The Kid & I Page #5

Well it's not your fault.

It's my agent's fault.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just a little disappointed.

But that's good.

'Cause it reminds me of how I used

to feel when I was in show business.

Well let's just try

to have some fun, huh?

Yeah. Fun.

I'm feelin' it.

Oh ho, relax. Ancient history.

I only stopped hating him

because he was dead.

This is all so romantic.

Get out. You... need a boyfriend.

What about Guy?

Hey Bill!

Yeah.

Those things'll kill ya.

I hope so.

You seem kinda down, what's goin' on?

Oh, I'm fine.

You know, the kid's great.

Susan is... Susan. She still hates me.

If she hated you

she wouldn't be producing this movie.

I think she's doin'

it just to torture me.

I think you're torturing yourself, Bill.

People do that. They...

they forget about everything they have

and focus on what they don't have.

You know what,

let me show you something.

Whenever I'm feeling sorry

for myself I watch this

and it snaps me right out of it.

I love you, and my mom

and my mom and my dad.

Yea! Yeah!

Yea! Yeah!

All right. All better.

That kid was born to be an actor.

No doubt about it.

Okay. Here goes nothin'.

Settle down.

Quiet now.

Everybody read? Quiet!

Two Spies, Apple 60, Take 1.

Mark!

Action.

Gentlemen.

This is the most important and complex

assignment I've ever given to anyone.

The fate of the free world

is on the line here.

Not to mention my personal happiness.

That's why I've called on you...

A-Dog, because you're

the best America's got.

Thank you, sir.

This is my granddaughter,

and that is here Shitzu - Chloe.

Chloe went missing a week ago.

We'll find her, sir.

I know ya will, numbnuts.

There's also some Intel

in there about some

foreign operatives who positioned

a dirty bomb or something...

and, what else was it?

Oh yeah, there's some bad guys have,

unleashed a, uh, drug war...

But, uh, I think the missing Shitzu

should be our most important mission!

Absolutely, sir.

But I trust you... A-Dog.

You..you screw this up

and you're gonna end up

living in a camper down by the river.

I already do, sir.

My private jet

will take you to the Jersey border.

From there you're on your own.

God speed!

I don't understand why they couldn't...

just drop us off at the airport

like normal people.

Because we're spies!

Let's land on this hotel.

Can't we land on the nice soft grass?

No, this is where we're staying.

Are you sure it's our hotel?

Yes.

You're just trying to hook up

with that hot blonde waitress.

Yeah, she's really cute.

You look great in that suit.

You do thirty-five hundred sit-ups

and fifteen hundred

push-ups a day, it really pays off.

Get ready A-Dog. I see him.

Miss! Miss.

Can I get my cobb salad to go?

Not a problem, stud. I mean, sir.

You got it right the first time,

sweetcakes

I appreciate all your help.

Can I call you sometime?

I was hoping you would ask.

Midnight.

Here's my card. Give me a call.

Okay. They're makin' the handoff.

Let's go!

One's goin' north. One's goin' south.

I don't know which one has the drugs!

Keep your weekend open.

Only if we can make out

in a hot tub like on MTV.

I'm rich! And I can see!

Thanks A-Dog!

Oh there's the dog. Oh.

Oh, if I could have the dog

you can keep the drugs!

Hey! Kid!

I lost him, A-Dog.

Hey! Where are you goin'?

I'm sorry honey.

You can't give me a ticket.

I'm a spy.

Take one step closer

and you'll be in handcuffs.

If I take two will you

slap me around a little?

Yo! Officer!

All right! The drugs. Thanks, A-Dog.

Sure.

What time is it?

I said what time is it?

Tell me what time it is.

You didn't see that?

No. It's your job to tell me what time.

- It was right in front of your eyes.

- You're my assistant!

Just tell me what time it is.

It's part of your job.

Ask me again.

What time is it?

- I saw ya look. I saw ya look.

- It's broken.

Oh yeah, it's been two days like that.

Why are you wearin' it?

It's cool.

Oh, those girls are perfect.

Too perfect. Perfect is bad

I like somebody with

some obvious flaws, you know, like

a big scar or a limp or somethin'.

It's less pressure.

My ex-girlfriend was perfect.

Yeah, except

she was missin' a coupla choppers.

Three fingers from when she tried

to unclog the lawnmower

and forgot to turn it off.

She was a drooler after

the methamphetamine, uh,

stroke, but, uh, other than that,

she was perfect.

She used to be a man, though.

All right, all right.

Hey kid!

Who's your perfect woman?

She'd be nice like my mom,

fun like Shelby, smart like Susan,

and beautiful like Arielle.

But, for right now I'd settle

for anyone who really likes me.

You're a very wise man for your age.

All my friends have girlfriends.

I wouldn't worry. There are

three billion women in the world.

Let's say half of those

are too old or too young.

That's a billion and a half women.

Let's say two thirds

of those are married.

All right.

That's still five hundred million.

Let's say ninety percent

of those are insane.

That still leaves you with

women to choose from.

That's a lotta pressure.

Tell me about it. So relax.

Come on, killer.

Guys, guys...

Come in!

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Have you seen Guy, 'cause he's

supposed to keep this place spotless.

Guy asked me to tell you

that he'll be hangin' out in A-Dog's

He said it's much bigger

and a lot less messy.

Right.

Outtakes.

- Yeah.

- There are plenty of 'em.

Oh, great.

And A-Dog has some new ideas

to add to the script.

Okay.

Don't forget the hot tub scene.

Hot tub.

And he would like

to have two girlfriends.

And he also thought it would be funny

if someone shoved a stick

of dynamite up your butt and lit it.

Okay. I've been a good sport up 'til now

but I'm gonna have to draw the line.

He gets two girlfriends?

So the dynamite's okay?

Well, if somethin' blows up

in his butt first.

The kid's watchin' too many cartoons.

I don't like lookin' stupid.

Did you not make a movie

with Steven Segal?

That's true. Okay.

Listen, two girlfriends was my idea.

I think Aaron is falling

in love with Arielle...

and having more than one option...

might just keep him entertained enough

to get us through this movie.

Smart.

Hey. Maybe you could

talk to him about

the advantages

of having multiple partners.

Action!

Cut! The dog's not in this shot!

Action!

How I do.

The nappers got the dog.

Keep goin' down the alley.

The coast is clear, man.

Now where's that dog?

All right, that's a cut!

Props needs to come in

and measure your butt. Dynamite.

Great.

Hey Susan.

Are you sure it was Aaron's idea

to blow up my butt?

Honestly... no. It was Guy's.

But Aaron loved it. Everyone did.

Hey! Susan.

I got an idea that could make

this work for everybody.

Take three. Mark.

Sorry, honey,

but we don't speak Italian.

If you don't give us fifty million dollars

for the dog and a getaway helicopter,

we are gonna blow

Lester Loser's butt up.

No deal!

Look I've been doin' this twenty years

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