The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #6

---

"I haven't tried that one yet."

Walter:
It's PlayStation.

"Oh. Well, that's why i have the Xbox, so..."

Walter:
Right, yeah. It's unfortunate. Next!

Walter:
Holy crap. So, what's your frickin' problem? Besides the obvious.

"Uh, for one, it's jealousy. Jaw drops over every guy that he sees."

"No, no. See, he's wrong. He likes to, uh, have arguments with me and break up and then run to his exes."

Walter:
Well, ladies, I think I have a solution to make all your problems disappear. Stop being really, really, really, gay.

Walter:
Uh, hello, everyone.

"Hi Walter."

"Hey, Walter."

Walter:
And the little one is?

"Royal."

Walter:
Royal. Hi, Royal. Oh, she is so cute. Hey, little baby.

* That was Walter's Relationship Advice. *

Walter:
Holy crap.

Achmed:
Coming up, I try to take down America by joining the Marines. Oo-rah! Then Bubba J talks to an Irishman, and between the two of them, you can't understand a stinking word.

Jeff:
All right. Well, we're back.

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels!

Jeff:
How are you, Achmed?

Achmed:
I'm not great. Can you explain why?

Jeff:
Well, Achmed almost got arrested again...

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff:
Trying to blow up a store.

Achmed:
It's not my fault. There was a sign outside that said everything must go. They didn't say how.

Jeff:
Well, Achmed, if you're trying to become a U.S. citizen, you can't do stuff like that.

Achmed:
You Americans with your laws and your respect for women. You're so silly.

Jeff:
But Achmed, did you ever get your citizenship?

Achmed:
Oh, interesting story.

"Johnny, commence roll call!

"Aye, aye, Sergeant Major."

"Private Roberts report as ordered."

"Private Nijani report as ordered."

Achmed:
Private Achmed reported for killing.

"How did this disgusting thing get in my formation? Do it like the others did it! Do you understand that?"

Achmed:
I peed in my pants a little.

"How many times are we gonna have to go over this?"

Achmed:
Four.

"Hey, Gunny, I got him. Where are you from?"

Achmed:
Oklahoma.

"Oklahoma?"

Achmed:
Okay, Kansas.

"What are you doing with a name like Achmed, from Oklahoma or Kansas? Where are you from?"

Achmed:
It was the desert part of Oklahoma.

"Drop and give me 50!"

Achmed:
50? $50?

"50 pushups! That's on your face, up and down, up and down."

Achmed:
That's what she said.

"Come on!"

"Come on! You can do it. Let's go!"

Achmed:
Wow, I have really let myself go.

"Stop your crying!"

Achmed:
I am not crying. I am whining. Totally different.

"Keep your eyeballs on the deck!"

Achmed:
This might not be the best time to ask, but when do I get the shiny sword and the pretty white gloves?

"Your next bit of instruction will be on the M-4 service rifle. It shoots anywhere from 700 to 950 rounds..."

Achmed:
No wonder the infidels are beating the terrorists. Your weapons make ours look like slingshots, especially our slingshots.

"Commence firing when your target appears."

Achmed:
Okay.

Achmed:
Can we have a do-over?

Achmed:
So, um, what is this exactly that we are eating?

"It's meals ready to eat."

Achmed:
I got to tell you. I'll be honest. They have better food than this in the Taliban. I'm not kidding. Do any of you, um, have a tough time with, uh, pushups?

"No, no."

"No."

"Oh, I do."

Achmed:
Oh, even the girl can do pushups. This is embarrassing."

"Let's go. You heard the Sergeant Major."

"Aye, aye, sir."

"Let's go. Grab your stuff and get out of here."

Achmed:
Where am I going?

"Let's go."

Achmed:
What happened? Is there a war?

"Well, that includes you, too, Private Achmed."

Achmed:
I haven't had my dessert.

"You're done eating. Grab your gear, put your boots on your feet, and get over there with the rest of the Marines."

Achmed:
Okay. I always take a nap after lunch. And-And sometimes I have a blanket. Want to join me?

Achmed:
Son of a female goat, I am so weak!

"Eyes straight to the front. Just keep pushing!"

Achmed:
How many was that?

"Zero!"

Achmed:
Is that in Marine numbers?

"Next thing we're gonna cover is throwing the M-67 fragmentation grenade."

Achmed:
So, Coach, you actually throw the explosive?

"Yes, you're gonna throw the grenade."

Achmed:
You don't duct-tape it to yourself and run into a crowd of people and then it goes...

"No. You're actually going to release the grenade and throw it as far as you can.

Achmed:
Well, I guess that makes more sense. Wait till the guys back home hear about this.

Achmed:
Hoorah!

Achmed:
Son of a b*tch, my arm!

"Stop! Stop!"

"Achmed!"

Achmed:
I found it!

"Achmed, watch out!"

Achmed:
Huh?

(Boom!)

Achmed:
Damn it.

"Hey, Achmed, what's going on? What's the matter?"

Achmed:
I suck at being a Marine. It is so much harder than being a terrorist. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm the worst recruit here.

"You have to have some confidence. Have confidence. You can do it."

Achmed:
You are very wise. Are you sure you're not a man?

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Achmed:
You are like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane. You inspire me while you turn me on. Let's do this!

"Come on!"

Achmed:
I can do it!

Achmed:
I did it! The few, the proud, the Achmed! Uh-oh! I guess this means I can't be a Marine.

Achmed:
I just want to say I love you all and not in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" way. And thank you for your help, Private Moreno.

"Oo-rah!

Achmed:
Yes, Oprah. Well, I was hoping to become a U.S. Citizen, but no big deal. I can always get back in through Mexico and...

"Who the hell's driving that damn thing?"

Walter:
I killed you, dumbass!

Achmed:
It's not funny!

Jeff:
Achmed, it looks like you learned a lot that day.

Achmed:
Yes, I guess so. I learned your military has insanely high standards.

Jeff:
Like what?

Achmed:
Like being able to do more than one push-up a day. Uh, not doing combat in open-toed shoes.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Achmed:
I also learned not to give a good-bye speech in the middle of the road because Walter is one of those dangerous, old drivers.

Jeff:
Achmed?

Achmed:
I'm sorry. I meant he's an a**hole driver. Yes, I said a**hole. A**hole. Read my teeth.

Jeff:
How you doing, Bubba J?

Bubba J:
Oh, I'm pretty sad.

Jeff:
You are?

Bubba J:
Yeah.

Jeff:
Why?

Bubba J:
Someone drank all my beer last night.

Jeff:
I'm sorry to hear it.

Bubba J:
Yeah. And then while I was sleeping, someone wet my pants.

Jeff:
Bubba J, are you sure that wasn't you?

Bubba J:
You're a genius! I wish I'd have thought of that before I dialed 119.

Jeff:
You mean 911.

Bubba J:
Oh, no wonder the paramedic wanted phone sex.

Jeff:
Bubba J, have you ever had phone sex?

Bubba J:
Uh, yeah, once. I got my weiner caught in the cord.

Jeff:
Well, maybe... Maybe you should've, uh, used your cell phone.

Bubba J:
Oh, I don't have a cell phone.

Jeff:
Then how are you gonna use those ringtones you recorded last week?

Bubba J:
I did what?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes