The Jeff Dunham Show Page #3

Season #1 Episode #3

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Jeff:
Well, no wonder black people don't like me. I didn't know any of this stuff.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Jeff Dunham, these gorgeous folks have poured hot comedy fudge on your scoop-of-vanilla act.

Jeff:
I think i know exactly what i need to do.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
What?!

Bubba J:
Will you watch Jeff Dunham's new tv show for some free money?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You disgust me.

(cheering and applause)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Payin' black folks to watch your tv show. How does that make you feel?

Jeff:
Like Shizznit?

Announcer:
And now... Achmed The Dead Terrorist, invites a group of 3-year olds to his birthday party.

Achmed:
Hey, who wants to go to my birthday party? Ouch.

Announcer:
This has been... Achmed The Dead Terrorist, invites a group of 3-year olds to his birthday party.

Jeff:
So Peanut, tell us what's been going on lately.

Peanut:
Well, let's see. I can't really talk about it.

Jeff:
What do you mean?

Peanut:
I have a lot going on.

Jeff:
Really?

Peanut:
I do. I have been kicking ass here in L.A. Tinseltown.

Jeff:
You have?

Peanut:
I've been getting a lot of offers.

Jeff:
A lot of showbiz offers?

Peanut:
Yes, i've been turning down scripts left and right.

Jeff:
really?

Peanut:
Oh, yeah!

Jeff:
Like what?

Peanut:
They sent me a romantic comedy, and i said,

"not enough explosions." they said, "do you want to work with Tom Cruise?" And i said, "i'm sorry. I don't do space aliens." they said, "how about Brad Pitt?" and i said,

"who?" They sent me a script for the next Harry Potter sequel. and i said, "Hermione, my heinie!" they sent me a script for a horror movie, and i said, "i don't work with whores."

Jeff:
I heard they sent you a sci-fi script.

Peanut:
Then i said, "beam me up a new agent!" ha-ha-ha!

Jeff:
So what are you actually doing?

Peanut:
Do you really want to know?

Jeff:
Yes.

Peanut:
Promise?

Jeff:
Yes.

Peanut:
You do?

Jeff:
Yes.

Peanut:
You do?

Jeff:
Yes.

Peanut:
Yes?

Jeff:
Yes!

Peanut:
Yes! Are you ready for this?

Jeff:
Yes.

Peanut:
I am the star

of an infomercial.

Peanut:
People always ask me, "Peanut, where do you get so much energy?" and i'm, like, "how the hell

did you get in my house?" and then i tell them, "some of my energy is natural, "but the rest... from a can of the most intense energy drink ever." i know because i invented it. It's called, "neow"!

"Neow!"

"Neow."

Peanut:
(spluttering) Whew! Neow! punches those other lame energy drinks in the face. 22, 23, 24. Neow's just caffeine, sugar and... (spluttering) yeah!

"Right!"

"Right!"

Peanut:
And now it contains a super awesome, healthy

natural ingredient milked from actual Komodo dragons. I know cause i milk them myself.

"You can't milk a Komodo dragon!"

Peanut:
Huh! then what was i pulling on? (gasps) No wonder he won't stop following me around. (gasping) (screaming) (screaming) Neow! Yeah!

(cheering and applause)

Jeff:
Peanut, any side effects to that drink?

Peanut:
Well... (spluttering) (screaming, oinking) Nope. Actually, the only problem is that Komodo dragon won't stop calling me.

Jeff:
You guys have been great. we'll see you next time.

Peanut:
Buh-Bye!

Rate this script:4.2 / 5 votes