The Knot Page #8

And lose the high ground?

Never.

I cheese-sandwich you, monkey.

I cheese-sandwich you, flatfoot.

I like your clothes. So brave.

Yeah, I was sort of going

for a, uh, wrestling motif.

I'm actually quite a trend-setter.

This time next year

everyone will be wearing this.

We love wrestling.

But it's not really the fashion side

that interests me.

You love wrestling?

So do we.

Going to show me

some of your special holds, then?

Yeah, I would love to. Uh, I could show

you a counter on a figure-four leglock.

- Ooh.

- Yeah.

I could hit you with a chair.

Hey.

- You okay?

- Mmm.

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's funny, you know, it takes one hour

and a vicar to get married.

And a divorce takes months

and a whole load of money and lawyers...

Ugh, God, this is such a mess.

- I just feel like such a failure, you know?

- No, you're not.

If there were one decent person here,

they'd notice us.

Two beautiful, sexy, young women

sitting here, and they'd come right over,

look you dead in the eye,

tell you how great you look and say...

Would you like to dance?

Who, me?

I saw you sitting here and thought

you looked like you could do with a dance.

Yeah, but why would you think that...

Oh, sorry, I thought...

- Well, Alex said...

- Look, she is, okay?

Look, Sarah, we know.

And we love you

and we just want you to be happy.

Thank you.

We love you, too. A lot.

Oh, Mandy! How did you get in here?

- Through the front door.

- There was a guard.

- Punched him in the throat.

- What's going on? Are you guys okay?

I'm sorry, J, but I tried to stop the wedding

like you wanted, but I was late.

I think you should leave, love!

- Wait, wait, wait.

- See, he needs me.

Jeremy, what is going on?

Um, when you think about it,

I tried to let you know in my speech.

- "To the madness. "

- In your speech?

- Oh, right, yeah, you said...

- Said he still loves me.

What?

- What?

- Jeremy!

Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke!

Mandy, I owe Alex an explanation.

So just give me a minute

and I'll see you outside.

See?

You can't fight against true love.

Mandy.

Okay, um, now what

are you going to say to her?

- I don't know.

- Okay, what the f*** is going on?

Why are you going to speak to her?

"To the madness. " Keep up, Pete.

- I love you, Alex.

- I love you, Jeremy.

Just try not to get stabbed in the throat.

- Yeah.

- All right.

Good luck.

Why does he need luck?

Why is he going to go and speak to her?

- I really need a drink, Pete.

- No, no. I love this song. Let's dance.

- To the madness.

- To the madness.

Mandy...

Thanks for back there.

Not making me feel so crazy

as I sometimes do.

Part of me knew you weren't

going to leave her today.

- So I got you something...

- Whoa! Mandy, no!

What?

It's a gift.

I wrapped it in tinfoil because I couldn't

find any wrapping paper.

A boomerang?

It's symbolic, you knob.

You might not leave her today,

but one day you'll be back.

Come here.

You'll be okay. You'll find someone.

Hey, you didn't happen to send a package

to me at home, did you?

- A pair of balls? In ajar?

- I wish I had.

You need a pair.

Why am I having to look for you

amongst all these strangers? Huh?

Are you trying to make me

look like some sort of cock today?

- Show me up like this again and I'll...

- There won't be a next time, Steve,

because I'm leaving you.

I'd like to see that.

Who's going to love you,

with all your whining and crying?

My friends love me, and you know what?

I'm starting to realise I'm not that bad

and I deserve a lot better than this.

Yeah.

Why don't you leave her alone?

Why don't you stay out of this, mate?

Come on, then.

Wanker!

Yeah, really?

- Um, you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Sure?

Do you have somewhere to stay,

like with one of the girls or something?

Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks.

Okay. 'Cause you know

you can stay at my place

- if you want to get out...

- Peter, not all of us need saving, okay?

Okay.

What's your place like?

Oh, uh...

One bedroom.

But I can sleep on the couch, or you can.

There's a cinema down the road. I cook.

Might make a difference from that twat.

But, you know,

if you don't want to, it's cool...

No, actually that would be amazing.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Great!

Good, good, yeah.

Um, good.

- Um, just have one question.

- Yeah?

Please answer honestly. Um...

Do you pee on the toilet seat?

What? No, no, no. I don't...

No, I lift it up, I do my thing,

and I put it back down again.

That's a really bizarre question...

Welcome to family, son!

If you ever hurt my daughter, it's not

going to be pig's balls in ajar or box,

it's going to be yours, entender?

Of course! You sent them!

Family!

- Shall we go? Okay.

- Yeah.

Why is Julie snogging Peter?

And why the f*** is my cousin

kissing that girl?

Baby, don't worry about it.

- Right! We're off to consummate marriage!

- Whoo!

I want what every single man

wants from marriage...

Sex on tap.

I'm joking. Mostly.

No, I'm not bothered about all the stuff

that goes with marriage...

- The house, car...

- Dinner plates...

Who needs all that crap?

I just wanna spend

the rest of my life with someone...

...I can reach out for and have them

find my hand without thinking.

Someone that I can look across

a crowded room for...

...and see them staring back at me, smiling.

- Someone to finish...

- ... your thoughts and sentences.

Someone I can just...

...connect with.

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