The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #1

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Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. Please welcome Jeff Dunham!

Jeff:
Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you very much. And, unless I'm allucinating, welcome to the Jeff Dunham Show. Now, a lot of folks

have been wondering what the show is gonna be. Well, for those here who know what i do for a living, you've seen me and the guys on TV, you've seen us on the Comedy Central Specials, maybe on the DVDs. But you've only heard us talk about what we do off the stage. You've never really seen it, So what we decided to do for a TV show is we took the little guys out in the real world

real life, real situations, with real people, and we saw what would happen. And that's what you're gonna watch tonight. So the first guy that's gonna help me this evening is been a friend for many many years, let's hope he's in a good mood tonight. Please let me welcome my old friend Walter.

Walter:
Oh, Lord. Would you please shut the hell up?

Jeff:
What's wrong with you?

Walter:
Nothing. Are you serious? You have your

own television show?

Jeff:
Yeah, you know why?

Walter:
Yeah, YouTube couldn't take it anymore.

Jeff:
That wasn't very nice.

Walter:
Seriously, they'll give anyone a show, nowadays.

Jeff:
What makes you say that??

Walter:
Read my lips: "The Jeff Dunham Show". Holy crap, what has happened to this world? You're on TV, there's a black guy in the white house... i quit.

Jeff:
C'mon, Walter...

Walter:
I have lived too freakin' long now.

Jeff:
Do you always have to be so negative?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
You know, you realize we're doing it again.

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
We're arguing.

Walter:
No, we're not.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Walter:
No.

Jeff:
Yeah...

Walter:
No.

Jeff:
Yes, we are.

Walter:
Whatever.

Jeff:
And remember where we learned not to do that?

Walter:
At the therapist.

Dr Young:
So, what brings you here today?

Walter:
I'm here 'cause grandpa touched my hoo hoo dilly. Can we go now?

Jeff:
Walter and I never agree on anything, and Comedy Central is afraid that it's affecting the show. So they asked us to come see specifically you.

Dr Young:
Walter, I'm gonna start with you since you seem to be having a little more difficulty here.

Walter:
Well, thank you.

Dr Young:
What are two things you like about Jeff?

Walter:
I got nothing.

Dr Young:
Ok. What are two things you dislike about Jeff?

Walter:
Oh, he's a *****.

Dr Young:
Ok. He's a *****, and what else?

Walter:
You said.. I can't believe the therapist actually said *****.

Dr Young:
That's interesting because it sounded really awful when I said it, I'm wondering if you're aware how

kinda disruptive and disrespectful it sounded when you said it.

Walter:
Nope.

Dr Young:
Walter, do you and your wife talk a lot?

Walter:
I never talk to my wife like this. What are you nuts?

Dr Young:
Maybe she doesn't share with you for the same reason Jeff here...

Walter:
What about your wife?? You talk to her like that?

Dr Young:
I share very personal things with my partner, yes.

Walter:
Oh.. you mean "wife".

Dr Young:
Are you trying to ask me if I'm married?

Walter:
Yeah, I assumed you're married. You're married, right?

Dr Young:
I am married.

Walter:
Oh good!

Dr Young:
I'm married to a man.

Walter:
What?

Dr Young:
I'm married to a man.

Walter:
You're.. married... to a man.

Jeff:
Man.

Walter:
Man?

Jeff:
Man!

Walter:
Man. Did you know?

Jeff:
No.

Walter:
No, we didn't know. Are you a counselor to gay couples?

Dr Young:
I do counsel gay couples.

Walter:
Do.. you think that.. we're gay?

Dr Young:
Well, Walter, if you were, i think you should be very proud that you were able to get yourself a younger handsome man.

Walter:
Holy crap!

Jeff:
Walter, why did you just get up and leave?

Walter:
I told you we shouldn't have come to Hollywood. This is what they do here. Everyone thinks we're gay.

Jeff:
No one thinks we're gay.

Walter:
Then why did they send us to a gay therapist?

Jeff:
It was just a coincidence. Besides, I would never wanna be gay with you.

Walter:
Hey, you got that right. I'd never wanna read the Kamasutra while sitting on your lap.

Jeff:
Right.

Walter:
I'd never wanna slowdance with you to Lionel Ritchie's "Hello".

Jeff:
And I would never wanna go to a place called "The Manhole" with you.

Walter:
I'd never wanna taste you in the morning.

Jeff:
Walter, do you see what we're doing here?

Walter:
What?

Jeff:
We're agreeing.

Walter:
We are?

Jeff:
Yeah. We're ageeing that we'd never wanna be gay with each other.

Walter:
Oh, my God, you're right!

(toilet flush)

Walter:
Dr Young, you're a genius. You used the fact that we didn't wanna be gay with each other to bring us closer. You're like a gay Yoda.

Dr Young:
Ah, i've never heard it put that way, Walter, but thank you.

Jeff:
Thanks, Dr. Young.

Walter:
Do I look fat in this vest?

Walter:
You know what the saddest part about that was?

Jeff:
What?

Walter:
We were trying to convince everyone we're not gay but we're hanging out in a bathroom with a whole camera crew of men.

Jeff:
Well, Wal...

Walter:
Don't touch me!

Jeff:
We'll be right back.

Achmed:
Comin' up next, me, Achmed. Holy crap, I look great in HD. And Peanut tries to do it with a celebrity.

Plus, Bubba J gets surprised, which, frankly, is not very difficult. Don't change the channel or your remote will explode!!

Jeff:
Well, we're back, and I think you all know Achmed, the dead terrorist. So, Achmed, anything you

wanna say to the crowd?

Achmed:
SILENCE! Wait for it.. I KILL YOU!! That is fantastic, I feel like freaking Rod Stewart. Let's do it altogheter. One, two, three, I KILL YOU!

Audience:
I KILL YOU!

Achmed:
They're talking to you.

Jeff:
So Achmed, how are you liking Los Angeles?

Achmed:
Oh, I do not like living in this city.

Jeff:
Why?

Achmed:
There are no morals in this city.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
The only virgins left here are the Jonas Brothers. So that makes Los Angeles the perfect place for me to launch my latest project.

"He's one of the most feared people on the planet. One of the FBI's most wanted terrorists. And now is coming to kill you..."

Achmed:
Heyooo!

"..with comedy!"

Achmed:
The economy is so bad, I had to sell my goat.

Now, if I want sex, I have to do it with my wife!

"That's right! Achmed, the dead terrorist is blowing up the comedy world with his new stand-up DVD: "I kill you? I kill me!"

Achmed:
Seventy-two virgins? Frankly I'll be happier with

two Vietnamese chicks who know their way

around the ****.

"If you like your jobs delivered by a dead guy with a turban, this DVD's for you!'

Achmed:
So, any jews here tonight? Oh, really? Ok, skip that bit.

"He does relationship humor!"

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