The Jeff Dunham Show Page #3

Season #1 Episode #2

---

Walter:
Okay

"All right. So, what is your first name?"

Walter:
Walter.

"Middle initial?"

Walter:
I...

"Last name?"

Walter:
...am uncomfortable that you're a woman. So, you're-you're, like, a woman and kind of Asian?

"I am Asian."

Walter:
I did nine months in one of your P.O.W. camps.

"Well, I'm Chinese. I don't think we had any P.O.W. camps."

Walter:
What do you feel? You come here, you come to the United States, And every single thing you touch is made where you came from.

"I was actually born in New York."

Walter:
Oh. So, give me your professional opinion, Doc.

Who's worse? Women doctors, or women?

"I'm going to decline to answer that, cause that's really off point. Um, so, is there an emergency contact that we can call if something bad were to happen to you?"

Walter:
Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris?"

Walter:
Well, who else can I call? Dunham? That guy puts the milk in milk toast.

"Okay. Yeah. Are you married, Walter?"

Walter:
Unhappily.

"Okay. And have you ever had any rashes?

Walter:
Yes.

"Psoriasis?"

Walter:
Yes.

"Eczema?"

Walter:
Yes.

"Hives?"

Walter:
Yes.

"Acne?"

Walter:
Yes.

"Boils?"

Walter:
Yes.

"Phlebitis?"

Walter:
Anything with an itis, just put down frickin' yes.

"Okay. So how many sexual partners have you had in the last year?"

Walter:
Counting my wife? That'd be none.

"So, look, we're done with the questions. That wasn't so bad. Now, all I need you to do is take off your clothes, change into the gown, And then I'll be back for the physical."

Walter:
Wait. What? Take off my clothes?

"You'll-You'll put on the gown, though. I'm gonna give you a couple minutes, and I'll be back."

(Jeff suddenly comes in)

Walter:
What the hell are you doing here?

Jeff:
I thought this was the bathroom.

Walter:
Stop staring at me!

Jeff:
I can't look away. It's like a car wreck.

Walter:
Get the hell out!

Jeff:
Is that a Brazilian wax?

Walter:
Get out, you pervert!

Jeff:
Where is the bathroom?

Walter:
Get out!

Jeff:
You're pretty quiet.

Walter:
What happened in there we will never talk about with anyone.

Jeff:
Absolutely. I won't tell a soul.

Walter:
Aw, hell. Hello?

Bubba J:
Knock-Knock.

Walter:
Ugh! Who's there?

Bubba J:
I heard.

Walter:
I heard who?

Bubba J:
I heard you have a tiny little wiener.

Walter:
Hey, you a**hole. Damn it! Stupid!

Walter:
That is not funny. It was cold as hell in there. I got Bubba J back for that joke, though.

Jeff:
What did you do?

Walter:
Well, I had his house towed.

Announcer:
And now... Achmed the dead terrorist mistakes members of a religious group for a fruit drink.

"After this, you're gonna have a snack. Good juice and all that, then we play again.

Achmed:
Jews? You have Jews here?

"Juice."

Achmed:
Oh, juice. I'm sorry. I was really thrown off there. I thought you said you had Jews. Okay. Sorry.

Announcer:
This has been Achmed the dead terrorist mistakes members of a religious group for a fruit drink.

Jeff:
That's our show. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next time. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes