The King of Marvin Gardens Page #4

[Door Opens]

If you hadn't come,

the police would've been there...

dragging me out

of the bathtub in a minute.

I mean, I don't want to go into a place

with my bubble bath...

and say,

"All right. I have special privileges here"...

and have the cops called on me,

that's all.

All right. I'm not finished yet.

My feet are still cold.

- This water isn't hot enough.

- It's still steaming.

It's not steaming, Jason. It's cold!

- Sally, the water is still hot.

- Well, maybe it feels hot to you...

because you weren't out there

freezing your ass off, but I was!

Catching double pneumonia

as you were dragging me out of a bathtub.

- Sally, it's all right.

- It's not all right.

Could you bring

the hot water over there and pour it?

- [Sally] Oh, not him!

- Oh, Sally -

It's all right. Go ahead.

[Sally] Jason, I'm just asking you

to put yourself...

in my shoes for once,

if you would, please.

How on earth do you think

that made me feel? Just think about it.

Poor Mommy.

Poor baby.

Hold it. Thank you, David.

I mean, you told me that you owned

the goddamn St. James Hotel.

You're so full of sh*t.

What I told you was that we still

had to examine the papers.

You're full of sh*t!

[Blowing]

Thank you.

You take a bath in there sometime,

will you, Jason?

Just go take one bath in there.

The water is rusty, icky, mucky!

I mean, you'd come out dirtier

than when you went in, for God's sakes!

Just - I'm telling you, it won't even stay hot

for three minutes, on top of everything else.

Just go in there

and take one bath and you'll see.

- Go on. Shrivel your testicles.

- I'll talk to the manager.

Oh, that'll do a lot of good. Terrific.

I mean, it's just for a few more days, darling.

Couple of weeks at the most.

Agura's flying in here Friday from Tokyo,

and we got a deal there.

It's 96% finalized.

- Not like the St. James, darlin'.

- What is it?

- Apple juice.

- Sally, listen to me now, for one time!

- I am listening to you!

- Well, I tried to explain to you...

that the St. James deal

was still in the exploratory stage.

- Well, you didn't make that clear.

- I didn't mean to yell.

But after that it doesn't matter anyway

'cause the four of us are Waikiki Beach.

Brown as berries.

Goddamn 50th state.

We're goddamn Hawaii, babe.

Pineapples.

[Chuckling]

That's funny.

All I need to feel is that you're with me,

you know, David?

Like we've got

something solid between us.

I'm still here, aren't I?

Things are pretty weird

around here, you know?

[Horse Whinnying]

It's not like home, huh?

You were really fabulous

with Sally yesterday.

You know, the girls,

they'll be yours as much as mine.

Yeah? When's all this go into effect?

We'll know when it's time, won't we?

Love takes time, you understand.

You've read all that literature.

No one reads anymore.

I have been deprived my literary right...

and I crave an audience.

The form of the tragic autobiography

is dead...

or will be soon,

along with most of its authors.

Good-bye, written word.

So I have chosen this form -

radio -

to author my life.

Not because my life

is particularly worthy...

but because it is hopefully...

comically unworthy.

Besides...

tragedy isn't Top 40.

- Which is just as well.

- Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- I, uh - [Clears Throat] I, um -

I didn't know anybody was in here.

It's all right. I'm not doing anything.

- What time is it?

- I don't even have to go.

I can come back anytime.

I - I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I

talked in there I would wake you all up.

No, no. It's fine.

You should have all the time you need.

- I know you're an artist.

- [Door Closes]

- [Jessica On Recorder]

I can come back anytime.

- [David] I - I couldn't sleep...

and I was afraid if I talked in there

I would wake you all up.

No, no. It's fine. You should

have all the time you need.

- I know you're an artist.

- [Door Closes]

Who say now $150?

Let it go at 150. 150 now bid.

Now it's 225. 225? Yes!

Going to give it to you. 75 the bid.

Bottom 275. Sold 250.

Thank you, Henry. That was neat.

Next.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm your auctioneer for the evening...

and by my accent you can

undoubtedly know that I am Scottish.

And as you well know, Scottish people

do not give things away free.

I love all the hustle around here.

It's out in the open.

Down here, everybody's hustling all the time.

That makes me laugh.

Maybe you can explain to me why the tzimmis

couldn't wait till the season rolls around.

Nobody hires an auctioneer

in the depths of winter.

We all take five. What do you say?

Pause that refreshes, boys, huh?

[Man]

Talk to you guys in a minute.

Now, you, my brother, sit down right there

for a second and watch this.

- [Grunting]

- [Woman] Purse snatcher!

- [Women Screeching]

- [Woman] That man took her purse!

- Mister, look, you give Magda back her purse

this minute, or I'm gonna call the police.

- You want your purse back?

- Oh, no, no. She's got it back.

- [Woman Groaning]

Come right in, ladies.

Of course you won't give me your purse.

has taught us to cling desperately

to our little possessions.

Trust no one.

The woods are full of thieves.

What woods?

What are you selling?

- The man is sincere, Bambi.

- Oh, Magda.

Thank you. Now, I really appreciate that.

And I know that none of you expects me to

give you something for nothing...

but I am prepared to give you

something for next to nothing.

You see what we have here today?

- What do you select?

- The radio.

- Magda!

- The clock radio. I knew it.

Sophisticated taste from Magda,

the woman who's goin' for a 28.50 item here.

For you, Magda, 75 cents.

Three quarters in my hand,

and you're walkin' out with a clock radio.

You'd give me that radio for 75 cents?

[Bambi]

What else does she have to buy?

I got a clock radio here

goin' for six bits.

It's goin' once. It's goin' twice.

I-I'd like to hear it play a minute.

It's only fair.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

- [Magda] Oh!

- [Jason] Okay, Davey. Take over.

- [All Chattering]

- Forget the radio. Here.

Now, why don't you take

this little mixing machine. It's a freebie.

- The other man just confused me.

- Hey, how about the toaster?

- Toaster? Sure. Here.

- Yeah.

- How 'bout the watch?

- How about you take the toaster?

What did you want?

- [All Chattering]

Here's the Bulova for Dad.

There you are.

We don't want your money, ladies.

There you go. Quite a surprise package for you.

- [All Chattering, Shouting]

- No, no, ladies! For God's sakes!

- [Lebowitz] Let's clear the entrance.

- They don't want your money.

Auction is over.

Run along now. That's it for today.

[Chattering Continues]

- Ah, geez.

- You're some kind of holy terror, you know that?

- I'm surprised they ever

let you out of that loony bin.

- Well, not exactly a loony bin.

More like a retreat, rest home.

Now wait a minute. Both of you.

Look, before you call it a good day's work,

what am I supposed to do with seven auctioneers?

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