The Knot Page #6

See you up there.

Come on, Alex. You're here. We're all here.

Jeremy loves you,

and I promise there will be no more mishaps

for the rest of the day.

Oh, come on, it's your wedding day!

Where the hell have you been?

You're 20 minutes late.

Mum. Aunt Claire. Dad.

I thought I brought you up better than that.

- Yeah, well, we had to make a couple of stops.

- The Giddings are never late.

You must get that

from your mother's side of the family.

Or those hooligans you muck around with.

Will you two stop rambling?

- Darling, you look great, I'm so proud.

- Thanks.

- Granddad having a good time?

- Yes, he's loving it.

Jeremy, you've made an old spinster

very proud today.

- Thank you. You still single, Aunt Claire?

- Yes, but on the prowl.

Seen some lovely young men here today.

A Jamaican friend of mine

calls them "stamina daddies".

I need me a stamina daddy.

I don't wear panties any more,

so I'm always ready.

- Can I, uh, borrow the groom for a second?

- Yes, of course.

Um...

Forget all of them, that's what I say,

I mean, I love Alex.

Well, I mean, I did till now.

But it's always been Jeremy and Peter,

and it always will be.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, man, but I don't think Alex

is going to turn up.

What?

I heard her say

that she didn't want to get married.

I'm sorry.

Just one last joke as a single man.

You get up there. I'll see you in a second.

- Oh, hi.

- Here!

Where have you been?

I'm the maid of honour. I've been with Alex

all day, like I should've been.

Why are you walking like that?

I fell on some glass.

Twelve stitches.

- I did try to call you from the...

- Glass?

Are you stupid?

- Is Julie okay?

- Yeah, she's fine. it's, uh...

Just been one of those days.

You, uh, you look absolutely amazing.

Awesome. All of you look great.

- Thank you.

- No problem.

- How is he? Is he okay?

- Yeah. I've never... never seen him happier.

Uh, can we start? I'm late

and I have another wedding at 2:00 pm.

- Okay, guys.

- Good thing this is a church, man, I tell you.

This is it!

I have had a right old time.

I have been to every single car rental,

every cafe, every pub, every restaurant

in this area. Honestly, mate.

I'm desperate.

Customer of mine, outside.

He's got a pretty fancy car.

What's he look like?

- You'll know.

- Cheers!

Cheers, mate.

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, excuse me, sorry to interrupt,

are you the bloke with the fancy car,

and if so, could I borrow it?

Yeah, I'm the G with the fancy vehicle.

- Okay.

- No, you can't borrow it. You feel me?

Okay, I... Yeah, I feel you.

Could you try and feel me, right?

My mate's getting married

and there's no car to pick him up.

I'm missing the wedding,

'cause it's my fault.

You can drive the car and I will...

I've got money, I will pay you. I've got...

- Give me that!

- I've got, like... That's, like, 250 quid,

- and you can get more later from the groom.

- How much?

A lot, he's f***ing loaded.

Where's this car, then?

- Right there.

- Oh, Christ!

Peter and I were at a bar...

I was at this dodgy bar with Julie and, um...

She turned, raised her glass...

Lifted my glass up to see if it was clean and...

I sauntered over, all 007...

He came stumbling over like a hobo...

Slipped her the number smoothly...

Dropped a piece of paper in my lap

with his number scribbled on it...

And the rest...

And then he just shuffled off

without getting my name.

...is history.

So he asked you

to marry him?

Yes. it's very unempowered of me.

- But isn't that the real power?

- The vagina.

A woman, you cynic.

What do you love about her?

Well, what's not to love?

And that's the real truth about love,

it's not...

some big thing.

It's all the small things

that make you so much more

than when you're alone.

Anyone can make me laugh,

but Alex makes me smile.

Who'd wanna get married anyway?

- You should read more romance.

- Where's Albert? What do we do?

- Walk!

Come here, quick!

- Who's he?

- I don't know.

Please be seated.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we start,

can I just say how happy I am

to see two young people

who still believe in the institution of marriage.

And I think we should applaud them.

- Where's Albert?

- Long story.

Almost makes me want to do it, man.

I mean, who wouldn't want a girl

that beautiful to be in love with you?

Well, she's definitely better

than the girl that was in his bed this morning.

Jeremy, what the f***?

No...

- Wait till I get my hands on you!

- You absolute prick!

- Oh!

Let go of me!

Gosh! Fiery people, these Spaniards.

Alex?

Who was in your bed, Jeremy? Who?

Look, I know how that sounded and...

Look, last night was a bit hazy, right?

- Who the f*** was in your bed?

- It wasn't...

Uh, before anything else is said,

Alex, I just want you to know

that there wasn't a woman in Jeremy's bed,

it was a man.

And wait, wait, I know how that sounds.

Um, what I mean is the boys and I,

- we just set it up as a, uh...

- Stag night.

...stag-night prank.

Please understand, because I would never

do anything ever, or let him do anything,

to jeopardise what you two have,

because you are just the best.

Could this get any more emotional?

Thank you, Peter.

Move, man, move!

You all right?

I wasn't upset

'cause I thought you'd done something,

I was upset 'cause I didn't know.

- What?

- I just don't know if I wanna be...

one of those angry wives at home. I want you

to be with me because you want to be,

and if you'd had to be with someone else

one last time to figure that out,

- I just wish you could've told me.

- Alex,

I haven't lied to you.

What Peter says sounds likely.

But for the sake of honesty,

have you ever been unfaithful?

From the moment I saw you,

you have been the only woman in my life.

No one's been in my bed, or my mind,

because you

are in my heart.

The only confession I have to make

is that I love you with my entire being.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Look, I'm not qualified

to make this kind of sweet melodrama,

but we could keep going

and make a f*** tape.

Just saying.

Walking back.

- All right?

- Yeah.

- Shall we go?

- Yeah, let's get married.

Anything to confess?

Um...

I got really drunk at Helen's birthday party

and snogged some random guy.

Oh, and,

um, that weekend you were away in France,

this doesn't really count

'cause we were just mucking around,

but I slept with your cousin Sarah.

Yeah, go on with you!

Well?

Yeah, we're getting married!

- Go get my money, yeah?

- All right.

# Balabushka, Balabushka #

Start the car! Start the car!

Sh*t!

Start the f***ing car!

- Go, go, go.

- Oh, what the f*** are you doing?

- Jesus Christ! Sh*t.

- Stop pushing buttons, stop pushing buttons!

- Stop pushing buttons!

- What the f***! Drive! F***ing drive!

- Drive. Go, go, go.

- What the f***? Look out!

Bloody hell!

Jesus!

What the hell is going on?

One minute you say I'm going to get paid

and the next minute

your friends wanna kill you!

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