The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #2

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Pierre:
Hello?

Jeff:
So, Peanut, what is going on with you tonight?

Peanut:
Well, now, that I'm a producer on this show...

Jeff:
Wait, wait, you're a producer on my show?

Peanut:
Ha, no diggity dog. And I was thinking i want to push the envelope with this show. I want to do some cutting-edge stuff. Think outside the trunk.

Jeff:
By doing what?

Peanut:
Well, started by taking some cameras to a retirement home full of old folks.

Jeff:
And what'd you do with 'em?

Peanut:
Well, we took 'em snowboarding.

Jeff:
How did that turn out?

Peanut:
Lawsuits.

Jeff:
Did you just sneeze "lawsuits?"

Peanuts:
No, I coughed... a**hole!

Jeff:
So then what'd you do?

Peanut:
Well, then I mixed a little comedy and a little porn and I called it porn-medy. Yep, we did "Grannies Gone Wild."

Jeff:
That doesn't sound good.

Peanut:
You got that right. You know that thing when you throw up in your mouth just a little bit?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Peanut:
I threw up a lot.

Jeff:
Any other ones that didn't work out?

Peanut:
We did "Bubba J's literature Corner."

Jeff:
How'd that work out?

Peanut:
Well, they spent three hours reading the back of a beer can.

Jeff:
Did you do anything that worked?

Peanut:
Well, I put Walter in a very uncomfortable situation.

Jeff:
That sounds good.

Peanut:
Oh, yeah.

Announcer:
And now it's time for Walter's Awkward Interview With A Rock Band.

Walter:
My guest tonight are members of the band Good Charlotte, Benji and Joel Madden. Never heard of them, but, uh, good to see you guys.

"Good to see you."

"Glad to be here."

Walter:
Oh, thanks a lot. So, I love John Madden. So, is he embarrassed by you or do you go on the bus?

"Our father's name is John, too, it's not John Madden the football..."

Walter:
Well, there goes about 80% of my questions. I wanted to talk (bleep) football today. When they tell me you're an Elmo band.

"I think you're looking for the word "Emo."

Walter:
Emo?

"Yeah."

Walter:
What's Emo?

"Emotional rock."

Walter:
Emotional rock?

"Yeah, you know you're emotional, You're crying while you're playing the guitar."

"No one understands me. I wear all black."

"Why?"

"Why?"

Walter:
So, uh, do you think I'm Emo? I kinda hate life and i want to kill myself.

"You're definitely Emo for sure.

"You're definitely a little bit of a brooder."

"Let me ask you something. We're all guys here. When you get to be your age, you still want to bone?"

Walter:
With my wife?

"With your wife."

Walter:
No. It's kinda like making love to a walrus. All you do is hang on to the tusks and whoo-hoo! So, I suppose you guys want me to listen to some of your music.

"We're actually making a new record."

"Uh, we're working on-- called Cardiology."

Walter:
So, do you guys do anything other than, uh, play rock and roll music?

"Uh, we have a, uh, clothing line."

Walter:
Oh, wait a minute. You're guys. Why are you selling clothes? Six of the desperate housewives have clothing lines.

"It's a little different than that I think."

"Um, we're. It's more of a, of a, kind of, uh..

"Skateboarding..."

"Street wear."

"Motor cross, street wear kind of..."

Walter:
I have no idea what the (bleep) you're talking about. Do you have a sweater vest with a skull on it?

"Uh... no."

"No, but we have these bandanas here.

"Bandanas."

Walter:
Be a nice diaper for my wife.

"You could go with a hoodie for you.

Walter:
What the...? A hoodie?

"Yeah."

Walter:
Like a street hood? Like a black guy? Do groupies follow you around Showing you their ta-tas?

"Ta-tas is one word you could use I guess."

Walter:
Gazongas. Balloons. Fun bags. Twinebagos.

Milk makers. Upper balconies. Sweater meters. Sweater meat. Lung mittens. Fun pillows. Honkers. My humps, my humps, My lovely lady lumps. You know, tits. What's wrong with you guys?

"Don't old people most of them wake up at like 6:00 in the morning for no reason?"

Walter:
It's not no reason you have to pee.

"Also we have the, um, the brass knuckles chain."

Walter:
Reminds me of all the ass I kicked in 'Nam. How much?

"Uh, these are $90."

Walter:
Holy crap.

"Silver."

Walter:
Is there a senior citizen's discount?

"We could-- we could work something out."

"We could definitely work something out with you."

Walter:
That'd be very nice. Can you toss in that do-rag?

I'm feeling rock and roll right now. I want to thank the Maddens for talking to me today. We taught each other a lot. They taught me that hoodies aren't just black people,

And that groupies' ta-tas are pretty cool. How hip am I now, producers? Seacrest out.

Announcer:
That was Walter's Awkward Interview With A Rock Band.

Jeff:
Well, Peanut, I think that actually went pretty well.

Peanut:
Yeah, they bonded.

Jeff:
They did?

Peanut:
Sure. After the interview they all got tattoos together and the prank called the Jonas Brothers.

Jeff:
So, you have any more rock events lined up?

Peanut:
Oh, yes. Walter's going on tour with Amy Winehouse, Bobby Brown and Courtney Love.

Jeff:
What's the name of the tour?

Peanut:
Crackapalooza.

Walter:
Walter here. Coming up next: I have to see a woman doctor. I know. I didn't know they existed either.

Jeff:
So, Bubba J, how's everything?

Bubba J Well, I just got back from the A.A. meeting.

Jeff:
An A.A. meeting. So, you're-you're in recovery.

Bubba J:
No. I just go for all the great drinking stories.

Jeff:
Really?

Bubba J:
Yeah. Not all of them are funny, though. Some are sad and tragic. Those are the funniest. One man's pain is an other man's L-O-L.

Jeff:
Bubba J, you know, people go to A.A. to try and get sober.

Bubba J:
Boring! One guy had to leave the meeting and get his stomach pumped.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
Wait. That was me. And you know who else I saw at the hospital?

Jeff:
Who?

Bubba J:
Walter.

Jeff:
Oh, yeah.

"Good afternoon, Walter. My name is Dr. Hsu."

Walter:
You're a woman?

"I am, actually."

Walter:
And you're a doctor?

"I am."

Walter:
Dr. Hus... suh... Sue... Hasue... H... Has... H-S-U?

"You could pretend like the H is silent Just drop the H, and then it's like Dr. Sue."

Walter:
Just drop it when you spell it then. Okay, so there's, like, three letters, And they're all consonants.

"Well, U's actually a vowel."

Walter:
Whatever.

"Okay. So, I have a couple of questions that I have to ask you before we get started, okay?"

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