The Inbetweeners 2 Page #7

He's a paedophile.

Seriously, I'm trying to help you.

All right. Nudgies.

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Nudgies was fast becoming

no-one's favourite game.

Meanwhile, Nell was teaching animals

only slightly cleverer than him

that there's more to life than fish.

OK, guys, now you get some very special

one-on-one time with your dolphins.

If you'd like to take your positions...

Hello, gorgeous.

Come here.

Good boy!

This is amazing.

Look, apparently I'm not

allowed to train you,

because it turns out this

lot are well racist.

But there's one thing I can give you

that they can't.

On land, we call that a burger.

McDonald's probably do the best one,

followed by Burger King.

You like it, do you?

Come on, that's gotta be worth a kiss.

Lovely!

They say dolphins are clever,

but what they don't tell you is,

they're also greedy little bastards.

Meanwhile Jay and Simon

were sticking to their terrible plan.

This might not be the quickest way

to search the park.

It'll be fine. It's a matter of time

before we find her. Chill.

Jay?

- Is that him?

- Yeah, Dad, that's him.

All right.

Hey, mate, what are you doing

with those kids?

No, wait. My friend was joking.

- You're disgusting.

- I don't love kids.

Please. I hate kids!

They're not... sexy!

Please... agh! Jay?

Meanwhile, I was trying to impress

a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.

My God! This is the one. Rapids Racer.

It's amazing.

You race other people down rapids.

Cool. How about me versus beaky, then?

Loser has to do a naked

streak round the park.

Yeah, that's hilarious!

Will, you're up for it, aren't you'?

I would be, but I'm...

- Boring?

- No, Ben.

- Scared? Ashamed of your tiny penis?

- No, Ben.

Actually I get nosebleeds.

- What?

- I think he said he gets nosebleeds.

Come on, let's race.

Will.

- What happened to you?

- I was waterboarded on the Lazy River

because Jay told some parents

I was a paedophile.

- Pretty good. Where's Jay now?

- He's gone to find Jane.

- Jane?

- That's why he's in Australia.

She works here

and he's desperate to get her back.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone,

but... after that, f*** him.

Will, come on.

What about your nosebleeds?

Did you want something?

Yeah, I'm looking for someone

that works here, a girl called Jane.

Ok, we've had a few Janes.

What does she look like?

She's got, like, red hair, quite big.

Well, no, beautiful, really,

like really, really beautiful.

Yes, I know Jane.

Yeah, she's a stunner all right?

So whereabouts is she working today?

She left about a month ago, mate. She got

a dream job, with horses or something.

- Did she say where?

- No, sorry. Outback somewhere?

That's all right. Guess I'll head

to the outback and go find her.

To the outback?

Yeah, you'll find her no problems.

- Will I? Jahmazing.

- Are you some kind of moron?

Of course you f***ing won't.

The outback's enormous.

Nah, you'll never find her.

- Is your lip all right?

- Yeah.

If she gets in touch,

want me to say you're looking for her?

No, it's cool. I'm not even bothered.

I've got some stuff to sort out in...

Vietnam,

like CIA sh*t.

Basically, I'm getting my own private

train with a machine gun on front.

I'm gonna drive across the

country, standing up,

firing out the machine gun

as it goes along, so...

Now it's time for some chicken.

Ssh! Don't tell anyone.

All right, but this is the last one.

It's the bollocks. Meatball sandwich.

Wake up.

Come on!

We'll never know for certain

exactly what killed the dolphin,

but we do know that Neil did it.

There was tension in the air

as we waited to race.

And tension in the queue as Neil

barged past with his irritable bowels.

Out the way.

- Get in line, mate.

- No, I've got mates.

- I'm going up there.

- All right?

- How were the dolphins?

- The dolphins are fine, totally fine.

- Why wouldn't they be?

- Only asking.

I don't wanna talk about

the f***ing dolphins!

My God!

Soz. That's my irritating bowels.

- Next two up.

- Right, good luck, boys.

See you at the bottom.

And don't forget, loser streaks.

Seriously, I would have thought

it'd have been gone by now.

- It's a new one.

- Jesus, Neil.

- I can't stop 'em.

- OK, next two.

- Will, I've got an issue.

- Ready to lose?

- I'm not, but you are.

- Will.

- I'm not gonna lose.

- What's that, mate? No, I'm gonna win.

- Will.

- I can't lose.

- We'll see about that.

- Will.

- I don't lose.

- You wish, jellyfish.

- What?

- Will.

Will, I need help. That last one,

I think maybe I followed through.

Go.

Look, it's my bowels, they're disabled!

No.

Will!

Wi", poo! Poo!

I'm sorry! It just slipped out!

Poo!

No!

My God! No, no, no, no, no!

God! No!

No!

Go faster, go f***ing faster!

Out of the water! Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Yeah! You won! Yeah!

No!

My God!

Adagio in G Minor

Please.

My God!

It wasn't funny, Simon. I was arrested.

Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet

security team can strictly arrest you.

- Children were crying.

- I don't think that was you.

I think that was to do

with that dolphin that died.

- Neil, you were swimming with them.

- I didn't swim with any dolphins.

If you keep telling lies about me,

I'll bring up your mum's hairy face again.

Calm down.

All you all right, Jay?

- Everything's ruined.

- What's up? Your tight foreskin thing?

I've f***ed it up again.

- Lay off it for a week. It'll get better.

- She's gone, forever.

- Who?

- Jane.

I should never have bought her a Wii Fit.

She said she wanted to lose a bit of

weight. I was just trying to help.

I loved her the way she was.

You bought her a Wii Fit?

So I came here to find her,

to apologise, to try and win her back.

But I had no idea how big Australia was.

I knew it was an island, so I thought,

"it can't be that big.

"I'll probably just bump into her down

the shops." But it's f***ing massive!

And now she's gone forever

and my life is pointless again.

Sorry... you bought her a Wii Fit?

My dad was right,

he should have just whipped it out

and splurged on my mum's arse

rather than waste it making me.

I still love her, but I'll never find her.

Si could always ask Lucy where she is.

Sh*t, yeah, Lucy'll probably know.

- Really?

- Actually, yeah.

She'll definitely know.

She sent her a wedding invitation.

Let's go. I'll Skype her now.

- Shotgun.

- Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.

- Thanks for this, Si.

- No problem. You would do the same for me.

- We wouldn't, your bird's a f***ing nightmare.

- Fair enough.

So far, my travelling experience

wasn't going entirely to plan.

I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced

at some point - but not literally.

Right, you lot go and pack up our stuff.

I'll Skype Lucy.

Will!

Will!

Will!

Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends.

It's Neil's fault. He's got this thing...

It was f***ing hysterical!

Closing down Splash Planet?

I mean, everyone is talking about

what an absolute legend you are.

- I'm a legend?

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