The Ladykillers Page #2

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WE'LL TAKE IT BACK INTO THE STATION

- AND SEND IT OUT BY TRAIN.

WHAT ANY INTELLIGENT POLICEMAN

WOULD EXPECT US TO DO.

YOU'VE QUITE A FLAIR,

LOUIS, FOR THE OBVIOUS.

CAN'T YOU APPRECIATE THAT MRS. WILBERFORCE

IS NOT A MERE APPENDAGE TO MY PLAN,

SHE'S THE VERY CORE OF IT.

A LOPSIDED OLD GRANDMA.

YEAH.

HOW DO WE KNOW WE CAN TRUST HER TO DO I RIGHT IF SHE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING?

ONE ROUND?

SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY LIKE HER,

IT JUST DON'T SEEM RIGHT...

FOR HER TO BE WORKING WITH US

ON A STICKUP CAPER.

I TELL YOU, I DON'T LIKE OLD LADIES.

I DON'T LIKE HAVING THEM AROUND.

I CAN'T STAND THEM.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS BEFORE

YOU'VE ALL BECOME TOO ABSORBED,

YOU AND YOUR GUESTS

MIGHT LIKE A CUP OF TEA.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T.

YOU KNOW, PROFESSOR,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME

THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF...

AND THESE OTHER GENTLEMEN.

YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BI LIKE AMATEURS.

YOU REALLY MUST BE PROFESSIONALS.

YOU'RE EVERY BIT AS GOOD.

NOT QUITE. THOUGH WE ARE

RATHER PROUD...

OF MR. HARVEY'S TIMBRE.

AND THAT PIZZICATO PASSAGE,

MR. LAWSON- QUITE DELIGHTFUL.

MAY I ASK YOU WHERE YOU STUDIED?

WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY STUDY

ANYPLACE, LADY. I JUST PICKED IT UP.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SO SURPRISED WHEN

I HEARD WHAT YOU WERE PLAYING.

IT BROUGHT BACK SOMETHING THAT REALLY

I'D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT.

MY 21st BIRTHDAY PARTY.

YOU SEE, MY FATHER

HAD ENGAGED A STRING QUINTET...

TO COME IN AND PLAY

IN THE EVENING.

AND WHILE THEY WERE

PLAYING BOCCHERINI,

SOMEONE CAME IN AND SAID

THE OLD QUEEN HAD PASSED AWAY.

THEN EVERYONE WENT HOME.

AND THAT WAS:

THE END OF MY PARTY.

ALL THAT TIME AGO

IN PANGBOURNE.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'LL RUN AND MAKE THE TEA.

THE KETTLE MUST BE

NEARLY ON THE BOIL.

WHO'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?

OLD QUEEN WHO?

LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW WE DO THIS

JOB, BUT LET'S LEAVE HER OUT OF IT.

I SAY, HADN'T WE BETTER

DISCUSS IT LATER?

I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT.

I WANT IT SETTLED HERE AND NOW.

ALL RIGHT, LOUIS.

I'LL PUT IT TO THE VOTE.

NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE,

AND CERTAINLY NOT YOU, LOUIS.

ONLY THE PLAN IS ESSENTIAL,

THE PLAN, MY PLAN.

MAJOR, IF WE DON'T USE MRS. "W,"

IF WE CALL IN SOMEONE ELSE, WE'LL

EACH HAVE TO TAKE A SMALLER CUT.

YES.

GOOD, WE SEE EYE-TO-EYE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT MEANS, I WANT HER

OUT OF IT. TWO FOR HER, ONE AGAINST.

HARRY? I JUST DON'T THINK WE CAN

DEPEND ON A SCREWY OLD DAME LIKE THAT.

IT'S UP TO YOU, ONE ROUND.

UH.

YOU GOING TO LEAVE A DECISION LIKE THIS

TO A THICK-EARED MUSCLE MAN LIKE HIM?

HOW WOULD HE KNOW? WHAT DO YOU

MEAN? I GOT A VOTE TOO, AIN'T I?

IT'S A DEMOCRACY, AIN'T IT? AND

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MUSCLE ANYWAY?

OKAY, I'M WITH YOU AND THE MAJOR.

MRS. LOPSIDED JUST GOT ELECTED.

OF ALL THE STUPID WAYS TO DECIDE. BRAVO.

A MAJORITY DECISION

TO DO THE INTELLIGENT THING.

LOUIS, YOU ACCEPT THAT DECISION, OR YOU

PACK UP YOUR FIDDLE AND PLAY ELSEWHERE.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT THERE'S JUST ONE THING.

I'VE NEVER WORKED WITH YOU BEFORE,

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

BUT MAJOR HAS, AND HE SAYS YOU'VE GO QUITE A REPUTATION AS A MASTER BRAIN.

HE'D BETTER BE RIGHT. IF YOU DO YOUR

JOB AS WELL AS MRS. "W" WILL DO HERS,

I SHALL BE WELL SATISFIED.

YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOUR PLAN.

'CAUSE HER PART SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING SOMEBODY

DREAMT UP IN THE BOOBY HATCH TO WHILE AWAY-

WELL, NOW.

SHALL I BE MOTHER?

TRAIN NOW ARRIVING

AT PLATFORM ONE...

IS THE ONE-FIVE FROM CAMBRIDGE.

EXCUSE ME, MAJOR COURTNEY,

I WONDER IF PERHAPS

YOU'D LIKE SOME TEA?

I WONDER IF PERHAPS YOU'D

LIKE SOME TEA, MAJOR COURTNEY?

NO, THANK YOU, MRS. WILBERFORCE.

