The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #6

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Achmed:
Greetings, infidels! And now make a big loud noise for Jeff Dunham!

Jeff:
Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Well, thank you and thanks to all of you, especially the applause-sign guy. Thanks, wherever he is. What a great audience. Wow. Whatever they gave you guys before you came in, it's certainly working. I really feel the love in this room. It's a shame I'm about to offend every single one of you. But I'm very happy to be here tonight. I know there's another guy who's happy to be anywhere. Please help me welcome my old buddy Peanut.

Peanut:
What? What are you looking at?

Jeff:
What's with the tie?

Peanut:
Oh, dude, this is a very special evening.

Jeff:
Why?

Peanut:
We're revealing The Jeff Dunham Show dancers.

Jeff:
Yeah, Peanut convinced me that our show needed dancers.

Peanut:
Yes.

Jeff:
So we actually went to a dance studio.

Peanut:
Yep.

Jeff:
We auditioned folks,

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jeff:
And I still don't know why we need dancers.

Peanut:
Dude, it's a comedy-variety show.

Jeff:
Yeah?

Peanut:
We need variety. And a little comedy wouldn't hurt either. You got served! You got served! I mean, besides, every great show has dancing.

Jeff:
What do you mean?

Peanut:
You know, like Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, jack-ass.

Jeff:
Jack-ass never had dancing.

Peanut:
Oh, no, I was just calling you a jack-ass.

Jeff:
Just show the auditions.

Jeff:
Hey, how's it going?

"I'm doing good."

Jeff:
Peanut, this is Brim. This is Peanut.

"What's up, Peanut?"

Peanut:
Oh, good to see you, Brim. So listen, I want dancers that are three-quarters black Michael Jackson and one-quarter white Michael Jackson. Can we do that?

"I believe we can accommodate you on that."

Peanut:
We're gonna be like, like judges, right?

"Exactly."

Peanut:
I'm gonna be Simon.

"Okay."

Peanut:
And Brim, you can be, you know, Randy Jackson since you're... you know.

"Yeah."

Peanut:
And you're gonna be the emotionally unstable chick, Paula. Yeah, trust me, it's good. Really. You don't have to do much to get there.

Peanut:
Uh, uh, hello, I am Peanut and I am the creator of The Jeff Dunham Showdancers. Now I want to see so much hip-hop, I'll feel like I'm back in Compton! Let's do this!

(Dance)

Peanut:
Stop, stop. Cut the music. All right, all right, thank you. Excuse me, #31576, could you step forward, please? So, I almost let you go. Do you know why I didn't?

"Cause my body roll."

Peanut:
Well, actually, it's because I need a decaf latte. Could you go get that for me, please? Oh, I'm just kidding. I need a cappuccino and a bear claw.

"Bear claw."

"All right, Peanut, so this is the part that we bring 'em in one by one, and it gives you a chance to kinda see what they're all about.

Peanut:
Good.

"Can we bring in number one?"

Peanut:
Bring it. Bring it. Bring it! Don't bring it. Take it away. Now give it. Now let somebody else have it. You're a swan. A swan. You're a muskrat. You're an eagle. Now a penguin. Can you do The Robot? Okay, now talk like a robot.

"I am a dancing machine robot."

Peanut:
This guy's good. How are you?

Jeff:
I don't understand any of this.

Peanut:
Good.

"Nice, nice. Good job. Good job. Oh, yeah."

Peanut:
Could you get me another coffee?

Peanut:
Next!

"Hey."

Peanut:
Oh hello.

"Hello."

Peanut:
Uh, what was your name?

"Emily."

Peanut:
Emily. And where are you from?

"Sweden."

Peanut:
Sweden! Okay, everybody out!

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
Out! Out! Except you.

Peanut:
I'm not gonna say you won, but uh... you have a pretty good shot. More wine?

I'm making this song up as I go along. No big deal.

I call it "Emily." I don't even know if you can dance. But who cares? I can't either.

Peanut:
I honestly wish you could all be Jeff Dunham dancers, but, uh, we can only afford, you know, three.

Jeff:
And Peanut, you've made your decision?

Peanut:
Yes, I have. Loquette, please step forward. Jenny, step forward. Can you please hug each other now? Okay. Oh, I'll have that in my head for a while. Okay, thank you. You can step back now.

Jeff:
Peanut, what are you doing? Can we please get to the winners?

Peanut:
Yes, and the winners are...

Peanut:
Please welcome The Jeff Dunham Show Dancers! Jenny! My girlfriend Emily! And last but not least, Joey!

I love this. The chubby guy in the middle makes you realize how hot the hot chicks are. I'm a freakin' genius!

Walter:
One word, buddy: Man bra.

Walter:
Walter here. Coming up next, I try to break up some relationships, we brilliantly give the terrorist a rifle, and the hillbilly shows us why beer kills brain cells.

Peanut:
Your tongue is the best dancer of all.

Jeff:
Well, it's nice to see two kids in love.

Walter:
Or whatever that was.

Jeff:
So, Walt...

Walter:
That was really disturbing.

Jeff:
I know. Listen...

Walter:
I-I don't think I can go on.

Jeff:
You...

Walter:
I'm gonna puke right now. I'm telling ya. That was sick! She was tonguing that little purple thing. Oh, she was French. That explains it.

Jeff:
No, she... she was from Sweden.

Walter:
Eh, big frickin' difference.

Jeff:
So, Walter, you've been married for 50 years. W-What's your secret?

Walter:
I don't know. You know, like, the little things.

Jeff:
Really?

Walter:
Yeah, like, I'm a gentleman.

Jeff:
That's good.

Walter:
I always open the door for her.

Jeff:
Good.

Walter:
Yeah. And as soon as she walks outside, I lock it behind her.

Jeff:
Just the fact that you've been married for- I'm sorry,

I spit all over myself here. Sorry.

Walter:
Cut. That was worse than watching that frickin' kiss. At least theirs was fake. You actually got spit on me a**hole.

Jeff:
All right! Look, Walter, the fact that you've been married for 50 years means you've been doing something right.

Walter:
Hell, I've had back hair for 50 years. Do I get a medal for that, too?

Jeff:
I know you're joking. Otherwise, we wouldn't have given you your own relationship advice segment.

Walter:
Well, you know how much I love helping folks out.

* It's Walter's Relationship Advice. *

Walter:
I hate this already.

Walter:
So, what's your frickin' problem?

"Well, my big problem is she gets paid on Tuesdays. She'll, uh, go to the casino and play bingo. And her paycheck is always gone by Thursday."

Walter:
Wow, a 21-year-old hot chick who isn't responsible with money? Derek, you found yourself a unicorn.

"The thing that's bothering me most right now is just, every time I get off work, he's playing Xbox. So I'm basically stuck sitting around twiddling my thumbs."

Walter:
Derek, have you played that new game, Stop Wasting Your Life and Bone Your Hot Girlfriend?

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