The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #1

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Achmed:
My wife complained I left the toilet seat up, so I sold her.

"He does topical!"

Achmed:
I mean, is it really an instant message?

"He does impressions!"

Achmed:
I am not a muslim.. Dog!

"He works the crowd!"

Achmed:
Sir! What do you do?"

"I'm an accountant."

Achmed:
You know you've got a bad job when a dead terrorist is like "Thank god I'm not you!"

"And who can forget his famous routine: "You might be a terrorist if.."?

Achmed:
If you like living in a cave.. you might be a terrorist. If you sometimes go "hlalalalala"

Audience:
You might be a terrorist!

"Act now and get tons of great bonus material,

including Achmed's infamous heckler incident."

"Hey, terrorist, you suck!"

Achmed:
Are you ******* kidding me? Hey, ***********, I kill people for a living!

"You still suck!"

Achmed:
I KILL YOU!

"Oh, ****!"

"That's Achmed stand-up DVD plus the bonus material,

all for one low low price of $9.95. Shipping the infidel country's extra."

Achmed:
Good night Cleveland! Dammit.

Achmed:
Thank you! Thank you so much!

Jeff:
So, Achmed, how's your stand-up career going?

Achmed:
Oh, pretty good. I've been performing at the

Kabul Chuckle Dungeon.

Jeff:
The "Kabul Chuckle Dungeon"?

Achmed:
Yes, every Thursday is ladies night.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
You gotta trade in a lady for a drink. Walter calls it whores for Heinekens". No? "Hooters for shooters"? "Virgins for vodka"? "Skanks for Screwdrivers"

Jeff:
Achmed..

Achmed:
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Walter:
I wonder if Dunham is gonna go nuts like Chapelle. I heard Africa is nice this time of year.

Peanut:
Coming up next, me, Peanut, surfing the skanky waters of the L.A. dating scene. Plus the genius lures a guy into bed. Well, truckbed.. It's complicated.

Jeff:
How you doing, Peanut?

Peanut:
I'm doing pretty good, how 'bout you?

Jeff:
I'm fine

Peanut:
That's good that's good that's gooood!

Jeff:
Well Peanut, it's great to have you in my TV show.

Peanut:
"Your" TV show? Excuse me, this is "my" TV show.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
YEAH.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
YEEEEEEEEEES.

Jeff:
What is that big sign right there?

Peanut:
A typo?

Jeff:
Did you see the parking place with my name on it?

Peanut:
Oh yeah.

Jeff:
Right?

Peanut:
Handicapped.

Jeff:
That's not funny.

Peanut:
Then why are they laughing?

Jeff:
So Peanut, are you enjoying Southern California?

Peanut:
Oh, dude, I gotta tell you that California girls can

not get enough of the lavender lover! I tell you what, I got the Hollywood hotties melting at the thought of going out with me.

Jeff:
That's not the way I remember it.

Jeff:
Peanut?

Peanut:
What?

Jeff:
You remember my publicist, Elaine?

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jeff:
And, look, if you wanna meet celebrities, she's THE ONE to talk to.

"Hi, it's a pleasure to see you."

Peanut:
Oh, now look, Elaine, I want to have a celebrity girlfriend now. I wanna meet one now!

"So, who are you looking for?"

Peanut:
Someone that's hot and freakin' famous!

"Ok, so hot and freaking famous."

Peanut:
Hooot.

"Well, who were you thinking of?"

Peanut:
The Olsen twins! They're my size.

"They're little."

Peanut:
They're little, they kinda look like me too, look!

"You'd make a good trio."

Peanut:
Tri..? Awesome!

"But no.. What about Brooke Hogan?"

Peanut:
Brooke Hogan? The one whose CD we've been listening to in the car? "The Redemption". Available now, in stores everywhere. That woman sings like an angel,

and she's stacked like two golden towers of flapjacks. Give it a shot, Elaine.

Peanut:
I can't believe I'm about to meet Brooke Hogan! I'm so excited, Jeff.

Jeff:
Just don't be nervous.

Peanut:
How can I not be nervous?? She's so hot and, you know, she's got that big.. personality. And she's so, so exciting! So exciting!

Jeff:
You just need to calm down and be yourself.

Peanut:
Ok, fine fine fine fine fine, be myself. Do you have any advice for me?

Jeff:
Well, tell her a joke.

Peanut:
Oh! A joke! Ok, good! Ok. Two gay guys walk in a bar..

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Black guys?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Chinese?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Jews?

Jeff:
No!

Peanut:
What??

Jeff:
Don't do ethnic stuff.

Peanut:
Ok. Ok, ok, ok. What if I accidentally look at her b*obs?

Jeff:
Just.. don't!

Peanut:
No, ok, good. That's her car.

Jeff:
I think so. Well, good luck buddy.

"Hi, Peanut."

Peanut:
Hi Brooke, good to see you.

"Good to see you too. You've been waiting long?"

Peanut:
Oh, well, just my entire life.

"Here you go, fellas."

Peanut:
Oh, guacamole! Well, tastes delicious and feels great smeared all over your body. Did I said it out loud?

"Funny!"

Peanut:
So, tell me about your.. That feels weird.. Ok, there's not.. There's not nuts in.. in guacamole? Nah! I'm fine. So, your C.. There's definitely nuts in..!

"I don't think there's nuts in guacamole."

Peanut:
So tell me about Miami.. (choking) I love your shoes.. (choking continues)

"Oh, God, that is so gross..!

"I gotta be honest, Peanut, I don't think this is gonna work out."

Peanut:
I didn't finish telling you my joke (cough) There're two black guys..

Achmed:
Greetings! I'm Achmed. I understand you're a Virgin. Nuts?

Jeff:
Peanut, I'm gonna say that didn't go well.

Peanut:
Well, it would have if Achmed hadn't tried to freakin' kill me! I got him back though.

Jeff:
What'd you do?

Peanut:
I gave his arm to your chihuahua.

Jeff:
We'll be right back.

"And now, "Achmed, the dead terrorist, shares classified information"."

Achmed:
You didn't heard from me, but Owen totally likes you.

"This has been "Achmed, the dead terrorist,

shares classified information"."

Jeff:
So, how're you doing tonight, Bubba J?

Bubba J:
I'm hammered!

Jeff:
Bubba J, remember the rule I made about drinking before a show?

Bubba J:
Was it: "Be sure to drink a buttload before every show"?

Jeff:
Why would I make a rule like that?

Bubba J:
Cause it's the best rule ever!

Jeff:
Let's show everyone what you did yesterday.

Bubba J:
When was yesterday?

Jeff:
So, the guys and I have been in Los Angeles for a little while, now and I just started to get the feeling that Bubba J was getting kinda homesick.

Bubba J:
Yeah. Pretty sad.

Jeff:
So I thought I bring him somewhere that I knew would make him happy.

Bubba J:
A beer barn?

Jeff:
No, look.

Bubba J:
Guuuuuuuuuns!

Nolan:
Alright, Bubba J, here's all the guns that we have to choose from.

Bubba J:
Well i'll tell you what, Nolan? You got some good stuff here. I recognize some of these from home.

Jeff:
You do?

Bubba J:
Oh, absolutely. The one right there? I tell you what, that's what we call "The Squirrel Kill 2000".

Jeff:
Really?

Bubba J:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What's that?

Bubba J:
Uh "The Wife gitter".

Jeff:
And how 'bout that one?

Bubba J:
Oh, that's called "The Circumciser". Let's go shoot some guns, Nolan!

Nolan:
Hold on, before you shoot you have to take a gun-safety course.

Bubba J:
Gun-safety course?

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