The L-Shaped Room Page #2

When I say I'm a writer,

I don't make any money by it.

For kicks I, er,

work in a cracker factory.

I put the jokes inside them.

That's why I'm living chez Doris.

But it doesn't explain

why you are, does it?

Perhaps that isn't

any concern of yours, Mr Coleman.

Point taken.

Just that although I'm the laziest,

undiscovered writer of my generation,

I'm still randy for new material.

Just to file away and forget.

I'll put you in a nice virgin file.

Hello. Dr Weaver?

'Well, this is his secretary, yes.'

Erm...

'Hello? Hello!'

Er... I wonder if Dr Weaver

could give me an appointment?

- 'Well, has he seen you before?'

- No, he hasn't. No, er, a friend.

- 'I see. Is it urgent?'

- Er, yes. It is urgent, yes.

- 'All right. I'll check.'

- If you could, I would be very grateful.

- 'What name is it?'

- Fosset. Mademoiselle. Erm...

Miss Fosset.

Yes, I see.

Took no precautions at all, I suppose.

No, no, no. Of course not.

No, that would have spoilt the wonder of it all,

wouldn't it? All that nasty clinical stuff.

Yes, I know all about that.

Well, what's he going to do about it?

- I'm sorry?

- The young man. The proud father-to-be.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, it's not

an unimportant aspect, is it?

I don't see it's an aspect

that concerns you, Doctor.

Oh, now...

Just a minute.

Let's get ourselves tidied up, shall we?

Right from scratch.

It's not like buying

a pound of sugar, you know?

And I'm not just a nosey old man.

I've got a position to protect.

All I'm saying is this:

if he could be persuaded to marry you,

well, it... it would be a better solution.

And I'm asking you, can he be persuaded?

It's not a question of him.

I can't be persuaded.

I don't want to marry him.

Oh.

I see. Right.

Well... we've got that bit straight.

What stage are we at?

- Stage?

- How many months?

Oh. Er, two and a half.

Good. Next question.

Er, have you ever been pregnant before?

- No.

- You're quite sure? Now's the time to say.

- I'm quite sure.

- Some of you girls aren't, you know?

You'd be surprised how many colds

go on for nine months

and then weigh six-and-a-half pounds.

Right.

Now you're parents,

they know you've come to see me.

No, they don't.

Oh, they know about the baby, though?

I've written to them, yes.

- And?

- That's all.

I didn't expect any reply from them.

I know my parents.

Well, parents are pretty much the same

the world over, you know?

Are they?

You don't know my mother.

She even thinks colours are immoral.

As a child I was always in mourning.

What about your dad?

My father likes to think he lives

on another level from most people.

What is happening to me

is not possible in his life.

Well, they sound a very enlightened pair.

So you're going it alone.

Not always a wise choice, you know?

I don't have any choice.

That's a bit of an overstatement,

isn't it?

I don't have any choice.

So you want some advice from me?

Monica, how's Charles fixed for this week?

You'll have to see my colleague

and he's rather busy.

'Wednesday, 3:
15, Doctor.

'That's the only one

unless we have a cancellation.'

Well, book Miss Fosset in there, will you?

F-O-S-S-E-T, of course, French.

Do I have to see another doctor?

Er, yes. It's, er, just the way

these things are done over here.

It's just a formality.

What sort of formality?

One second.

What sort of formality?

He countersigns a certificate

to say that you're psychologically unfit

to, erm, go through with it.

And, er, the rest is pure routine.

I arrange for you

to go into my private clinic

and after a couple of days

everything's back to normal.

Er, what's a good time for you?

When have you got a free afternoon?

Free afternoon?

Yes. Are you, er, working

or studying or on holiday or what?

No. No, I'm not working. Erm...

I'm free any time.

Well, most girls choose Saturdays.

I don't know why.

If you could choose a weekday,

I'd be grateful.

You see, the weekends

are a bit of a rush.

Well, I think that's about all.

Except I suppose

the, er, indelicate subject of my fee.

I can promise you one thing, though.

And that is it'll be clone conclusively

and under conditions of...

Er... Under hygienic conditions.

Excuse me.

Er, Monica, our fascist friend downstairs

looking rather suspicious.

'You're all right for another hour,

Doctor. I've replenished the till.'

Good girl. It's a full-time job these days

keeping the right side of the law.

Well, as I was saying, you can rest

assured about the way it'll be clone.

And what do you charge

for your afternoon's work, Doctor?

100. 100 guineas.

Er, where are you going? Now look here.

I can quite understand you'd find it

difficult to lay your hands on a lump sum,

especially if you can't turn

to the young man concerned for help.

I'm always so worried what you young girls

will rush off and do to yourselves.

Well, let's say 60 guineas, hm?

What could be fairer than that?

- One thing could be.

- What's that?

You could perhaps try

and find out whether I'm pregnant

before making one of your generous offers

or spoiling one of your weekends.

You could perhaps try and ask me -

it's only a formality -

if I even want to get rid of my baby.

If there is a baby.

I don't suppose that will occur to you

when all those guineas are at stake.

You want to have the baby?

Yes! Now I do.

When I came in here I wasn't sure.

But after listening to you, yes, I do!

Anything's better than your way.

You ought to meet my father.

You have a lot in common with him!

Is anything wrong, Doctor?

Er, no, Monica, no.

She came to the wrong place, that's all.

I think she thought

we were on the health scheme.

Miss?

Hm...

Hey, Miss?

Hey, Miss?

Miss?

You like a cup of tea?

Don't spill it all down yourself.

It's a good cup of tea.

Let me hold it.

Hope you take sugar?

I put a lot of sugar in.

- You take sugar?

- Mm-hm.

Know what I always do?

I put about half a pound of sugar

in my cup

and then eat it with a spoon

when I get down to the bottom.

- Bags of energy.

- Thank you.

Hey, you're cold.

I'll light the fire.

You gotta go to work today?

Oh, er, I must have

some pennies somewhere.

I got pennies.

- You go to work?

- I'm going out, yes.

It's not good to go to work

if you're sick.

- I'm not sick.

- Where did you sleep last night?

In the chair. No wonder you're sick.

Oh, I... I'm not sick. I'm, er...

I'm just stiff, that's all.

You sleep in chairs,

you're bound to get stiff.

What did you sleep in the chair for?

Well, I don't usually. I...

I must've just fallen asleep here,

I suppose.

Anyway, my bed's lousy.

Is that right, "lousy"?

- That's right. And that's mad.

- Hmm.

No. The bugs in this house are too smart

to let you catch in daytime.

They are 100% night bugs.

Are all the rooms in the house like this?

Oh, this is a real Israel for bugs.

Ain't you ever come across bugs before?

You're lucky.

Why doesn't someone complain?

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