The Jane Austen Book Club Page #5

- Did you ever read Left Hand of Darkness?

- Not yet.

Hey, listen, Bernadette and I

were just saying

we hope Allegra didn't

scare you off the book club.

- Which one is Allegra?

- Sylvia's daughter.

Really pretty, really passionate,

wonderful girl.

Ask him if he can make time today.

You might take Sylvia to lunch today.

Tell him that Sylvia and Daniel are

in court this morning over their separation.

She could use the ego boost.

You have Sylvia's number, right?

Would you wanna come, too?

Listen, I know

there's a difference in your ages,

but I really think

the two of you will hit it off.

Sahara. I gotta go, okay?

This woman I like

definitely seems interested, but it's weird.

She's sort of pushing me to date this girl,

Allegra, who's way younger than me.

She said I should

take this girl's mother to lunch.

Bank assets will be divided equally.

Each individual will keep his or her own car,

and each will be wholly responsible

for the attendant payments and insurance.

The house owned by Daniel and Sylvia

will be jointly held,

with both parties paying an equal share of

property taxes, upkeep and repairs.

Sylvia may live in the house. Daniel will not.

As soon as Daniel hit 50, his wheels fell off.

Here's what I get from Mansfield Park.

That a marriage is only as strong

as its weakest partner.

Daniel has always wanted

to find his center by wobbling.

This is a pretty big wobble.

Mansfield Park is full of wobblers.

Lady Bertram lying around,

letting a houseful of adolescents run riot.

Fanny Price is the rock of that family.

Fanny's cousin Maria, married six months,

dumps her husband...

And don't forget Fanny's father,

the unemployed alcoholic.

Marry the weak link and you're screwed.

That's what she's saying.

No wonder why Austen never married.

It's terrifying.

- I think I finally hate him.

- Good.

I'm home. I'm going out again.

I have book club.

You just missed this guy

who got buried up to his neck

in a tank filled with cockroaches.

And they were real.

You'd think it'd be illegal

to show stuff like that.

Here, grab a spoon.

You have to leave.

You put your things in your suitcase

'cause I'm booking your flight.

- Want me to...

- Yeah.

- How did you break it?

- I fell.

Which was kind of lucky, actually.

'Cause I met this girl, Corinne,

who I've been seeing. She's a writer.

Which, um,

isn't so great, really,

'cause if she had to choose

between me and writing,

she'd probably choose writing.

But she doesn't ever have to choose.

So you never have to know.

So you're a lesbian. Full-time?

You mean, do I ever slip

and accidentally sleep with a man?

No, no, my sister Cat,

she goes out with guys and girls.

She lives in Idaho.

Your sister isn't Cat Harris.

- You know her?

- Bernadette knows everyone.

I met her through my doctor friend

in Laguna Niguel, Bianca Sillman.

You know my sister, Bianca?

I forgot that Bianca and Cat are sisters.

Those are your sisters!

Our world is an English village.

My topic is the long-suffering daughter.

One can't help but see the parallels

between the long-suffering

Fanny Price in Mansfield Park

and the long-suffering Anne Eliot

in Persuasion.

I hate Fanny Price.

Excuse me, we're not electing

the homecoming queen, okay?

I mean, yes, if this were high school, yes,

we all know Elizabeth Bennet

would be most popular

and that Fanny would be least.

- Who's Elizabeth Bennet?

- Of Pride and Prejudice.

Don't give away too much,

'cause I haven't read that one yet.

- You don't know Pride and Prejudice?

- No.

I think I read somewhere that Fanny Price

was Austen's favorite.

- Fanny's boring.

- She's faithful.

She's Horton Hatches the Egg.

She sits on that nest

and she never, ever wavers.

Well, she'd probably be easier to like

if she would just

allow some weakness in others.

- She doesn't allow it in herself.

- True.

I didn't see what was so bad

about Henry Crawford.

Yes. Thank you, Grigg.

Why does it have to be Edmund?

Well, Austen, she's always suspicious

of people who are too charming.

Just once I'd like to pick up Mansfield Park

and see Fanny end up in the sack

with Henry Crawford.

Yes! Yes!

You can't read these novels

without wondering

if she doesn't have a little thing

for the naughty boys.

Well, who doesn't?

Except for Fanny Price.

Okay, look. I love Fanny. She works hard.

- She puts her family's needs above her own.

- Mom, it's okay.

And she never, ever

stops loving Edmund, ever.

Even when he's stupid enough

to do something like

take up with Mary Crawford.

Oh, dear.

I thought Mansfield Park would be safe,

didn't you?

I don't think we're gonna get through

all six books.

Reading Jane Austen is a freaking minefield.

You're awfully quiet, Grigg. Any thoughts?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes!

The relationship

between Edmund and Fanny.

They seemed like brother and sister.

But then in the end,

it's like The Empire Strikes Back,

but it's in reverse. You know?

'Cause in Jedi, Luke Skywalker,

he gets over Princess Leia

when she turns out to be his sister.

Edmund gets over Miss Crawford and gets it

on with Fanny, who's his first cousin, so...

Did that bother anybody else?

- Weren't you gonna call Sylvia for lunch?

- Oh, yeah.

- You know Allegra's gay, right?

- Of course.

Oh. I love your furniture, in your house.

And before we do Northanger Abbey,

I gotta buy a couch, so...

- Is something going on between these two?

- Grigg, you have to...

Would you come with me,

help me pick it out?

If you take Sylvia to lunch.

Great.

Good, that's great.

- Okay, see you.

- All right, yup, here.

- Take care.

- Oh, God. Sorry.

I caught him staring at my titties.

I like that.

- I like this.

- That color's difficult.

I like things that are difficult. I'll take it.

Wait, you just don't buy

the first one you like.

- You don't even know if it'll fit.

- What? It's fine.

You getting hungry?

Grigg, I don't mean to be rude,

but may I ask,

do you have a lot of money?

Never know how to answer that.

Yeah, I have enough money.

But, you know,

I like working in tech support.

- May I?

- Sure.

You should bring Sylvia here.

It's so romantic.

You know, she's planning

this library fundraiser.

- She's busy.

- Call her.

It's hard to be alone.

- Well, maybe her husband will come back.

- Maybe.

Jane Austen should write that.

She did. In Persuasion.

Anne Eliot is in love with this guy

Wentworth who's in the navy, right?

But her family thinks that

he's not good enough.

- Right.

- So he leaves.

And when he comes back

he's become this wealthy man.

- But he's no longer in love with her.

- Okay. Don't tell me any more.

- Oh, so you're enjoying the Austen, I see.

- Yeah. And how's the Ursula Le Guin?

- You didn't like Le Guin?

- I didn't read them.

How are you gonna know what you like

unless you try?

I think at my age I should know what I like.

Age? Come on, age.

Age has nothing to do with anything.

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