The Interestings Page #2

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Right, Long Island?

Oh, Crema Semens!

Wherever thou art!

Your life will be tragic.

It will be cut short

in an accident involving

animal de-semenizing equipment.

[laughter]

See? I told you there was

a reason I brought her in.

- Desemenizing! Go, Jules!

- Go, Jules!

Here you go, Jules. You have

definitely earned another toke.

Every year we sit here just like this.

Maybe we should name

ourselves something.

Why? So everyone will know how

just how unbelievably

interesting we are?

The Interestings.

- [chuckling]

- That works!

From this day forward,

because we are clearly

the most interesting people

- whoever f***ing lived.

- F***, yes.

Because our lives are so compelling.

Because our brains are so swollen

with intellectual thoughts.

Let us henceforth be

known as the Interestings!

Let everyone who sees us be blinded

by our brilliant and

scintillating lives.

[overlapping chatter]

- Come on.

- Oh, thank you.

- Toast to the Interestings!

- To our scintillating lives!

Whoo!

You sure you don't wanna come?

I can still get the sitter.

It'll be good to get out, you know?

Get some air, see people.

I see people everyday

in the park with Rorie.

I'm on a first-name

basis with every nanny

and alcoholic mom on

the Upper West Side.

Everyone's gonna be asking for you.

Jules, I've got the interview tomorrow.

- I just want to veg.

- Veging's good. Wish I could veg.

Probably gonna be a snooze fest anyway.

You know how Ethan

goes on at these things.

You look nice.

Can you see it's ripped in the shoulder?

- No, not at all.

- Thank God for safety pins.

Say hi to the gang for me.

Tell them we'll have

dinner soon. I'll cook.

Hey, listen. Be good and do

everything your daddy says.

Okay? I'll be home when you wake up.

You forgot to kiss Daddy.

Pucker up, Daddy.

I love you.

Don't obsess, hmm?

I love you, too.

Take a straight and stronger course

To the corner of your life

Make the white queen run so fast

[chuckles]

I mean, Ethan is a great guy, I know.

He is incredibly smart.

- And totally honest.

- So is Winnie the Pooh,

- but I wouldn't f*** him.

- You're horrible.

- I'm serious.

- Sorry.

Look, it's nothing personal.

It's just the truth.

People are attracted to their

own levels of attractiveness.

Like me and your brother,

and you and Jonah.

I mean, Ethan will

probably end up with someone

incredibly brilliant

and badly disfigured.

Cathy!

She's horrible.

Seriously, you wouldn't go

out with him if he asked you?

I don't know. I don't think so.

- Would you?

- Ash and Ethan?

[chuckles]

I mean that's like Beauty and the Beast.

I don't know.

I can't imagine myself with

anyone other than Jonah.

Yeah. Okay.

We're just so right

for each other, you know?

Jesus, Jonah, get a room.

Guess who finally agreed

to move in with me?

- Who?

- Me. It's me.

Really? Oh, my God!

- It's about time.

- Some things can't be rushed.

I admire your perseverance.

If he had let you go,

we were all ready to have

an intervention again.

You've got such fabulous friends.

God bless that f*ggot camp you went to.

[applause]

Congratulations to the

winners of our silent auction,

- especially the new owner of...

- [crowd groaning]

The Wally Figman punching bag!

[cheering]

Certain to save you

thousands in therapy bills.

But if you leave here with

nothing but our gratitude,

just know that what you're doing tonight

is making a real difference.

If you don't believe me,

ask the true conscience

of the Figman Foundation,

my beautiful wife, Ash Wolf.

[applause]

Ash has seen firsthand what

Doctors Without Borders...

I can't believe you guys were a thing.

It was never that sexual.

- We were more like...

- Sisters?

- I was gonna say lesbians.

- [stifled laughter]

Lastly, I'd love to thank the gang

at Figland for their generous support.

[applause]

Pardon, good sirs, the

Queen of Figlandia beckons.

I shall return anon.

So, yeah, make sure to eat the food.

I can personally recommend the tiramisu.

Wow. This one's new.

"If only I were President of Figland.

With respect, Bill."

Oh, I can't believe

I missed that weekend

because Rorie had that 104 fever.

I should have just sold her

to gypsies and come anyway.

I have to go to Iceland.

Goodman's in trouble.

- What's going on?

- He's f***ed up, Jules.

He's got no money. For all I

know, he's living on the streets.

- He sounded confused.

- I think he's using again.

- Your parents gonna go?

- They can't.

The doctor says my mom can't travel,

and my dad doesn't

want to leave her, so...

He's still making a mess

of his life and ours.

- I'm so sorry, Ash.

- She's desperate to see him.

It's so sad.

I told Ethan I had to go to Bali

to research these masks for

a production of "Midsummer."

You told him you're going to Indonesia

to get masks for a play set in Greece

that you're doing in Lower Manhattan?

I know. I told him it

was part of my concept.

I feel badly than I'm missing

this Museum of Broadcasting

thing they're doing in his honor,

and I told him I'd see if

you could go in my place.

I hate this. I really do.

- I...

- I do.

Just f***ing tell him already.

I can't do that. You know I can't.

He'd be devastated.

You should have told him before

you got married, or I should have.

We couldn't take the

chance. You know how he is.

He's never really believed

Goodman was innocent.

It's fine. I'll go.

What's one more lie

amongst friends, right?

- Was I that boring?

- No!

No, if I had any money to spare,

I would have stayed

until the hat was passed,

but alas, I hate

passing up a passed hat.

I forgive you.

You get a pass for

passing up the passed hat

as long as it's in the past.

I really hate it when you guys do this.

- [chuckles]

- I know.

That's what makes it so much fun.

I wish she'd let me auction her off.

What? there are so many things

wrong with that sentence.

Strictly look but don't touch.

Just dinner and drinks

with the most beautiful

woman in Manhattan.

We'd make a killing.

We'd never have to throw one

of these awful things again.

What do you say? Take one for the team.

Where's Dennis? I thought he was coming.

Oh, Rorie has a cold,

but he sends his love.

Guess what? Jules can go to the

Museum of Broadcasting with you.

Really? That's fantastic.

Oh, it will be just like old times.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, and afterwards, we can

go to that restaurant that

- Robert De Niro keeps talking about.

- No fair!

That's what you get for having the

gall to choose your career over mine.

I mean, who goes to Indonesia

to get masks for a Greek play

she's doing in the Village?

It's a concept, right?

Well, we better get back out there

while there are still

pockets to be picked.

Ah, yes. These things are gonna kill me.

But that's what I get

for marrying a saint.

What would I do without you?

Man:
The law is very clear.

Anyone who hinders or delays

The discovery of Goodman

Wolf's whereabouts

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