The King of Marvin Gardens Page #5

Send 'em packin'.

They're a bunch of lames, jam-joiners.

Very nice.

What about my merchandise?

Why be so shortsighted? Why don't you

think of the goodwill that it bought you?

Goodwill don't balance my books.

At least I need receipts.

Jason, tell this schmuck about receipts.

See, I got a news flash for you.

These grandmas are coming back...

with half the widows of South Jersey, and

not because they got a handout for nothin'.

- But because merchandise

was presented to them with style -

- Sure.

Style from this schmuck, you schmuck, who

happens to be David Staebler, my brother.

Two Staeblers.

What, are you planning my ruination?

Just the opposite, Mr. Lebowitz.

I've been summoned here

to give your image a face-lifting.

Surely even you understand that image

is everything in business today.

Look. I have no time for jokes, Jason,

no desire for argument.

Receipts is the rule for everybody.

- What are you aggravatin' me for?

- If Lewis came here, wanted to play Santa -

Here I am, goddamn reunited with my brother,

and you're arguing with me.

Now, that's no way to do business.

It don't have a good bode.

[Marching Band:
Drums]

[Whistle Blows]

[Marching Band:

"Stars And Stripes Forever"]

Remember when we were kids?

You were always hollering,

"You're not the king of me."

That still goes.

Don't think you got

the crown of Staebleravia sewed up either.

I hear these islands are

a veritable hotbed of palace revolution.

[Sniffs]

[Marching Band:
Continues]

[Fades]

[Bugle Call]

[Crowd Whooping]

[Trumpet:
Jazz]

[Chattering]

[Sally Laughing]

[Sally And Jessica Laughing, Chattering]

[Jason]

What kind of wardrobe is that, huh?

[Jessica] Spread 'em apart.

There's a mole in the middle of the valley.

- [Sally] That's not funny.

- [Jessica] Shh, shh, shh.

[Laughing Continues]

- [Jason] Come on. What are you doing?

- [Sally] Come on.

- [Laughing Continues]

- [Jessica] Come on.

Your aim is totally off.

[Jason] Are you gonna

make something happen or what?

One, two, three!

[Jason]

Hey, hey! I'll give you Billy the Kid!

- I'm all wet.

- [Jessica And Sally Laughing]

[Calliope]

This could've been

a fantastic island right here.

It was full-out class until about 1930.

I tell you, you could hop a plane to Bermuda

for the weekend.

Yeah. Look at it now.

Let that be a lesson to us.

I promise you strict controls on Tiki.

We can't ever let it go downhill.

That's why I won't let anybody

build on anything less than 10 acres.

And no pokerino. No frozen custard.

No saltwater taffy.

If anybody litters, we deport 'em.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[Jason]

Thanks, Bertha. It was a nice ride.

[Bertha]

You're welcome.

So tell me, how are you doing

with little Jessica?

She seems very nice.

We haven't exactly gotten intimate yet.

Well, you're the most fascinating man

she ever met.

- Did she say that?

- We have no secrets.

[Sally]

Jason, we're freezing. Come on!

[Metal Clanking]

[Clanking Continues]

[Organ]

[Organ]

["Steppin' Out with My Baby"]

[Tempo Speeds Up]

[Tempo Slows Down]

[Ends]

[Applause Echoing]

[Applause Ends]

- [Electronic Feedback]

- Miss Hawaii. Yes, indeed.

Miss Hawaii.

Style and grace...

and a beautiful face...

from our beautiful 50th state

of blue Hawaii.

Yes, indeed! No contest!

Major discovery!

Totally major discovery!

She's it!

This is my favorite part of the show.

Having fun?

I'm just having a ball.

[Chord]

Now, I noticed in your biographical sketch...

that you haven't tap-danced

since you were nine years old.

No, sir. Not really, sir.

Ask her an interesting question, lame,

and quit milkin' it for yourself!

I see you brought

your own rooting section with you.

Yes, sir, I did.

[Flourish]

[Chuckles]

Well, how 'bout that?

[Electronic Feedback]

Thank you. We wish you

all the best luck in the world, uh, honey.

[Clears Throat]

And now...

comes the moment

we've all been waiting for.

I don't envy our judges.

They've had to select

from among the most glamorous...

and the most talented contestants ever.

But at last,

they have reached their decision.

And there she is...

being crowned by last year's queen...

the most beautiful girl in the world...

Miss America!

[Jason]

Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

You look beautiful, darlin'!

Take a walk! Come on!

Hit the big runway!

- [Applauding]

- You look beautiful.

[David]

Here she comes

Miss America

Here she comes

My ideal

The dreams of a million girls

Who are more than pretty

May come true in Atlantic City

And there she is

Walking on air, she is

- Fairest of the fair she is

- [Man] You said midnight!

We're pushin' 1:
00 a.m., Staebes.

You ain't splurgin' for no time and a half.

Sticklers!

[Chuckles] Nobody down here

got any pageantry anymore at all.

Nobody even wants it anymore.

- Jason, what's happening? I haven't finished.

- [David] That's it?

- [Sally] Why can't she finish?

- Go on home. You're off the rate.

Take Miss America and her pageant

and get out of here.

- [Sally] Let her finish.

- What do you got in here? Dracula?

- She's almost finished.

- Come on, darlin'. Come on. Come on.

[David]

Here she comes

[David, Sally]

Miss America

Here she comes

- Our ideal

- [Jason] Into the chariot.

- The dreams of a million girls

- [Sally] Come on, honey.

- You got it.

- [Sally] Careful!

- Who are more than pretty

- Ooh! Thank you.

- [All] In Atlantic City

- [Organ]

[Sally]

A rose here! A rose!

[Chattering, Laughing]

[Sally Humming

"There She Is, Miss America"]

Miss America

[Organ Continues]

[Chattering]

- [Chattering]

- [Man] Now you got 'em. Yeah. Bring 'em in.

- [Chattering]

- [Man] Now you got 'em. Yeah. Bring 'em in.

- [Jessica] That means he's ready to eat, right?

- Yep.

- Yeah, he looks like - He looks like a good one.

- He's not very big.

- Nah, but he's -

- [Jason] Here, little guy.

- They cook better when they're that size.

- Here, little guy.

- Okay. We need about four

or five more the size there.

- Four or five more?

[Wind Whistling]

Davey, which one do you like?

[Men Speaking Japanese]

Forgive me.

We don't want to misunderstand

about these dolphins.

They live with people in the same family?

Exactly. At least that's the way

these particular experiments were structured.

In one, a girl lived intimately

with a male dolphin for two months.

They developed an extraordinary level

of interspecies communication.

[Men Speaking Japanese]

She taught him to make humanoid sounds...

even English language phrases.

They learned to sense one another's moods...

to make each other happy.

Uh, please. Just how did she

make this dolphin happy?

Well, he liked to have the skin

between his flippers stroked...

for one thing.

She eventually learned

to relieve his sexual needs...

if that's what you're curious about -

and I certainly would be.

The point is, there are a hundred avenues

to redefining leisure.

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