The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #2

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Achmed:
Please give up a visible American standing ovation for our host: Mr. Jeff Dunham.

Jeff:
Thank you so much. Thank You. Thank You. Stop.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Stop. You're... that's very nice of you. Thank you. You know, people ask me how long i've been doing this for a living. Well, take a look at this picture.

(Picture)

Jeff:
Yes, at first, you can see how excited my parents are

About me being a ventriloquist. Look at that huge Christmas tree that was the weirdest Hanukkah ever. Look at my mom's hair. That's where I kept my pet eagle. And my dad kept his car keys there, too. It's scary. My dad looks really excited. Look at that. He's... he's just very proud of his son playing with dolls. It's great. I thought my parents were upset about my career choice, but later, I learned, uh... well. Look where the dummy has his hand. Sorry, Mom. But, to start things off tonight, here's another guy Who makes my mom uncomfortable all the time. Please welcome Achmed the dead terrorist. So, Achmed, do you have anything to say?

Achmned:
Uh... silence. Oh, forget it.

Jeff:
What's wrong tonight, Achmed?

Achmed:
Everyone looks at Achmed and sees an angry, happy-go-lucky dead terrorist. But, really, I'm more of a "crying on the inside" kind of a guy. Thanks.

Jeff:
Wh-why? What's wrong?

Achmed:
Nobody, not even you, remembered my death day.

Jeff:
Your... your... your what?

Achmed:
My death day. I turned seven years dead yesterday. And I didn't get anything.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
No. Not even a letter bomb. And nothing on my Facebook wall.

Jeff:
I didn't know you were on Facebook.

Achmed:
What, I can't be on Facebook just because I don't have a freaking face? I kill you! I have no friends.

Jeff:
I'm your friend.

Achmed:
I have no cool friends.

Jeff:
So, what did you do on your death day?

Achmed:
What else?

Jeff:
What?

Achmed:
I threw myself a funeral.

"Welcome, Achmed. I'm Jon Lorenzen. I'm president of the Lorenzen Mortuary. How can I help you today?"

Achmed:
Well, Jon, I want the biggest, sexiest. Most awe-inspiring tearjerker of a funeral ever. I want to make Michael Jackson's funeral, look like a white trash bar mitzvah. You know what I'm saying?

"Okay."

Achmed:
And I want Elton John to sing... "Anthrax in the Wind." Could you get that?

"I don't think so."

Achmed:
So, Jon, let's take a look around, Maybe try out some caskets.

"Okay."

Achmed:
Well... to be honest, Totally uncomfortable. There's no lumbar support.

"Understandable."

Achmed:
Do you have anything with memory foam?

"Nothing with memory foam."

Achmed:
I'm looking for something a little classier,

cause, you know, i'm going to be here for a while.

So, I was thinking that... How about that one?

"That's the Lasting Slumber 3000."

Achmed:
How much is that?

"It's $8,000."

Achmed:
8,000 bucks? It better have stinking Wi-Fi for that. Uh, what do you have for $50? What? A dog casket?

This is humiliating, Jon. I don't lick myself. I... I'm not saying i haven't tried, but come on!

"Achmed, this is my chief of staff, Michaela Basillo.

She'll help you with the rest of the arrangements."

Achmed:
Michaela, nice to meet you.

"Nice to meet you."

Achmed:
Can we talk about the markers now? Like, the headstones and stuff?

"Sure. You can pick either bronze or granite. You can put your name on it, Pick what style of font you'd like. If you would like designs on it. You can pick if you want to put your picture on it. Things of that nature.

Achmed:
Yeah. Picture on it. Yep. Put my face on it.

"Tux looks pretty good."

Achmed:
Does it?

"Yeah."

Achmed:
So, Jon, tell me more about this Michaela.

"Well, she's one of my best employees."

Achmed:
She has doubles, but is she single?

"Yeah, she's single."

Achmed:
Got that right. Is she Jewish?

"No, she's not Jewish."

Achmed:
Oh... whew. Oh, I mean, uh... oh.

Achmed:
Okay, before we start, just a quick reminder:

Anyone who brought automatic weapons, wait until the end of the service to fire them into the air. And now, Jon will perform my eulogy.

"Achmed. Terrorist. Family Man. Ladies man. He struck fear into the hearts of the dirty infidels. He also made the most delicious cheesecake. With goat sauce you ever tasted."

Achmed:
Wait, wait, wait. Jon, I'm sorry. Before we go any further, I have an announcement to make. Michaela, would you please approach the casket? Thanks.

"Yes?"

Achmed:
So... You have stirred parts of me that were blown off years ago. Michaela... will you please take this ring. And say you'll be my fifth or sixth wife?

Pierre:
Halt! Do not answer that question.

Achmed:
What?! Are you kidding me? My French cousin, Pierre. What in the world are you doing here? Did France run out of underage boys?

Pierre:
Oh, you are so funny, Achmed. Not.

Achmed:
I can't understand his crazy accent.

Could we have subtitles, please?

Pierre:
Oh subtitles, so American, i spit on you ugly subtitles. Anyway, i heard you were having a funeral. So i decided to stop by and pay my homage. But not that i am here i too have fallen in love with this beautiful woman, my sweet. MMM....MMMMM.

Achmed:
I knew it. He's always been jealous of me.

Always wanting what I have.

Pierre:
Do not worry my light breakfast, once Achmed is buried, we can be together forever, but now, i am going to woo this beautiful woman away from your bony clutches by speaking French. Let us, make love, through a field of cabbage.

Achmed:
Michaela is not going to fall for this crap. Right, Michaela?

Achmed:
She fell for it. I can't believe it. This is the saddest funeral ever. I don't even have a pallbearer.

Jeff:
I'll do it for you.

Achmed:
Seriously?

Achmed:
This is ever so sweet of you.

I don't say it enough, Jeff Dunham, But you are the best friend a terrorist could ever... Ow! Son of a b*tch! I kill you from here! Worst pallbearer ever.

Achmed:
Holy crap! Remind me not to make you a pallbearer at my next funeral. You pallbear like a girl.

Jeff:
I was just trying to help you. And, by the way, have you heard from Pierre at all?

Achmed:
No. I'm not on speaking terms with that garlic-stinking frog.

Jeff:
Achmed, why do you hate him so much?

Achmed:
He steals everything that's mine.

Jeff:
What do you mean?

Achmed:
He even took my catchphrase and ruined it.

Jeff:
How?

Achmed:
He goes up to them, and then says: "Silence! I screw you!"

Jeff:
That's too bad.

Achmed:
But it's catchy.

Peanut:
Hey, it's Peanut. Walter interviews a rock band

And then gets examined by a Chinese woman. Both sound hilarious.

Pierre:
Bonjour, mon cherie. I love your look. You're so beautiful, so European. Have you heard of soul mates? My soul wants to mate with yours.

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