The L-Shaped Room Page #3

To Doris?

Oh, old Doris,

she's smarter than the bugs.

You complain,

she comes in making a big noise

and she gets to the bed before you do.

And she says real loud,

so the bugs can hear,

"This is the cleanest bed in the house,"

and she pat, pat, pat, like this.

And when you pull back to show her...

exodus, man, exodus.

- You got any soap?

- Soap? Yes.

Big cake you want. Strong soap.

Never mind. I got one.

When you come home tonight,

knock on my door.

Before you come in here, like.

I'll show you how to catch bugs.

- All of them?

- Oh, not all of them.

No, you'll never catch them all.

Just catch enough to show Doris.

- A black coffee, please, and a cheese roll.

- Thank you.

One black coffee

and a cheese roll, please.

Well... morning.

Good morning.

You're as full of surprises as I am,

aren't you, hm?

- Oh...

- Hello. How you feeling?

- Oh, much better, thank you.

- I got the soap ready.

I've been soaking the bottom of it all day

to make it nice and sticky.

- Oh.

- What time is it?

- Just gone past seven.

- Hm.

It may be too early for them anyway.

Let's see.

How do we...?

Now, when I say,

you turn on the light quick, OK?

- OK.

- What's up?

- What's up?

- Bug hunt.

You don't want to give them

any early-warning system.

Now!

- Eww.

- We got 'em. We got them!

Ugh.

- Now what?

- Now you take them and show Doris.

- Yes?

- Oh, er, it's me, Mrs, er...

Yes. What do you want, dear?

I wonder if I could talk to you

for a moment.

Well, I've got company, dear.

What about?

Bugs.

I beg your pardon? Did you say "bugs"?

Yes. I did.

That is a dirty lie.

Oh, no, it isn't. It isn't a lie.

This is a dirty house. I can prove it.

I don't want to see your proof!

Telling me about proof in my own house?

I've never heard of such a thing.

Why, I scrubbed that room myself

after poor old Mrs Williams passed over.

You have the audacity to knock on my door

just when I'm putting my feet up

- and tell me my house is dirty.

- Yes, but...

You're lucky I took you in, you know?

Some down this street won't touch

you foreigners, but my door's always open.

All I ask is a little gratitude and kindness

and I get it thrown in my face!

Well, I've learnt my lesson!

Believe me, I've learnt my lesson!

Well, nevertheless, there are bugs

in my mattress and I want a new one!

If you don't like it, you can get out

and the quicker the better!

I never did like you Frenchies! Always

on the grab. Nothing to write home about!

If there's any bugs up there,

you brought them with you!

Sorry, love. It was all our fault.

I never thought the old cow

would go off like that.

I mean, you were terrific.

You're going to go?

- What else?

- Wicked, lying old cow.

I am sorry, love.

I feel terrible.

- Toby?

- Yeah?

Are you sure? OK.

- Let me do the talking.

- Don't dry up. Remember your lines.

Thanks, Mavis.

Right.

Now don't forget, united front.

Go on.

Hello. What's this? Deputation?

Er, yes, it...

it is as a matter of fact, Doris. Erm...

As a matter of fact,

that's just what it is.

We've all decided to take a firm stand

on the principle of Miss Fosset's bed.

Oh, come for a mattress have you?

I've got it here, brand-new.

I bought it for myself, tell her.

Tell her to let me have the other one

and I'll get rid of it.

You can understand it, really.

Didn't like the idea of sleeping

on a mattress somebody had died on.

I told her that Mrs Williams didn't have

nothing catching, but she didn't fancy it.

Well, you can understand it, really.

Come on in.

Come on in and get it.

My friend will give you a hand.

Evening, all.

It's out the back 'ere.

Evening, Mavis, dear.

Good evening.

- How's the grub coming, man?

- Any minute now, man.

Hey, let me do that.

You shouldn't lift things.

- Why not?

- You don't know?

My mother always said

that girls shouldn't lift heavy things.

Perhaps she said boys.

Well, anyway, I'm here, so let me do it.

- Thank you.

- Hold on. They've got to be brainwashed.

- Oh!

- Die, you bastards, die!

Ooh! The smell! I'd rather die from bugs.

- Oh, wait a minute. This'll improve it.

- Uh-huh? What's that then?

Interdit.

Mmh, very erotic.

Do you mind, huh?

Almost a new perversion, isn't it?

Oh, you English

are so funny about smells.

You hate garlic, you're frightened of perfume,

unless it's very cheap and nasty,

but you love the smell of fish and chips.

The first time I went out for a walk

with an Englishman,

he took us two miles out of our way,

so I could smell a fish-and-chip shop.

Well, you see, it's a very powerful

aphrodisiac to an Englishman.

Before the war, most children

were conceived on Friday nights.

- Now what's this doing up here?

- Hm?

This thing?

Oh, that? Oh, well, he... he used

to look at me through the window.

Well, he did once anyway.

First night I was here,

he knocked on the wall.

Well, it's his wall too.

Well, yes, but what was he knocking for?

Just being friendly.

He's a very friendly guy, Johnny.

'Course, er, they're all a bit bent,

you know?

Who are? Negroes?

No, not negroes.

Well, how's that then, eh?

It'll either kill 'em or make 'em breed.

We may have started a chain reaction.

- Foodsville, man, foodsville!

- Great!

I'm starving! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Forks here.

Be right with you. I'll just get mine.

- What is it?

- No idea.

But he usually makes marvellous grub.

Mmh.

What's the verdict? Hit or miss?

Oh, must make the top ten. Will be played

wherever fine music is valued.

- No kidding?

- Mmh! It's marvellous!

- What's the title?

- It's a West Indian-Hungarian goulash.

- You're putting me on.

- You won't find that in the "Michelin".

I bet you won't find it

in the West Indies, either!

Well, the point is, Johnny boy, it's free.

Which is more than you can say

for most things in life.

I wonder if there's any mail for me now.

Nah. Not even a rejection slip.

You're a very great disappointment to me.

You haven't had one single letter.

- You shouldn't read other people's mail.

- Hello. Up to your old tricks again?

Good evening, love.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you. Oh, I never thanked you

about the mattress. Toby told me.

Oh... Oh, that.

I'd do the same for anyone.

You must come and have a cup of tea

with me one day.

No, Benjy. Go in, dear.

Poor old thing.

Getting very deaf these days.

I read the other day that some character

had a hearing aid made for his dog.

- Oh, wasn't that nice?

- Well, no, it wasn't as a matter of fact.

It was rather a tragic story. First time

the dog went out for a walk with it on,

he peed on the battery

and blew himself up.

- You're joking?

- No.

Of course you're joking!

Oh, you are! Oh, really!

Oh, I'll tell you... Terrible.

What's going on out there?

Who is it? Oh, it's you two.

I'm just taking a girl up to my room,

Mrs Jeffries.

Oh, that's nice.

Don't get the house a bad name, dear.

That'll be the day, dear.

Hypocritical old cow.

Look, er, all that apart, er...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes