The Knot Page #7

That wasn't them, this is the wrong church.

Get your arse out of my car now.

Or I'm gonna drive back round that corner

and let them have you.

I promise you'll get paid.

Give me something now or no deal.

What else do you want?

Oh...

Maria, what can I say?

Except that you look absolutely ravishing.

- Just thought you should know.

- Thank you.

Keep your mouth shut this time.

At last.

Right.

If anyone knows any reason why these

two people should not be married, speak now!

He doesn't wanna marry you, f***er!

He loves me! Me!

It's a lie, it's a lie.

I don't know her, I've never...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

To love and to honour...

...until death do us part.

I will.

I will.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Baby, I'm so...

You remembered the car

and it plays a Spanish song?

- Why am I not surprised?

- Shut up.

- Hmm?

- But you...

Seriously, do not...

How brave are you, getting that car?

Not many men would have the balls to do that,

but that's why I love you.

- Balls, yeah.

- Hmm?

Shall we do the speech? I'll do the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have your attention, please?

it's all right.

I can get a set of these at 2.99 from Homebase.

I told you they're hooligans.

Bear with me, I've not brought my glasses.

Uh, first, I would like

to thank you all for coming. Thank you.

And especially I'd like to thank

the beautiful bridesmaids.

Yes, yes, for doing a... Thank you,

thank you... For doing a wonderful job

of putting one foot in front of the other,

and Julie, Sarah,

Helen, you're all beautiful and...

Anisha, great legs.

And, of course, the wonderful Sandra...

...who has been outshining everyone today.

Um, so...

I first met Jeremy when we were in college

and immediately I thought,

"What a well-groomed,

"wonderfully articulate,

good-looking young man. "

So I thought I would set him up

with a friend of mine.

Imagine my surprise

when we found out he wasn't gay.

You boys remember that.

But, hey, if the guy says he's not gay,

he's not gay.

I stand by him, not in front or behind,

but shoulder to shoulder.

Yeah, um...

We always knew Jeremy would be

the most successful out of all of us.

He was the first one to get a full-time job,

he was the first one

to get his own place,

which I can tell you, comes in very handy

between Thursday and Sunday,

when you need to have a little liaison

with one, two,

or, at one time, three ladies.

Anyway, anyway, I've realised that, again,

Jeremy is the first of us to do something

amazing, and that is to settle down,

and he has found the beautiful,

absolutely stunning Alexandra,

so I think we should all...

The truth is, I didn't ever really think Jeremy

could get much better than he is, but you...

you have made him a better person.

Um,

and I know that he's going to spend

the rest of his life

making sure that you come first,

in and out of the bedroom.

Thank you. In all seriousness,

um,

Jeremy's a man of honour

and integrity.

But the truth is, when he met you,

he became a whole lot better,

and, uh, I was really honoured

when you asked me to be the best man,

because he's the best man I know.

And you are... You are the best woman.

Um,

I didn't ever really believe, to be honest,

that two souls could be meant for each other,

but, you know, you two really prove

that love is real.

And, you know, I don't really know

what else I can say after that, except...

To the bride and groom.

To the bride and groom.

Sorry, Alex.

- I love you, man.

- I love you too, man.

Jack? Is it on?

Haven't I done enough filming for you?

Can't I just enjoy the day?

It won't be a big Festen speech or anything,

but I thought I'd give you

the heads-up on the big finale.

My speech.

- It better be good.

- Yeah, it will be.

All right, everyone,

can I have your attention, please?

Uh, first of all, thank you all for coming.

The whole point of all of this, for me and Alex,

was to celebrate "us" with all of you.

Because there's no other way

to get this many people you know and love

in one place and...

shout from the rooftops,

"I love this girl!"

Now,

my good friends Jack and Helen

have been documenting this day,

trying to get to the bottom of what

all this wedding business is all about.

Now,

I look at these two,

sweet, nihilistic lovers,

and I think to myself

there is nobody better suited.

Even though you two

are never going to get married.

There's something about

your dark, twisted souls

that are going to need each other forever.

And it's this intimate madness

that gels you two.

And that's what Alex and I

are celebrating with this.

So,

for the record,

- here's to the madness!

To the madness.

I'll see you in a sec.

- Hi.

- Hey, Julie. How's your, uh...

- Oh, yeah. it's getting better, thanks.

- Oh, good.

- Oh, well, we'll speak later. Hey, Sarah.

- Hey, Peter.

Hey, I know you're upset.

But just in case your husband

hasn't told you,

I just wanted to say

that you look really beautiful today.

Thanks, Sarah.

What are you doing here anyway? I thought

you didn't want to catch the bouquet.

Yeah, yeah, I don't.

I just thought it'd be fun to be part of the

chaos that is bouquet-wrestling.

- Why are you here?

- Exactly.

- Are you trying to embarrass me?

- No.

People know you're married to me

and you're standing out here

waiting to catch the flowers?

It's just a bit of fun, Steve.

Go and sit down.

I know this is supposed to be at the end,

but I couldn't wait. Are you ready?

Yeah!

Get ready for your John Woo moment.

We put this in 3-D, we got a seller.

- I don't know if I want to see that in 3-D, mate.

- You're sick!

Hi.

Oh, Julie.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, I'll take it from here, babe.

Jules, he's a prick, not worth crying over.

- Don't let him control you. Take charge.

- No, it's not just that.

It's everything.

My arse hurts. My heart hurts.

And I'm completely ruining Alex's day.

No, you're not!

I just want something to take the pain away.

Anything.

Well...

If you can avoid the stitches.

Remember to...

Well...

What are you doing?

Oi!

Please. From what I've heard, I'd have

to piss on you so you could find it.

- Did you get a chance to tell Jeremy?

- Yeah, yeah, I did. Shh.

- I'm going to steal my wife.

- Congratulations!

Love youse.

Jeremy, I love you, but I need my daughter.

Come on.

- I love you more.

- Love you more!

Ah, so that's it, man.

How does it feel?

I feel better

than I have ever felt about anything.

I can tell, man. And you know what?

You've made me think about a few things, too.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- So thank you.

- I love you.

I love you, too.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood.

Look at Anisha.

I wish I could take charge like her.

How does she do it?

I mean, do you think she's happy?

- Yeah, if she's in control, she's happy.

- True.

- Come on, dance with me.

- Aw, really?

So, um, do you think we should

ever tell them about Vegas?

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