The Knot Page #4

- Me?

- Yes.

- Will I get flowers like yours today?

You'll definitely get flowers like mine today.

- You'll get your own special flowers.

- Yes!

- That wasn't on, was it?

- Uh, no.

Guys, thank you so much for being there

for me.

Yeah, well, I have to change the batteries,

so you guys go down

- and I'll catch up with you.

- Yeah.

- You didn't have to wipe her arse, did you?

- Never speak of this again.

I asked you to order that car.

- I honestly don't remember that.

- Yeah? Well, I've got a list.

Well, it's too late now, just get ready.

- Pete?

- Hmm?

- What's the matter?

- I may have been mistaken,

- but I think on the list...

- What? Hmm?

So where's the car?

Jeremy, you're not gonna believe this,

but, uh, Albert forgot to order it.

Albert didn't...

I knew you lot would mess it up.

So I took the liberty of ordering one myself.

You see, babe, you are marrying a smart man.

So you ordered one, even though

you asked me to delegate...

- Do you really wanna go there?

- No.

Actually, saying that, he should be here

by now. I'll give him a call.

I can't believe you'd grass up Albert like that.

I didn't.

- No memory, that boy.

- None.

Hi, it's Jeremy Giddings.

I'm getting married today. I've a car ordered.

I am so sorry.

You got another one though, right?

I don't want a refund!

I'm getting married in two hours!

How am I supposed to get there?

A message? Yeah, well, what message?

Yeah! I will check,

and I will check you if there isn't!

Sh*t!

"I'll check you"?

- Good one.

- What am I supposed to do now?

Look, hang up the phone again,

I'll get a cut-away,

- we're gonna push in. This is a killer shot.

- Jack, you're a prick.

But...

- Listen, about the car...

- Ah, no one blames you, mate.

Yeah?

Well, then who is willing to take me on

for the championship?

Will it be you, King Ralphus, or you,

Tiny Pete?

- Ralph, Ralph...

- Have you learned nothing from this morning?

- I will take you down!

- Uh-oh.

- Off the ropes!

- And a miss!

- Okay!

- To the head!

- Oh!

- To the head!

- Oh!

- Guys.

- And again!

- Ahhh!

oh, shin

I don't believe this!

What's wrong?

The car I ordered, it crashed.

Oh, mate, listen,

you are getting married today,

I understand that, but you are worrying

about things that in the big scheme of things

means nothing.

Is it too much to ask for a good day?

- No.

- No, no.

From now on,

this day is gonna continue without a hitch.

- Absolutely.

- it's gonna be the perfect day.

Absolutely.

- Yeah?

Right.

Now, has anyone seen my phone?

They said they left a message.

Er, don't you remember,

when we came in drunk last night

you said your phone looked like a goldfish?

What's your point?

Oh, mate.

It's only a phone. You'll be all right.

- Oh.

- Um...

Oh, my God.

It's just, uh... Big scheme of things...

- Don't have to...

- First of all...

- Yeah?

- ... there was a man in my bed.

- Okay.

- Then soy sauce.

- Yeah, but that was...

- A threat!

- Testicles in the post!

- I'll give you that.

- Wasabi! The car! My phone!

- Yep.

And now this! Come here!

- No, no, no, no...

- Jeremy, Jeremy?

Not the face! Don't! Get off me!

I will sort a car right now!

- If you're...

- Don't say a word.

He looks friendly.

Shut up, man!

You're a good driver, aren't you?

It's a nice car.

It's a lovely car.

J, you're very lucky.

Just shut up!

Well, this is it,

it's only two more hours to marriage town.

Another one bites the dust.

You and Julie down,

there's only three of us left.

- I guess you're next.

- I think not.

Well, it's whoever catches the bouquet.

That thing will land in hell

before I ever try to catch it.

- I'm so over relationships.

- Yeah, I know how you feel.

Ugh, God! Need some air.

Whoo!

Hi!

Whoo! I'm getting married today!

I love you, Jeremy!

Hi!

Oh, my God! isn't that Anisha?

Anisha!

- Anisha! That's my bridesmaid!

- Oh, my God!

Look at my hair!

Anisha!

Meet us round the corner!

Oh.

That was hilarious!

- Hey, girls!

- Hi!

Oh, where the hell have you been?

We've been worried sick.

Oh, my God! Remember that stripper, Steelo?

I've been with him for three days. He is a god!

What about your boyfriend?

Oh, I called him and said,

"Baby, welcome to Singlesville,

population:
you. "

- That's so mean.

- How much of a god?

Like, actually, really, all night, no break.

I'm so glad I booked him.

No offence, but if it wasn't for him,

your hen night would have

been totally uninteresting.

Yeah, it would have

been totally uninteresting.

- Agreed.

- Anyway, I got you a gift from him.

They're called love drops.

They vibrate when you tense

and emit little pulses -

instant orgasms.

- Gross.

- Relax, I didn't use them.

What do you do with them?

Use your imagination, prissy.

Oh.

Well, we shouldn't leave them lying around.

What?

Oh, champagne!

I'll get it.

Take those. And here's a fresh bottle.

Oh:

Oh, my God! Oh, my God,

I sat on the glasses!

My arse!

My bum-bum!

Hello?

I'll be there in a sec.

So, Peter,

what do you think

about Jeremy falling in love?

Well, you know,

since his last relationship with Mandy

ended quite badly,

you know, it was amazing

that he found love at all.

What? Exes not entitled to their say?

Probably not, but go ahead.

Just because I'm no longer part

of the famous Jeremy and his entourage...

How do you feel about the wedding?

Good. You know,

I introduced the two of them.

Sort of.

More or less. Well, I was there, weren't I?

This should have been my seat.

- She's an imposter.

Right, that's...

No, look, I'm just having my say.

Still sporting the Doc Martens, I see.

They complement each other like...

Like a fine Beaujolais and a good Brie.

Or like bangers and mash.

Saltfish and ackee.

You haven't eaten today, have you?

It was always us, you and me

against the rest of the world.

Your cat dying was a terrible accident.

You and your friends are total...

- Sh*t!

What?

Alex and I agreed the car I got

would be the one to leave in.

Her's is only booked to take her there.

When she sees this waiting to whisk her away,

she'll divorce me

before she's even left the church.

And when she sees your jacket...

Well, the tailor could have made them better.

These are pecks, not moobs.

- Stop the car!

- Are you serious?

What are you doing?

The wedding starts in an hour,

finishes in two.

You've got until then to find a suitable car.

How am I gonna get a car in two hours?

Where are you going?

Tell someone who cares!

All I wanna do today is get married.

What? Where's the church?

Notts Road! And fix that jacket!

You fix your face!

Right, come on, mate.

Is he for real?

I tried calling Jeremy. His phone's off.

This was supposed to be my perfect day.

It's gonna be okay. Let me call Peter.

My wedding day's always going

to be remembered for Julie's arse.

- Pete...

- Sorry, it's the suit trousers. Sorry, sorry.

Sarah? Hello?

- What?

- What's happened?

- Julie's had an accident.

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