The Jane Austen Book Club Page #6

I was willing to read girly books

like Jane Austen...

She is not girly.

Which I found out.

So maybe you would find out

that science fiction's not just...

- Aliens on rocket ships.

- Right.

All right, hurry up and finish.

I'm gonna show you something really cool.

What you have to understand

is that when I was a kid,

my dad and I

were basically surrounded by girls 24l7.

You know, there was my mom,

my sisters, and their friends.

So there'd be like 15 girls in the house.

It was insane.

My dad would hide out in the shed

and no one was allowed back there.

And he'd listen to ballgame,

you know, smoke his pipe.

He actually died a couple years ago

of mouth cancer.

- I'm so sorry.

- Anyway, one day...

I'm like 10 years old,

my dad takes me back to the shed

and he shows me some magazines

that he keeps back there.

He says, "This is strictly guy stuff.

It's top secret. Very private.

"Tell no one."

Yeah, so from then on, it's like...

I don't know...

It's like me and my dad and science fiction.

These were like the first books

that I fell in love with,

and I never got over it.

Arthur C. Clarke. He's a visionary writer.

Theodore Sturgeon. Amazing.

Philip K. Dick.

This was my top-secret all-guy world.

- Andre Norton.

- Very manly.

Except, as it turns out,

Andrew Norton, a.k.a. Andre Norton,

- a.k.a. Alice Mary Norton.

- No way.

- James Tiptree, Jr.

- I heard of him.

Real name, Alice Sheldon. Pat Murphy.

- Patrice Anne...

- You were still surrounded.

But by that time I liked girls.

You win. I'll read the Le Guin.

Great.

- Tell me a secret.

- Your turn.

No. You have better secrets.

You can trust me.

Tell me.

Okay, but this is not something

I would tell anyone else.

There was this special needs kid

in the grade above me, Benny.

He wore his hat squashed down

really low, and his ears stuck out.

And he was always carrying around

this basketball and going...

And, one day, I was in fourth grade,

I saw that he was holding his penis.

So, I just went back to my friends.

Well, later my dad picked me up.

And he was distracted,

just not really listening, and...

And I don't know why, but...

I said, "Dad, this boy at school

made me look at his penis."

- Wait. What was his name?

- Benny.

We actually got their address

and drove to their house.

And Benny's mom answers the door.

I mean, she was old.

She has these two long, skinny gray braids.

And my dad's yelling.

And she starts crying.

"I'm sorry, what do you expect me to do?"

And he says,

"I expect you to speak to your son."

And then right behind her is Benny

with his stupid basketball, going...

And my dad just stops.

'Cause he had a little brother like that

who died.

Oh, my God.

So we get back in the car

and my dad is just silent.

And then he says, "I think you knew

"you were leaving out

the most important part."

And I just felt horrible.

You know, I didn't really know

any of that was gonna happen.

I just wanted his attention.

Have you lost your mind?

I thought about... I thought about calling.

- I... But I didn't wanna wake you.

- You can't just show up here, Daniel.

Somebody's gotta mow the lawn.

I don't mind.

Well, I'll pay somebody.

You know? I mean, this is my home.

You cannot just arrive here without asking.

What if I had somebody staying over?

- Are you seeing someone?

- Put the mower away.

I didn't mean that in a weird kind of way.

I just missed hearing what's going on here.

Allegra, she acts like she hates me,

and the boys... I mean, Diego and Andy,

they call from school,

but they don't say much.

They're ashamed of their father.

So Diego says you told him

the handle on the shower's loose?

- Thirty seconds.

- I'll deal with it.

Is there something in the house

you don't want me to see?

Do you think

I'm not taking care of the house?

- No, no...

- You wanna do what a husband does?

You wanna fix things?

You can't fix this.

You're not my husband.

- All that's gone now.

- Can I call you next weekend?

- No, you cannot call me next weekend.

- Okay.

I'll check in with you, okay?

My mom said I could buy a motorcycle

if I paid for it myself.

It's her one stipulation, right?

So I work at the mall.

And I have that whole Kerouac thing

planned for this summer,

and now it's, "No."

I'm 18 years old.

I have the right to buy a motorcycle.

But you had a motorcycle once.

And you ended up hating it.

Remember, Trey?

Remember? You used to park it

on the other side of the gym.

It was red and black. And...

You got really tired of taking care of it.

What're you talking about?

That was my mom's technique

when I wanted something.

She'd say, "But you had

a birthday party last year.

"Remember? We had a big cake

"with pink icing and roses all over it.

"And you hated it."

And she was totally messing with you?

- It got her out of giving me a birthday party.

- Wow.

I mean, I have wonderful memories of

balloons and ballerinas and rollercoasters.

And it never happened.

That's pretty messed up.

"We certainly can't have a big party

like that every year, can we?"

So, when did you finally figure it out?

Well, by then she had this other trick.

So suggest something to me.

Something you'd like to do.

Okay. Um...

Let's get a room.

Let's not get a room and just say we did.

Then we give up?

You weren't a very persistent kid, were you?

- Trey, you really shouldn't come on to me.

- Why?

Because you're a teacher?

I... We can't do this.

Let's get out of here.

We'll go back to my place. We'll just talk.

Let's not and just wish we did.

I don't wanna pretend.

Um, we're late.

Just give me a second.

God.

- Does this place seem creepy?

- It's quiet.

- Wow, Sylvia, you look great!

- Hottie!

It's the new me.

- Hey, how's Corinne doing?

- Great.

So, are we up for Grigg's amazing insights

on Northanger Abbey?

Stop it. He might surprise you.

- I hope his couch has arrived.

- Oh, I don't mind sitting on the floor.

- Passing around cans of aerosol cheese?

- Stop it. Fine.

Grigg is a grownup.

I'm sure he's made it very nice.

All right.

Welcome. Please come in.

- Whoa.

- Grigg? Whoa!

Apparently, he thinks it's Hallowe'en.

- No, it's Northanger Abbey! It's Gothic!

- Right!

No one gets out alive!

- I don't like this. I don't like this.

- Sylvia, Sylvia!

- Grigg? Grigg? Grigg?

- Sylvia, it's a joke.

- He's just having fun...

- Oh, Sylvia, Sylvia, Sylvia!

It's okay. It's all right.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Look.

- It's a send-up of Northanger.

- It's a program.

- Bernadette, that's your phone.

This is my remote.

And everything's on sensors.

Prudie? Oh, hi, Dean.

Is Prudie running late?

- What do you do on Hallowe'en?

- Oh, Hallowe'en is big.

Hallowe'en is much, much bigger.

You should come over for Hallowe'en.

- Wait.

- Oh, that's terrible.

I got inspired reading

The Mysteries of Udolpho.

You know, the book in Northanger Abbey

that Catherine's obsessed with reading?

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