The Knot Page #5

Well, is she okay?

Is she okay?

Tell Alex I love her.

Jeremy says he loves Alex.

Tell Julie I hope her... I hope she's okay.

- Okay, we'll see you soon.

- I don't think I can do this.

- What?

- it's nothing. it's fine.

Jeremy says he loves you.

Look out!

Sorry.

- Oh, my God, how are you feeling?

- How do you think?

Helen, you keep that camera

at this end of me, okay?

Did you get through to Steve?

No. Voicemail.

But Peter says hi.

- He's hot for you, you know?

- What about the dress?

- The tears are small, it'll be fine.

- Oh, thank God...

...you're okay.

- Where's the nurse? What did she say?

- She?

Hi.

So we gave her a tetanus shot,

and she needs to take it slow for a while.

Just a few more stitches

and then we're done, okay?

Oh, let's see.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, guys, come on!

Oh, my God!

- How many stitches?

- Twelve.

Four there, one there,

three there, three there,

and one... right there.

I didn't know you were pierced.

Mmm.

You know these trousers,

they supposed to dry-clean?

Yeah, I know, mate.

it's, uh, my mate's wedding.

I've only got five minutes.

- So...

- Mate, huh?

Right, I'm not being racist,

but you lot are really freaking me out.

- We're late, where's the driver?

- In the toilet.

- Got you a cushion.

- Oh, thanks.

So is Jeremy a sprayer or a lifter?

- What?

- Does he pee on the toilet seat,

or does he lift it and leave it up?

Will you get your mind

out of the gutter, please?

Seriously. Cosmo says

you can tell the type of man by what he does.

If he pees on it,

then he's rebellious and controlling.

If he leaves it up, then he's unreliable

and lazy. It's one or the other.

it's rubbish.

it's true!

- Julie?

- Uh, Steve pees all over.

- Helen?

- He leaves it up.

- Sarah?

- Hello? Single.

- Well, Alex?

- it's always dry and down.

Wow, a guy that doesn't pee

all over the toilet seat. Impressive.

It's almost unheard of.

But if that's what he does, then he's a rarity.

Or he's gay.

Oh, God!

Wait, whay are we talking about

how my future husband goes to the loo?

- And he's your cousin!

- Gross!

So, Sarah, what's with the single thing?

Hate men?

I don't hate men, I've just had my fill.

Excuse the pun.

Plus, the good ones are taken.

Hey, that's not true. They're not all taken.

I mean, Peter's nice.

Average at best. But I guess we all like

the taste of a bit of chocolate now and again.

God! You're such a dirty pig.

We all know he and Julie have sexual tension.

Excuse me, I don't think so.

Have you ever thought about, you know,

drinking from the furry cup?

- Anisha?

- I don't know.

No, women are crazy.

Yeah, we are. Totally crazy.

Yeah, we are.

- Excuse me!

- Finally!

- Yep?

- Do you pee on your toilet seat?

Crazy.

So, Jeremy?

Who do you think sent you the balls?

Man, if I'm late, you lot are taking the blame.

What? why?

Think about it.

If she thinks I've ruined her big day,

there will be no consummating

of the marriage.

You want us to take the blame

for not getting to the church on time,

- and with a man down?

- Yeah.

And you've been with her for ages.

The fanny won't be any more special.

Can you not talk about her like that?

This is my wife.

Future wife.

- Shut up!

- Shut up!

Next time I'm best man, I want a contract.

- Here.

- Good luck, my friend.

You have balls turning up late, innit?

What did you say?

- What do you know about the balls?

- Huh, what?

The testicles I got this morning.

Get off me, man!

- You don't touch a man...

- How would he know? Let's go.

They're already here.

They're supposed to arrive after us.

I'm so sorry, babe.

- It's all right, mate, it's all right.

- I'm ready.

- Ugh!

- What do you mean, "ugh"?

Deadman! You are a dead man now!

- Run?

- Yeah.

Peter, what was that?

Keep moving!

They're still coming!

There's loads of them! Run!

Should've seen your face, man!

They are very angry.

Finish them!

No problem!

Ralph, Ralphus? Let's have you up, come on.

Come on, get up.

What are you doing?

Let's go back to the wedding, indoors.

My glasses! Oh! What the hell was that?

- What road was that?

- Notts Road.

Oh, shin

We're supposed

to be at St Mary's on Notts Avenue.

That's the wrong church.

What idiot denomination

would build two churches so close...

Don't even answer that.

I just wanna find the church and get married.

But I don't know where we are.

You don't know where you're getting married?

Well, it's the church her mum goes to.

You were at the rehearsal, you should know.

Well, the directions are on the...

Oh, I've lost the iPad.

Oh, you've lost the iPad.

Oh, well, it was a wedding present,

so technically it was your iPad.

Today was a demo about how good

it was going to be, Jeremy.

Can this day get any worse?

I just wanna find my wife and get married.

Future wife.

- Shut up.

- What?

Let's go.

Yeah?

What happened to, "Welcome to Figarude,

how may I help?"

- Do you want something?

- Yeah, I wanna rent a car.

- For when?

- Now. I want a limo or something posh.

All of our cars are out,

most of them ain't due back till later today.

So why did you ask me what I wanted?

I never. I asked when you wanted it.

Listen, you little fanny, could you stop being

smart with me and go get your boss?

- You wanna speak to the manager?

- Yes, dumbo, thank you.

Dad! There's a bloke here

that wants to speak to you!

Who is it?

Guys, the limo! Ah, f***!

Okay, we need to go before she sees us.

Go, go, go!

- How's your, um...

- Fine.

Are you still feeling sick?

Listen, when I got married,

I was as nervous as hell.

Mind you, if I'd known the outcome,

I might not have bothered.

Okay, Julie, you know what?

You've been saying stuff like that all day.

Is there something

going on with you and Steve?

Yeah, he's been cheating on me.

Oh, God, Julie, hon, I'm so sorry.

Sh*t! I missed it! Can you say

that again with the same intensity?

- Oh, God!

- No!

- Yeah, she's a 19-year-old gymnast.

- Ugh!

- F***ing a**hole!

- Imagine that.

Someone else that would take

that wanker other than me?

- Why didn't you say anything?

- I don't know. What is there to say?

Anyway, at least I've got these

to look forward to when I get home.

- We'll talk about it later, okay?

- Okay.

- it's your day.

- Are you okay?

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

Come on.

That reminds me,

I've invited Steele. He should be in there now.

But don't worry, he's lovely.

- The stripper?

- Not now, honey. Showtime!

- Alex, Alex!

- You invited a stripper to my wedding?

How could you do that...

- Great, just great.

- Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry.

I'm wearing stupid blue knickers,

one dress is covered in blood and glass

and the other one's torn! it's...

Someone up there

does not want me to get married.

So maybe I just shouldn't get married?

We made it. Nothing can go wrong now.

I'm getting married and we're

in the safest place young men can be,

the Catholic Church.

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