The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #3

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(opening)

Jeff:
Thank you so much! All right! Thank you. You're very kind! Thank you so much! Wow, i feel i just won the nobel prize for walking on a stage. Could you please tell my daughters that you think i'm this cool, seriously? I need to send it to 'em by text message because they are no longer accepting speech a a form of communication.

But now, ladies and gentleman, could you please help me welcome a guy that's been a friend for a little while. I guess you could call him a friend. Achmed the dead terrorist.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidel swine!

Jeff:
Achmed...

Achmed:
What?!

Jeff:
What are you doing?

achmed:
What do you mean what am i doing? I am exercising what you folks call "freedom of speech."

Jeff:
You don't have freedom of speech where your from?

Achmed:
Well no, not exactly. We have freedom of speech, but the government has freedom of cutting out our tongues.

Jeff:
So that's why you're trying to become a U.S. citizen?

Achmed:
No, it is part of my master plan to destroy America from the inside. But you did not hear it form me.

Jeff:
That's right. last week, Achmed tried to become a U.S. citizen.

Achmed:
Only in America could i become an American citizen.

Achmed:
A wise man one told me that the best way to defeat your enemies to learn their ways from the inside. That man was Hillary Clinton. Just kidding. or am i?

"What is your professional background?"

Achmed:
Uh, i was a terrorist in my country, but i promise to do something else here. Cross my heart.

"Have you ever been married to more than one person

at the same time?"

Achmed:
I wouldn't call them "people," they're women. (chuckles) a trick question.

"Achmed, citizenship allows you to change your name."

Achmed:
Sure. how about "Steve"? Or some of those

things Michael Jackson says? you know, they're sounds,

not really names like "chamon" or "hoo-oo!"

"Now there is a requirement that you pass an exam

for government and history. are you aware of

that, Achmed?

Achmed:
Crap!

(School Bell Rings)

"You're all here to study citizenship and E.S.L. Don't be too worried about your accent because english is not your first-

Achmed:
We do not have accents!

"Well, actually, you do have a bit of an accent."

Achmed:
I do not! Silence! I keel you!

"There's a slight accent when you say "kill."

Achmed:
Keel?

"Not "Keel." Kill."

Achmed:
Keel.

"Kill."

Achmed:
Keel...

"Kill. Make it short."

Achmed:
Keel.

"Kill."

Achmed:
Keel.

"Kill."

Achmed:
Keel.

"I kill you."

"I kill you."

"I kill you."

"I kill you.

"Okay. Let's talk about the questions that you're going to be asked. The first question is "what stops one branch

of the government from becoming too powerful?"

Achmed:
A bloody coup?

"Uh, no. What is the supreme law of the land?"

Achmed:
Supersize it?

(laughs)

"What did Susan B. Anthony do?"

Achmed:
She put the "b" in "biotch."

"No."

Achmed:
Oh, this is harder than i thought.

(school bell rings)

Achmed:
Oh, psst! hey, hey, hey, grasshopper, listen, i suck at taking tests big-time. How much would it cost

for you to take my test?

"Sorry, no, no."

Achmed:
Ah! I need someone to take my test. who is the most American-y person i know?

Bubba J:
(goofy voice) My name is Achmed. I'm here to try to be an American person.

"Okay, Achmed, what is your country of origin?

Bubba J:
Uh... Afiraquistan?

"Afiraquistan is not a country."

Bubba J:
Al Quediego?

"Okay, it says in my notes here that you're from a country in the middle east?

Bubba J:
Uh, yup, middle east, yeah, that's it.

"Which one?"

Bubba J:
The one with the sand, and the hats made out of towels.

"Well, hello, Achmed. Uh, i'm afraid, uh, you didn't pass.

Achmed:
what?! How is that possible?! "what is the 17th amendment?" "Beer"? Idiot! "The National Anthem is 'Smoke On The Water'"? Holy crap!

"It's not gonna happen. You're not gonna become a U.S. citizen."

Achmed:
I know so much about America, like do you know why the statue of liberty has a torch?

"I believe it's symbolic of the light of freedom."

Achmed:
(chuckling) oh, you're so funny! No, it's to help her at night so she can keep all the jews from sneaking in.

"You know, there may be one other option for you."

Achmed:
What is it? I'll do anything!

"Do you have what it takes, to be a united states marine?!"

Achmed:
Holy crap!

Bubba J:
Could somebody change this

to NASCAR, please? Hello?

Walter:
Walter here. Coming up, I hang with some nerds.

Sweet Daddy Dee makes Dunham look even whiter. And then the purple freak, tries to sell you some worthless crap. Now go pee.

(cheering and applause)

Jeff:
You know, Walter, i was thinking today...

Walter:
That's fantastic! We're all so proud of you, Jeff!

Jeff:
No, what i was going to say was i was thinking

about the fact that older folks in general really don't know what myspace is.

Walter:
I do. I wish you'd get out of my space right now.

Jeff:
Well, i don't think a lot of folks know what twittering is.

Walter:
Twittering: that's twisting someone's nipple in a bad way. Why do you think i always have my frickin' arms crossed? Screw Peanut.

Jeff:
This is why we sent Walter to a mac store to learn about technology.

Walter:
I don't need a fancy computer to give someone

a good twitter.

Walter:
So, Kellen and Jeremy here are going to be my tech guides. Yep, i'm hanging out with a couple of sad nerds for a day. Is it, uh, "nerds" or "virgins"?

Both:
Geeks."

Walter:
Oh. Geeks.

"Yeah."

Walter:
You smell like pot.

"What do you know about the internet, Walter?"

Walter:
Uh, it's a fad. I give it three months, tops.

"It's the ultimate resource, for, like, finding information

on anything and i-i do mean anything."

Walter:
it's all driven by porn, isn't it?

"You can accidentally happen upon some fetishes and so forth."

Walter:
Oh, yeah, that's the excuse i give my wife. "oh, i didn't mean to click on bigthingys.com."

"Exactly. That's a great excuse."

Walter:
So, look, i've been trying to figure out, there's something about you that gives me the heebie-jeebies. At first i thought it might be your hair, and then i realized, "nope, it's definitely your hair." so, what does your girlfriend think of your rat nest fez hat?

"I am, uh... i don't have a girlfriend, Walter."

Walter:
Shocker.

"Uh, so, Walter, this is iChat. It's a video chat program. It's going to enable you to chat with anyone in the world.

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