The Kid & I Page #4

I'll call him at work.

Oh no-no! Don't, don't, don't,

don't bother your dad.

No, no, no, never,

never, never bother him.

He's busy and, uh... scary...

I want her. My friends

at school will be so jealous.

I'll be jealous.

You can have a girlfriend, too.

Oh yeah? You got anybody in mind?

Yeah. Rosie O'Donnell. She's cool.

Yeah, yeah,

Rosie O'Donnell is cool.

But, uh, uh,

so is Gwyneth Paltrow, or J Lo,

or, or Jennifer Anniston...

or anybody here

in Maxim magazine'd be really cool.

How come you get all the hot babes?

Because it's my movie.

You're learnin' fast, my friend.

But I never do hot tub scenes.

The hot tub scene

is just for me and my girl.

Who's... that foxy lady over there?

That's my mom. She's a nurse.

I'd love to meet her.

Oh, you will. At my birthday party.

My mom used

to be married to my dad.

Did Susan used to be your wife?

Right. A long time ago.

Who would you rather kiss

Susan or Rosie O'Donnell?

Oh that's easy.

I mean Susan's okay,

but Rosie O'Donnell is so hot!

If I ever got my hands on

that nice butt of hers...

I mean watch out!

Oh... boy.

So, you're on

the basketball team, huh?

I wanna play but they made me

the equipment manager.

Why?

Because I have cerebral palsy.

Well that's not fair.

I know it's not,

but life is not fair, Bill.

Plus, it's not about getting

everything you want in life.

So, they made me

the equipment manager.

Well that's good 'cause,

you know, they couldn't even play

the games without equipment so,

technically you're the most

important person on the team.

Nice try, Bill.

I thought so.

Hide.

What?

Hide!

Hide?

Hide!

Hi, honey. I miss you.

I... miss you too, Mom.

What's going on with your movie?

It's fun.

Hey... you never sent me that script.

We just got it done.

I can't wait to read it.

There's no bad language is there?

No way, Mom.

How's that guy... Bill?

He's nice.

He better be. But be careful.

I don't trust those Hollywood types.

I will, Mom.

Hi Aaron!

We'll be out soon!

Hi Marla! Hi Melissa!

We're makin' a great movie.

Bye.

Thanks for stickin' up for me, man.

That's okay.

I've had to do that a lot lately.

The story takes place in New York,

Washington D.C.,

Moscow, Beijing... then Beverly Hills.

So we'll probably shoot most of

it on a sound stage in Vancouver.

We are on an incredibly

accelerated schedule.

We have to have Aaron's movie...

finished, edited, in the can

and on the screen by August 31st.

August 31st of next year.

No, that would

be August 31st this year.

That's three months away.

Well, we're just gonna have

to do our best.

How wide of

a release are we goin' for?

Very limited.

So we'll open on how many screens?

Just one.

The one at Aaron Roman's

eighteenth birthday party.

I don't get it.

How could you not get it?

I told you. We're making

this movie for the kid.

Just for the kid.

Just for the kid, Bunny.

And the money.

I see this thing openin' in like

thirty-five hundred theaters.

With Susan producing...

you know it's gonna be huge.

So I have written some emotional

stuff for myself,

to show my acting chops.

Right on.

And I've written some for Aaron, too.

Aaron, can you cry?

Sometimes.

When someone is mean to me.

Like those neighborhood kids.

Yeah. One of them called me retarded.

One of them called me retarded.

It's not very nice and it's not true.

What's his name again?

Lester.

His name is Lester

and he's makin' fun of you?

Yeah.

That's funny.

You know what we're gonna do?

I'm gonna write a character in

the movie named Lester Loser...

and we're gonna

kick Lester Loser's big fat butt.

Yeah! We'll kick

Lester Loser's big fat butt!

Yeah!

I'll get it. I'll pick that up later.

Now boys,

I've got some bad news for ya.

The, uh, owner of the Shitzu

you wanted is demanding ten grand...

so I went to the pound

and got this one instead. He's a Maltese.

But we'll still say it's a Shitzu.

Nobody'll ever notice the difference,

plus Shitzu is a lot funnier word.

Get it - sh*t-zu?

And secondly and sadly,

because of scheduling conflicts neither

of your chosen love interests

Rosie O'Donnell

or Arielle Kebbel-are available.

Darn.

Don't worry though.

We've got lots of other beautiful

actresses coming in tomorrow.

Now Susan, this is the casting session

for my girlfriend, am I right?

No, Bill. Yours are coming in later.

These are for Aaron.

Please, Susan.

All these young ladies

are here for you, Bill.

Please, Susan.

You're our girl.

Oh my back!

Aaron there is one more

actress for you to look at...

but I don't know

if you're gonna like her.

Hi, Aaron.

I'm Arielle. Nice to finally meet you

This is a pencil. Use it.

What is your name?

Arielle.

Arielle. Hello. Who represents you?

Oh, my mom.

Bad career move. You need to be

represented by a man outside the family.

Here. Johnny Bernstein.

Just ask Billy.

That's right, Arielle,

I'd be nowhere without Johnny.

Didn't I tell you

you were gonna thank me?

Let me say two words to you.

Cameron Diaz.

You represent her?

No. But I'm hooking

my wagon up to your star.

What?

All right everyone.

Starting tomorrow at six a.m...

your butts are mine.

And for the next thirty days -

24-7-I own all of you.

We have an intense schedule.

I need you to work hard and work fast.

And now, the reason

that we are all here.

The man of the hour.

The star of Two Spies A-Dog!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for being a part of my movie.

When my dad said I can make this movie,

I didn't believe it

and it's really happening.

It's so... unreal.

I'm going to do everything

I can to make this the best movie ever!

If you see me acting

and you ant me to do it better,

just tell me.

After all I'm no Tom Cruise.

I helped him write this part.

All right, now let's kick

some major ass!

Let's get this party started.

Sorry.

Watch it.

Good job.

Hey Susan, this is really nice

what you're doin' for Aaron.

It's nice what you're doing

for him, too.

Well I'm gettin' paid.

We're all getting paid.

I'm trying to enjoy all this

this time around, you know.

I'm even lookin' forward

to the press junket.

That's the best thing about this one.

No press junket.

Really?

So we're gonna do the talk shows

and a big angle down campaign?

You're kidding, right?

Well how do we sell it?

It's sold, Bill.

To who?

We're just making this movie

for Aaron and his family.

They just wanted something

to see at the birthday party.

Only the people

that come to his birthday party

are gonna see my movie?

Our-uh-movie, his movie? That's it?

That's it.

His dad is spendin' all this money

and we're gonna put everything

we got into somethin'

that nobody's ever gonna see?

Aaron'll see it.

Probably hundreds of times.

That's... that's something.

Yeah. That's somethin'.

I would never make a movie like this

if I thought it was

for public consumption.

'Course not.

I don't know what I was thinkin'.

I'm sorry you had to hear this from me.

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