"It's a big white building

on your right,

you can't miss it."

Ohh!

He must be swimmin' in

the North River yet.

Ain't Uncle Sam the sap

to trust guys like that

with dough?

Well, I picked 12 bucks

off of him.

So come on, Rocky,

set 'em up.

Oh, say, Chuck's kiddin'

about the iceman a minute ago

reminds me,

where the hell's Hickey?

That's what

we're all wonderin'.

Well, he oughta be here!

Me and Chuck seen him.

You've seen Hickey?

Yeah.

Hey, boss!

Boss, boss,

come to.

Cora's seen Hickey.

Where'd you see him,

Cora?

Right on the next corner,

he was standin' there.

We said,

"Welcome to our city!

"The gang's expectin' ya

with their tongues hangin' out

a yard long."

And I kidded him,

"How's the iceman, Hickey?

How's he doin'

at your house?"

And he laughs

and says, "Fine."

And then he says,

"Tell the gang

I'll be along in a minute.

"I'm just finishin'

figurin' out the best way

to save 'em

and bring 'em peace."

Bejees, he's thought up

a new gag!

(chuckles)

It's a wonder he didn't borrow

a Salvation Army uniform

and show up in that!

Go out and get him,

Rocky.

Tell him we're waitin'

to be saved!

Yeah, Harry,

he was only kiddin'

but he was funny, too,

somehow;

he was different

or somethin'.

Sure, he was sober, baby,

that's what made him different.

Sure!

Gee, ain't I dumb?

Dumbest broad

I ever seen.

Hmm.

Sober?

That's funny.

He's always lapped up

a good starter on his way here.

Well, bejees,

he won't be sober long!

He'll be good and ripe

for my birthday party

tonight at 12:
00.

Listen, he's fixed

some new gag to pull on us.

We'll pretend to

let him kid us, see?

And we'll kid

the pants off him!

(all laughing)

(Rocky)

Here's the old son of a b*tch!

(cheering and hollering)

Hello, gang!

Oh dear old pals

We're jolly old pals

In all kinds

of weather

We always stick together

Like we're always game

Whenever the same soul

Give me

for friendship

My jolly old pals

And another

little drink

Won't do us any harm

(cheers, applause.

Do your duty,

Brother Rocky,

bring on the rat poison!

How goes it,

Governor?

Bejees, Hickey, you old bastard,

it's good to see you!

Hello, Mac.

Welcome, "boyo!"

Willie!

Hey, Hickey!

How you've got...

(laughter)

Hello, Joe.

All right, Hickey,

how you doin'?

Hello, Hickey,

old timer.

Oh, Captain Lewis!

General Wetjoen!

(playful babbling)

I said!

Hello, Hugo!

How goes it?

Wow, wow!

Too much wine underneath

the willow trees, eh?

Hello, Jimmy.

It's grand to see ya.

How's the old scout?

You look great.

Sit down, Hickey,

sit down.

Well, I, I...

Jimmy!

(laughing)

Bejees, it seems natural

to see your

ugly, grinning map.

This dumb broad

was tryin' to tell us

you'd changed,

but you ain't

a damned bit!

Tell us about yourself.

Bejees, Hickey,

you look like

a million dollars!

Here's your key, Hickey,

same old room.

Oh, thanks, Rocky.

I'll be goin' up

in a little while

and grab a snooze.

I haven't been able

to sleep lately,

I'm tired as hell.

A couple of hours

of good kip will fix me.

First time I ever heard

you worry about sleep.

Bejees, you never

would go to bed.

Get a couple of slugs

under your belt,

you'll forget sleeping.

Here's mud in your eye,

Hickey.

(everybody toasting)

Drink hearty,

boys and girls.

Bejees,

is that a new stunt?

Drinking your chaser first?

No, I forgot

to tell Rocky.

You'll have to excuse me,

boys and girls,

but I'm off the stuff,

for keeps.

(gasping, repressed laughter)

(Harry)

What the hell?

Sure, sure!

Joined the Salvation Army,

ain't you?

Been elected President

of the W.C.T.U.?

Take the bottle away

from him, Rocky.

We don't want

to tempt him into sin.

Eh, I know it's hard

to believe, but, uh,

Cora was right, Harry,

I have changed.

I mean

about the booze,

I don't need it anymore.

Bejees, Cora says

you was comin' here to save us.

Well, go on, get

this joke off your chest.

Start the service!

Sing a Goddamned hymn

if you like.

We'll all join

in the chorus.

"No drunkard can enter

this beautiful home."

You don't think

I'd come around here

peddlin' any brand

of temperance bunk, do you?

Just 'cause I quit the stuff

don't mean

I'm going Prohibition.

I'm not that ungrateful,

it's given me

too many good times.

So if anybody

wants to get drunk,

if that's the only way

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