The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #3

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Walter:
Hello? Hello? Where's the camera?

"So, the camera is right up here in the top of the screen."

Walter:
What if i walk around the house naked?

"Uh, well, if-if you're in the camera frame, it could pick

that up as well."

Walter:
Wow. Nope. Wouldn't fit. Ha! Get it?

"I get it. I get it."

Walter:
Could i talk to somebody else now?

"Sure, sure. Absolutely."

Walter:
Hey, Jose, this is my friend Jeremy.

Jose:
Wow. hola, señor Jeremy. Is he a virgin?

Walter (whispers): Yes.

Jose:
Does he have the canja?

Walter:
(whispers): Yes.

"This game's called, Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare. Let's kill some people."

(gun firing)

Walter:
Whoa! This- this is a little more intense than frogger. Holy crap! Son of a (bleep). (bleep) hit me in the head. Come back here you (bleep) A**hole. Kick your ass!

Hey, when the race wars go down, i want you on my team. I never want to stop playing this game, ever.

Walter:
Wow. me and the two studs here learned a lot today about the latest, most cutting-edge computer gadgets of the future. Pencils in hand, let's review.

Today, i learned i liked the Lady Gaga. I learned that Kellen spends his breaks doing something . called whip-its. I finally convinced Kellen to get his hair cut. I learned Jose might be running a cockfighting ring out of Jeff's house. Now that Kellen doesn't look like a serial killer,

maybe he'll get a little stank on the hang low. Well i hope you learned a lot tonight on Walter's technology minute,

and if you didn't, good night and get over it.

(cheering)

Jeff:
Walter, i-i really enjoyed that.

Walter:
Thank you.

Jeff:
When's your next tech minute?

Walter:
Uh, it's been postponed.

Jeff:
Why? The slide projector broke.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yo, stay tuned to see me take Dunham

somewhere he ain't never been and then peanut's purple ass gets a little bling on the side. i just hope it's legal.

Jeff:
All right. please welcome my long-time manager, Sweet Daddy Dee.

(cheering)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Hey! hey, what's up, y'all?

Jeff:
What's up, sweet daddy?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
What did you say?

Jeff:
I said, "what's up?"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You know, when you say, "what's up?" it sounded like (British accent): "good afternoon, my good fellow."

Jeff:
I'm not that white.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, dude, you are so white, you're whiter than center ice

at a hockey game. You're so white, asians try to eat you

with chopsticks. You're so white, you think wonder bread

is soul food. You're so white, folks who play Hackey sack are like, "damn, that dude is white."

you're like Al Sharpton's negative.

Jeff:
Sweet Daddy doesn't think i have enough African American fans.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Enough! you don't have any black fans, dawg. But, i tried to get you some, starting at my barber shop. roll the damn clip.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yo, what's up, my brothers and sisters? Ha, ha!

Jeff:
Howdy, folks.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Shh! just let me do the talking. So, who here has heard of my man, Jeff Dunham?

(Silence)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Exactly. well, now little Jeff here has a big new show on Comedy Central, so to make sure black America tunes in, i wanted you to meet him and see that he's the most hilarious man in the universe. Go on and make all these nice black folks laugh.

Jeff:
Okay. (Clears throat) Well, hi, everybody. Well, i- i got a really bad sunburn the other day, and, um, don't you hate when that happens? So, any civil war buffs here?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
No, no, no, no, Jeff. Do the funny ones. Yeah.

Jeff:
Okay, i got plenty more. Don't you hate it when you get pulled over in your Volvo and your tuxedo gets caught in the door handle and... bye.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Look, dawg, maybe you should just go wait outside.

Jeff:
Yeah, that's probably best. You guys have been great.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
All right. Now that we got the white dude out of the room, uh, what did you think? Come on, be honest.

"Don't ever in your life, bring him in here again!"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You know what? the problem is not

that black folks don't know Jeff Dunham. It's that Jeff Dunham don't know black folks.

"Now, that's the truth."

"That's the truth."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
So, do a brother a solid. help me help the white man figure out what black people think is funny.

(Hard rock blaring)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
All right, let's start with "who makes us laugh?

"Oh, Richard Pryor."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Richard Pryor's hilarious, and you know why? Because he's always saying bad words, like mother (bleep).

Sweet Daddy Dee:
We can get Jeff to start using mother (bleep) 50 times in his act. Is that good?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, this is good stuff. We got to take some notes. you got a piece of paper? Let's write it down. Wait, we didn't meet. What was your name?

"Stasha."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh Stasha, nice to meet you.

"Nice to meet you too, sugar daddy."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
(laughs, smooches)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Who else?

"Katt Williams."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Well, how can you be a churchgoing woman and talk about him? Cause he always talks

about hos and pimps.

"I go to church on Sunday."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, that's right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Write dat down! Pimps and hos. But there's only room for one tiny pimp in this room. (makes kissing sound)

"You know, when he's telling those jokes, he even put the n-word in the right place. I says, "well, i'll be damned. I like that."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, so maybe we should get my man

to say the n-word like Katt Williams does.

"No. Negative. See, he can't do it 'cause he doesn't fit that mold."

"Negative."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Cross that off the list. No n-word.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
All right, we talked about who makes black folks laugh. Now what about "what"? What about a guy getting kicked in the nuts?

"That ain't funny."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Nah, that's not funny.

"Ain't nothin' funny about that."

"Now you do know prostitute makes more money than a dope dealer?"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Why does a prostitute...?

"It's just simple. Cause she can wash her crack and use it again.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Okay, you write that down?

"I got to write that down."

"Oo-ee!"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I'm gonna go get Hunky Mcgee and lay a little 411 on him on how to change his show, you know what i'm sayin'?

(knocking)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
These nice folk helped meput together a list of everything black people think is funny.

"Listen up. Couple things that we find funny:

Richard Pryor, funny. (bleep), funny. Katt Williams,

hos and pimps, that's funny. A couple things that are not funny: kicking in the nuts, no. "what you talkin' 'bout, willis?!" not funny. And most definitely, last but not least, do not use the n-word. Not funny."

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