The Inbetweeners Page #2

take your mind off her.

Plus, it's the perfect time to go.

Yeah, they say the summer is

the perfect time for a summer holiday.

Come on, Si, what do you say?

The lads on tour!

- And you.

- Yes, and me! One of the lads.

Yeah, f*** it, go on, then.

Maybe it will help.

Course it will!

And, I promise you, Si,

we'll go somewhere

so full of fit birds,

it'll be like shooting

clunge in a barrel.

What a lovely image

So, that was it.

We were no longer schoolboys.

And to prove our independence,

we were off on the holiday of a lifetime

without our parents...

after we'd made them pay for it.

I know this is the first time you've ever

been away from me, but don't go crazy.

When have I ever gone crazy?!

That time you drank all that shandy

at Debra's wedding. You went pretty wild!

- I was seven years old!

- He was running round, his pants down,

shouting, "I've got a white slug!"

- Mum!

- Oh, hello, Kevin!

Looks like just Jay

we're waiting for, then.

Yes, it does "look like" that,

doesn't it? God! Sorry about her.

Are you all right, Neil?

Your face is a bit weird.

Fine! Just popped a bit of my sister's

fake tan on, get it started, you know.

Just on your face?

Well... It's on my hands now too.

All right? Who's this, then, the vicar?

Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father.

Nice to meet you.

Where's Neil been hiding you, then?

The church?

- Looks like a bloody vicar, don't he?

- No, no, I'm not a vicar.

No, I know that. But you look like

a vicar and you talk like a vicar.

A bloody gay vicar, or something!

Well, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

No, I'm saying you look gay.

But you can't be, can you? Cos old

soppy bollocks here come out your pipe.

Right, I see.

Well, gotta get going.

Don't want you to miss that flight.

Bye-bye, Pookie Petal. Love you, mwah!

Oh, and Jay? If you're gonna spend

your grandad's money chasing skirt,

two things. One, make sure she's not

a hound like the last one.

And two, try to be a man when she dumps

you for someone with a bigger cock...

...which is everyone!

Dad!

Dads are like arseholes.

Everyone's got one, yes,

but also, they're arseholes. Which is why

they make excellent cab drivers.

Takes me back, all this -

cheap flights at ungodly hours.

Where is it you're headed to again?

Simon never tells me anything.

- Malia, Mr Cooper, in Greece.

- Can't say I've heard of it.

Of course you haven't,

it's a cool place to go.

And it's got a Subway's.

Oh, right. In my day,

it was all about Spain.

Me and my mates went to Magaluf

this one time.

Shagaluf, we called it!

Should've called it Shagalot. And hard.

Anything that moved.

We had a system.

Always left a hat on the bedroom door

when one of us got lucky.

Was usually me.

Oh, Dad, please shut up!

I don't know what it is,

but you'll find girls just seem to

let themselves go a bit more abroad.

It's like as soon as they smell

the sun cream, they get wet.

- Your mother's the same, even now.

- Oh, God, just drop us here!

I was learning a lot

about holidays.

And not just what they did

to Mrs Cooper's front bottom.

I was also learning

that on a lads' holiday,

it's compulsory to wear

"hilarious" matching T-shirts.

Here y'are.

Nice!

Right, you owe me 12 quid each.

Except for you, Will, you owe me 20.

Right, so I've got to pay more money

for a T-shirt I didn't ask for

and I'm not going to wear, cos it carries

a nickname I didn't know I had?

- Yes.

- Great

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

# Got my peeps standing with me

at the bar doing shots

# Cos now we're so f***ing plastered

we don't know when to stop

# I got my peeps standing with me

and I'm having a blast

# I'm feeling so f***ing good right now

I want it to last

# I'm at the bar and I see this chick

checking me out

# From afar, yes, she wants my dick

There ain't a doubt

# Now I'm in a lift, getting lips

How dumb is this girl?

# But do I care? Do I f***!

I'm on a roll! Yo! #

Malia flight?

Yep.

Delay, seven hours.

And please remove those T-shirts,

or we won't allow you to board the plane.

Despite Neil offering... twice,

they didn't let him drive the plane.

Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday,

and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful isle

of Crete, birthplace of Zeus,

were as insightful as ever.

- I'm hot.

- It is well hot.

- Might be too hot.

- Might be.

Oh!

Carli! Carli!

Carls!

Oh.

Sorry.

Oi, Jay, Jay...

Tidy minge, ten o'clock.

Jay? Jay!

Didn't you see them girls?

Why don't you chirps 'em?

- I can't handle that many at once, Neil.

- Really? What about that netball team?

Yeah, that was all right,

cos that was a luxury caravan.

But this coach is way too small

for my moves.

Ah, course.

Right, so, the plan is

get to the apartment, unpack,

get some sleep,

then head out fresh tomorrow.

First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Have you come on a lads' holiday

by mistake?!

We haven't come

halfway round the world...

to look at some boring f***ing

Greek ruins.

Yeah, you can see that sh*t

anywhere.

We go there, drop the bags off,

then go straight out and get spasticated.

Simples.

But I've not slept for 37 hours.

Shut up and try and get

some sleep on here, then.

Fine, good idea.

# We love you Burnley, we do

# We love you Burnley, we do

# We love you Burnley, we do

Oh, Burnley, we love you!

- # Oh, Burn-a-ley

- # Oh, Burn-a-ley

- # Is wonderful

- # Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful... #

# Can you hear the Preston sing?

I can't hear a f***ing thing... #

When people ask me if I like

football, I say yes. I do like football.

But not Burnley.

Burnley can f*** off.

# Come on, Burnley!

# Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! #

It was a tense moment.

Someone was obviously staying here.

Right, then, McKenzie party.

This is you.

Good one, fellas! Don't worry,

it'll look nice when it's finished.

- # Oh, Burn-a-ley!

- # Oh, Burn-a-ley!

# Is wonderful... #

This don't look like the pictures.

I still don't know

how the dog died.

I can only presume it threw itself

in the well, rather than stay here.

You Willy?

Yes.

Your key. You have fun.

But not too much fun.

You sh*t on floor - 50 euro fine.

Each time!

All right, lads!

- Are you stopping here?

- Yes. We are.

Bad luck. I've just come back

from Afghanistan,

and conditions there

are better than this shithole.

I can't wait to get back to lying

in a dusty trench,

being shot at by some raghead.

Are you married?

- No.

- Don't get married.

The wife booked this, but somehow,

it's my f***ing fault.

Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy.

I'll see youse later.

Hey!

You owe me 50 euros!

As we entered our new home,

wondering...

if our human rights

had been breached,

I couldn't help thinking

a sh*t on the floor...

might have

cheered the place up a bit.

- Shotgun this room!

- Shotgun the sofa bed!

Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!

Not really my problem.

What's that? Is that the bath?

Course it's not the bath,

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