The Kids Are All Right Page #3

for us to see responsiveness

externalized,

like with a...

Like with a penis.

Wouldn't you guys

just rather watch girls

doing it, though?

Well, you would think that.

But usually in these movies,

they hire two straight

women to pretend,

and the inauthenticity

is just unbearable.

Whoa, that's enough.

Laser, your mom

and I sense

that there's some

other stuff going on

in your life.

We just want

to be let in.

What do you mean?

Are you having a relationship

with someone?

You can tell us, honey.

We would understand

and support you.

Look, I only met him once.

What do you mean once?

- Did he find you online?

- Wait.

What?

Wait, wait, who did

you meet once?

Paul. I met him with Joni.

Paul? Who's Paul?

Why was Joni there?

She set it up.

Wait, forget the set-up.

Who's Paul?

Our sperm donor.

Did you guys think

I was gay?

No.

No way.

Of course not.

Yeah, I mean, we understand

that you'd be curious

about your biological father.

I mean,

it's completely natural.

But why didn't you tell us?

Because we knew

you'd be upset.

We're not upset!

No, no, no.

We're not. We wish that

you'd included us in

the conversation.

That's all.

You know? But...

But you met him,

and that's cool.

And now,

we can move on.

Actually,

I want to see him again.

You do?

Yeah, I was

gonna tell you.

Well, no. Okay?

No way.

No one's seeing anyone

until we meet him.

I get it, okay?

He's their biological father

and all that crap.

But it still feels

really shitty.

Like we're not enough

or something, you know?

Of course I know.

You know, I don't...

I don't want to time-share

our kids with anybody.

Especially when

it's Joni's last summer

at home.

No way.

Jesus, Jules!

The plumber was just here.

God, it's gross.

Look, we have to be

smart about this.

You know, if we act like

grubby b*tches, we're just

gonna make it worse.

I know.

Let's just kill him

with kindness

and put it to bed.

I'm with you, honey.

We're gonna get

through this, okay?

I love you, chicken.

I love you, too, pony.

Paul. It's so great

to meet you. H i. Yeah.

Great to meet you, too.

Hey. Jules.

Hello, Jules.

I'm Nic.

Hi, Nic.

Hi.

I hope the traffic

wasn't too bad.

No, I took my motorcycle,

so I pretty much just

weave through it.

Oh, great.

I brought you this.

I don't know if

you folks drink wine.

Oh, no, are you kidding?

We love it.

Wow, a Petite Sirah.

What a treat!

'86.

Yeah. I'll get

some glasses.

All right.

Yeah. Wow.

Beautiful house.

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

You guys been here

a long time?

Yeah. You know,

about 10 years.

God, has it been

that long? I mean...

That's... Yeah.

You know them, yeah.

Hey, Joni.

How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good.

Hey, man.

Hey.

What's up, man?

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Go easy on the wine, hon.

It's daytime.

Okay. Same goes

for the micromanaging.

Okay?

So, Paul, did you

always know that...

Yes.

...that you wanted to be

in the food services industry?

I always liked food.

Oh, yeah.

No, I was asking

because I remember when

I was reading your file,

back when we were

looking for,

you know, sperm...

Can I have the potato

salad, babe?

Sure.

Anyway, you said

that you were studying

international relations.

Oh, yeah. Wow, that was a...

That was a long time ago.

Yeah, I was considering it,

but then I dropped out

of school.

You dropped

out of college?

Yeah, it just

wasn't my thing.

- No? Why's that?

- I don't know.

It just seemed like

a massive waste of money

after a while, you know?

I was just sitting

on my ass listening

to people spout ideas

I could just as easily

have learned in a book.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm not saying that,

you know,

I think that higher learning

uniformly blows.

You know, I think

college is great

for some people.

Joni, I'm sure

you're gonna love it.

But just... I'm a doer.

That's how I learn.

It's just me.

I'm weird that way, I guess.

Thank you.

Which is probably why

I'm in the food services

industry.

Right.

Hey, Mom,

you see what he did

there, right?

You said "food

services industry,"

so then he said

"food services industry."

Yeah. I got that,

Laser. Thanks.

So, Paul,

what about your...

What about

your social life?

My social life?

Yeah, you know,

are you married, divorced,

seeing anyone?

- Mom.

- What?

We're getting

to know Paul.

It's okay.

No, no, it's okay. I...

No, I've never been

married nor divorced.

I date sometimes,

but I'm really just

kind of focused on my

restaurant right now.

- Well, that's...

- Yeah. Makes sense.

So, cheers.

Yeah. Cheers.

Excellent wine,

by the way.

Thank you.

How old are you again?

You must be the

griller of the family.

Yeah.

No, that's okay.

I like

to be positive.

Yeah.

So how'd you two meet?

We met at UCLA.

I was a resident,

and Jules had

an emergency.

My tongue was numb.

Really? Your tongue?

Laser.

Oh, my God.

It's not nice.

No, that's not nice.

I mean, we've heard

that story 100, 000 times.

What happened

to your tongue?

I don't know.

I mean, I lost all

the feeling in my face

and my tongue.

And then, you know, I got

really nervous 'cause

I thought that I was gonna gag

and, you know,

maybe like...

Choke? Die?

Yeah, exactly.

What'd you do to help her?

I gave her a Valium,

and I told her to relax

and tried to get her to talk,

you know,

move her tongue around.

Yeah.

Actually,

she started teasing me,

and that really helped.

I was trying

to distract you.

I know. It worked.

You were really funny.

You were really pretty.

And then, you know,

my tongue started

working again.

- Sure.

- God, Mom, please.

Yeah.

Wow, we've been glued

at the hip ever since.

- Yeah.

- No doubt.

Yeah. Great. Great story.

Yeah, we like it.

So, N ic, you,

you're a doctor,

I know that.

But what are

you into, Jules?

What do you do?

Well, you know,

I mean, I studied

architecture in college.

Right.

But I'm not

really an architect.

I mean, I was on my way

to becoming one,

but I quit before

the kids were born.

That happens.

And then when they got

a little bit older,

I started

a Balinese furniture

import business.

Right on.

But that didn't

really work out.

Yeah,

businesses aren't easy.

Yeah.

But I'm in the process

of starting a new business.

Great, good for you.

What's that?

Landscape design.

I mean, you know,

not gardening.

I mean, you know,

there's a gardening

component,

but, really, the real work

is in creating unique,

eco-friendly spaces

that, you know,

the surrounding,

that blend, you know,

with the surrounding

environment.

You know what I mean?

Definitely.

Most definitely.

Yeah.

Hey, Joni, did you

tell Paul about your

graduation speech?

No, she didn't tell me.

It was so full of

wisdom and hope.

Yeah.

Hey, go get it.

You know, I bet Paul

would like to hear it.

No, Mom,

I'm sure he wouldn't.

No, no, no,

sure he would.

Go on, go get it.

No, I don't want to.

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