The Inbetweeners Page #3

you f***ing idiot. There's the bath!

That's the... kids' toilet.

- Is it?

- Yes!

Why's it got a plughole and a tap, then?

Cos it's for checking your kid's sh*t

before you flush it.

- Urgh, that's grim!

- Yeah, I know.

That's the Continentals, innit?

They're dirty.

See? That looks nice!

I'm not sleeping in a f***ing bathtub

for two weeks, Simon!

We'll have to share the sofa bed.

Ooh, 'ello!

Right, well, while you two decide

who gets first go on each other's c*cks,

I'm getting ready and getting out there.

The gash isn't gonna f*** itself,

you know.

Charming

Finally, smelling like an

industrial accident at the Lynx factory,

and looking like the world's

shittest boy band, we hit the town.

- Ooh, heads down, boys.

- Sh*t.

What? Why? We haven't done anything!

- Foreign police, innit?

- So?

Don't you even know about foreign police?

What, short-sleeved uniforms?

Chunkier truncheons?

- Oh, f***ing hell!

- Mate, they're all corrupt.

Basically, if you misbehave

and don't have the money to bribe 'em,

they take you up

to these shepherds' huts in the hills,

beat you up and bum ya.

And if they don't kill ya,

you kill yourself,

cos of the shame of getting a boner

whilst you was being bummed.

Right, couple of things. Firstly,

the hills here are full of timeshares,

not deserted shepherds' huts.

Secondly, Crete's in the EU,

so I think the standard of policing

probably goes beyond bumming

and forced suicide.

Believe what you want. I'm keeping

a bribe up my arse just in case.

You're gonna spend the whole holiday with

It's been up there since

the seatbelt signs went off, mate.

All right, lads! Holiday, is it? I'm out

here on my own, having a mental time!

Can I have a beer?

- Oh, here you go, mate.

- No, you can't!

All right, which is it?

You say yes, he says bloody no.

He's not your boss, is he? Eh?

Well, it's been great talking to you,

but we've really got to get a move on.

Can I come round yours for a shower?

Um, no.

No? Cool beans. See you later, lads!

Richard, yeah? Richard!

Well, Richard was clearly mental.

But as we were about to discover,

so was everything else here.

# This place about to blow

# Blow

# This place about to blow

# Blow

# This place about to blow

# This place about to blow... #

While Simon was seeing

Carli everywhere,

- Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

- She'd get it.

Most definitely!

Oh, and that one. She'd get it!

- And that one! And that one.

- And that one. She'd get it.

Right in the bumholey.

I can't believe I've already got a bird.

Gutted.

So f***ing what?! All birds know -

what goes on tour stays on tour.

No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.

I think I love her.

And I never loved anything before

apart from a car or a sandwich.

All right, lads!

Are you up for a good time?

Yeah, we're always up for a good time.

We're the Pussay Patrol.

All right. Well, if you really are

the Pussay Patrol...

- Which we are.

- You're obviously going to Marco's.

It's the most

buzzing bar out here.

Always packed

with a chilled-out, sexy vibe.

- Know what I mean?

- I don't really know what you mean.

When you say "sexy vibe",

do you mean girls?

Course! Loads of girls.

I'll sort you out half-price drinks

and a free fishbowl.

Cool, cool, cool.

So, will you be in there,

with your sexiness,

making the vibe all... sexy?

Being all sexy, and that, sexy?

Say "sexy" more.

Well, I will be if you're gonna be there,

you saucy bugger!

Come on, then!

Here you go, these four. I'll see you

in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke.

Large one?

Saucy! See you later.

F***ing hell, you're well in there, mate!

Yep! He shoots, he scores.

Right up the vag.

Oh, my God, if she's outside,

imagine the birds inside!

Ah. Interesting.

Well, it must get going a bit later.

She did say it was amazing.

And why would she lie?!

All right, mate. Four pints, four

Jgermeisters and a fishbowl, please.

Hello.

- When it good here?

- Sorry?

Er, when here party good?

In normally about an hour or two.

Oh. Well, as we've paid,

maybe we should hang on, then?

But this year... never.

- Thanking you, very much.

- OK, let's go.

F*** off! My bird'll be down in a minute.

Do you mean the woman who's clearly

on commission to trick people

into this empty bar?

No, I mean the little hottie outside

that I was flirting with.

I'll take that as a yes, then.

I'm going nowhere

till she's sucked me off!

- So you're going nowhere.

- Jay, we're on holiday!

I'm meant to be out there, trying to

hit on girls I think are beneath me

but who, for their part, won't give me

the time of day! So, let's go!

Ooh! Hello, hello! It's those little

lovelies from the coach!

- That one's not so little.

- I think they're looking at us.

And not in a weird, terrified,

"leave us alone" way. Amazing!

Jay, you're drunkest.

Go over and talk to them.

Nah. Not me, mate. None of them

are as fit as my one outside.

Why go for hamburgers

when you've got steak at home?

If, like you, you have neither anywhere.

It's up to you, then, Si.

Oh, sh*t, really?

I don't know if I'm over Carli.

- Ow! F***! Can you stop that?!

- Yes, I can.

When you stop being

such a p*ssy about your ex.

It's time to get back

on the horse now, Si.

And those little ponies need feeding.

Feed the pony.

Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us,

but we've all got to go over together.

- Great.

- You f***ing sad cases.

You don't just walk up

to a girl in a club...

and introduce yourself!

That's creepy.

Clubs have different rules,

you dick.

Look, you dance over near them, make

the eyes, then get 'em to dance with you.

Really?!

- Annoyingly, that does sound right.

- Thank you!

And then, after a bit,

you stand up behind them,

pretend to slap 'em

and f*** 'em up the arse.

- That might be a bit much.

- Yeah, I dunno...

- Oh, f***ing hell, I'll do it.

- - What about Nicole?

It's only dancing,

she likes my dancing.

Stick with me,

you'll be fine.

Right, then, Si.

Looks like the holiday starts here.

We No Speak Americano)

Am I doing it right? Am I in time?

Maybe a bit out, but not so you'd notice.

Copy Neil.

Sorry. Do you mind

if we come and talk to you?

Cos you look nice, and, frankly, this is

just humiliating for everyone involved.

Um...

Sit down, Specs.

Hello. I'm Lucy.

Hi, I'm Diamond... Simon!

I'm Simon.

I'd better not get stuck

with the fat one.

So, when Alison

initially suggested Malia,

we all thought,

yeah, why not?

It'll be ironic.

Then we had a reality check

and we thought, do we honestly wanna

spend 2 weeks somewhere being ironic,

and obviously the answer was no,

so then we looked at other places,

but we realised, actually,

we just wanna have a laugh

and go clubbing and get drunk...

and be silly, and that this might

genuinely be a good place to come,

so f*** it, here we are.

Just so you know, I've met a really

fit bird, and she'll be along any minute.

OK. She won't mind you talking to me,

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