The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #5

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"I'm just gonna need you to do the one, Achmed."

Achmed:
No. I don't have to. Sanjaya? Sanjaya, get in here, and we'll write some new ringtones together.

"You lost all your material, or what?"

Achmed:
I didn't lose any material, I just don't have any. It's just, you know, "I kill you, I kill you, I kill you" I'm sick of that crap.

"Why don't you just yell, "Camel ****"?"

Achmed:
On the phone?! So your phone rings, and it goes: "Camel ****"? Okay, why not? Not bad.

"Okay, Achmed, you want to go through this list of ringtones that yourself and Tony came up with?"

Achmed:
Okey-doke, here we go. Hey, terrorize it up, a**hole!

"Good, I like that. It was great."

Achmed:
Thanks a lot. I need Vitamin Water, please?

"Tony, will you get him a water, please?"

Achmed:
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, infidel? Is that a missile in your pants, or do you have a phone call? I'm surprised you don't have it on vibrate, virgin.

"That was great."

Achmed:
Tony, get a Vitamin Water for me.

Achmed:
I'm waiting.

"I still need you to do the "Silence, I kill you" ringtone."

Achmed:
Son of a b*tch! All right, fine. Let's just get this over with. Silence! I kill you!

"There it is."

Achmed:
Who do I have to **** to get a Vitamin Water? You know, I did none of these facing the east. I hope that doesn't matter. Okay, whatever.

Achmed (on phone): Who do I have to **** to get a Vitamin Water? (Repeats 3x)

Walter:
Walter here. In the next thing, I get my wife a stupid present, and then that drunk redneck tries to fix someone's house. Whoever hired him is a dumbass.

Walter:
Whatever.

Jeff:
Well, Walter, how is everything going for you?

Walter:
My anniversary is coming up.

Jeff:
Really?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What'd you get her?

Walter:
Well, she wanted some new diamond earrings.

Jeff:
Yeah?

Walter:
So I gave her a vacation.

Walter:
It's my, uh, wedding anniversary today. I couldn't find anything nice to buy her at the pharmacy, and this place was on the way back to my car.

"Where would you like to take your wife on vacation?"

Walter:
Somewhere cheap, preferably by bus, but nothing as ritzy as a Greyhound. And at any given moment, i got to be within driving distance of a Red Lobster.

"Walter, what does your wife like to do?"

Walter:
From what I can tell, she likes to shop, nag, and wear perfume that smells like zoo dirt.

"Ooh. Okay."

Walter:
Zoo dirt.

"Have you ever been out of the country?"

Walter:
My wife's dragged me all over. Name a shade of skin, and I've been ripped off by it, you know what I mean?

"Well, uh, no. What would you like to do on your vacation?

Walter:
Sit on my couch, and then yell "Incoming!" and pass gas.

"How about a cruise?"

Walter:
A week on the S.S Swine Flu? No, thanks.

"How about India?"

Walter:
Are you ******* kidding me? I want a vacation, not technical support.

"Yeah, well..."

Walter:
Where else?

"France."

Walter:
I've always wanted to go a country full of chain-smoking child molesters with B.O. Fantastic!

"How about Mexico?"

Walter:
Any parts of Mexico where there aren't so many Mexicans? All right, what else?

"All right, how about Tahiti?"

Walter:
Nude beaches. We'll give that one a "maybe." Is it romantic?

"Yes, it is."

Walter:
Pass.

"Walter, let me take you to Rome."

Walter:
All the penis statues you could ever want in one crappy, foot-shaped country.

"Walter, here's a video tour of Egypt."

Walter:
The pyramids, a testament to civil engineering and slavery. Forget it.

"After everything we've discussed, I think that China would be the appropriate place for you to go with your wife."

Walter:
Holy crap! China? There's nothing I like about stinkin' China.

"Have you ever had Chinese food?"

Walter:
Oh, no, never tried it.

"I think i have an idea."

"I have his order please?"

"I'll see you after lunch."

"We got, uh, chicken chow mein here. Pork with snow peas."

Walter:
Okay, so which one of these has dog in it?

Walter:
This is going to be fantastic. It's going to be like I'm having a communist party in my mouth. So, Wing, what are those right there in that little green bag?

"Oh, this is a Chinese fortune cookie."

Walter:
It says, uh, "You just ate a basset hound." What?!

Walter:
Let's see another one. "Pay and get out, Round Eye." I'll be darned. You know what, Wing, this has been great. I love the food, I love you. I'm gonna get Patty to book that vacation to China.

Walter:
Well, happy anniversary to me, sweetie pie. Enjoy your ten days in freakin' Hong Kong. Hey, let me ask you this, Wing: What's easier to cook, street cat or domestic?

Jeff:
Let me get this straight. So she went on the trip by herself?

Walter:
I'm a frickin' genius, I'm tellin' you.

Jeff:
Did she like China?

Walter:
Oh, she loved it.

Jeff:
Oh, all right. Well, what are you going to get

her for your next anniversary?

Walter:
A ticket home.

Announcer:
And now... Achmed The Dead Terrorist, hits on a MILF.

Achmed:
Friday night maybe? The two of us? You know, hot wings on the town? A little disco?

"I'm a little busy."

Achmed:
Let me talk to your father. We could bargain a little bit.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but he's passed away."

Achmed:
Oh, awkward. Sorry. Um... uncle?

Announcer:
This has... Achmed The Dead Terrorist, hits on a MILF.

Announcer:
And now... Achmed The Dead Terrorist, hits on a MILF. Again.

Achmed:
I like the crown on your... shirt.

"Well, thank you."

Achmed:
It draws my eyes.

Jeff:
Achmed.

Achmed:
Well, like you're not looking.

Announcer:
This has been Achmed The Dead Terrorist, hits on a MILF. Again.

Jeff:
Hi, Bubba J.

Bubba J:
Hi.

Jeff:
So Bubba J, you want to tell everyone what you're excited about? Okay. Jeff said I could have my own part of the show, so I thought I'd do a top-ten list, like my hero David Letterman's.

Jeff:
That's good.

Bubba J:
Number ten: Shirt.

Jeff:
Wait, Bubba J, what's the topic?

Bubba J:
Number eight: Softens your hands while you do the dishes.

Jeff:
Bubba J...

Bubba J:
Number seven: subtraction. Number seven: Lucky charms, they're magically delicious.

Jeff:
Bubba J, you did number seven twice.

Bubba J:
I like them the same. That was a tie. Number six: I couldn't think of anything for number six.

Jeff:
You could have used the other number seven.

Bubba J:
Number three: a dangling participle.

Jeff:
What...?

Bubba J:
I don't know what that is either,

but it sounds nice and dirty. Kind of like, "Will you dangle

your participle for me..." "...Mom?"

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