PLEASE DON'T BOTHER.

I COULD MAKE SOME COFFEE

IF YOU'D PREFER.

NO, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE VERY KIND. THANK YOU.

- YES, MRS. WILBERFORCE?

- SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MAJOR.

BUT BEFORE YOU START AGAIN, WOULD

ONE OF YOU HOLD GENERAL GORDON FOR ME?

I HAVE TO GIVE HIM HIS MEDICINE, YOU

SEE. I CAN'T QUITE MANAGE BY MYSELF.

MR. ROBINSON, WOULD YOU MIND

GIVING MRS. WILBERFORCE A HAND?

IT'S A PLEASURE,

MRS. WILBERFORCE, I ASSURE YOU.

I HOPE THAT ALL YOU GENTLEMEN WILL

EXCUSE ME. EXTREMELY KIND, MR. ROBINSON.

HE DOES DISLIKE TAKING HIS MEDICINE, BUT IF SOMEBODY

- I'LL DO IT RIGHT AWAY FOR YOU.

I'M AFRAID IT'S RATHER NASTY.

I'D BETTER ASK THE VET TO MAKE

IT A LITTLE MORE PALATABLE.

YOU LEAVE IT TO ME, MA'AM. I'M

VERY GOOD WITH BIRDS. OH, REALLY?

TEA, COFFEE, MEND THE PLUMBING,

GIVE THE PARROT HIS MEDICINE.

GIVE THE PARRO HIS MEDICINE?

- OW!

- OH, I'M SO SORRY. I DO APOLOGIZE.

NO, NO, NO. I ASSURE YOU, HE'S

NEVER BITTEN ANYONE BEFORE.

HASN'T HE?

I WONDER HOW WE'RE

TO GET HIM DOWN.

I AM SO SORRY, MR. ROBINSON.

I'LL GET A BANDAGE.

NO, DON'T BOTHER, MRS.

WILBERFORCE. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- SWAB THE DECKS. - SWAB THE

DECKS YOURSELF, YOU FILTHY-LOOKING-

OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR.

POOR MR. ROBINSON.

I'M SO SORRY,

MAJOR COURTNEY,

BUT I'M AFRAID GENERAL GORDON

HAS BITTEN MR. ROBINSON'S FINGER.

NOW HE'S ON TOP OF THE CABINE AND REFUSES TO COME DOWN.

MR. ROBINSON IS ON TOP OF THE CABINET?

NO, MR. HARVEY. GENERAL GORDON.

MR. LAWSON,

YOU'RE THE TALLEST.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TRY

TO GET HIM DOWN FOR US?

SURE, I'LL GET HIM, MA'AM.

I FEEL I'M BEING SUCH A BOTHER. HOW COULD

YOU POSSIBLY THINK A THING LIKE THAT?

OH, YOU ARE KIND.

...VERY FOND OF PARROTS, AND THEY WERE

AT SEA FOR MANY YEARS WITH MY HUSBAND.

HERE, I'LL DO IT.

- ALL RIGHT, PAVLOVA.

- CAPTAIN WILBERFORCE WAS IN THE MERCANTILE MARINES.

- OH,

BE QUIET, YOU NAUGHTY BIRD.

HELLO.

COME HERE, BIRDIE.

DO BE CAREFUL, MR. LAWSON.

GENERAL GORDON, GENERAL GORDON.

MR. ROBINSON,

DO CATCH HIM.

DO CATCH HIM. MR. LAWSON, IT'S ALL

RIGHT. HE'LL HELP YOU IN A MINUTE.

GENERAL GORDON. DON'T OPEN THE

DOOR, MAJOR. HE MUSTN'T GET OUT.

OH, MAJOR, COULD YOU HELP-

MR. LAWSON-

NO, YOU'RE IN THE CHAIR.

MR. ROBINSON. GIVE US A HAND, WILL YOU?

...IN THE CONSERVATORY.

OH!

I'LL GET HIM FOR YOU.

YES, HE'LL GET HIM. HERE,

GENERAL. NICE BIRDIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HIM.

STEADY, STEADY. NO

VIOLENCE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THERE HE GOES.

- SURELY THE THREE OF YOU CAN CATCH A PARROT.

BUT THERE'S NO LADDER. SOMEBODY

HAS TO GO OUT OF THE WINDOW.

GO ON, THEN.

LEND HIM A HAND. GET HIM. I'M

WOUNDED IN THE HAND. GET HIM YOURSELF.

OH, I DO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE DISTURBANCE.

NOW, YOU REALLY

MUSTN'T TROUBLE ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME

I JUST PHONED THE POLICE.

AND THEY CAME ROUND WITH THE

FIRE BRIGADE AND LONG LADDERS.

OH, THE WICKED,

WICKED BIRD.

IT'S ALWAYS GENERAL GORDON TOO.

HE'S THE NAUGHTY ONE. THAT'S RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE POLICE

OR THE FIRE BRIGADE.

I'M NOT CHASING ANY PARROT. I

DON'T CARE IF HE'S A FIELD MARSHAL.

LAND AHOY!

OH, DEAR.

GENERAL GORDON.

I'M NOT TOO KEEN

ON HEIGHTS, YOU KNOW.

NEVER MIND.

YOU STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

I'LL GET HIM.

ALL ABOARD.

- SORRY, MA'AM- - IT'S ALL

RIGHT. YOU COULDN'T HELP IT.

OH, MR. LAWSON. THAT'S GREAT.

NOW HE'S FLOWN OFF AGAIN.

MAJOR, WAS THAT YOUR NOSE?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

PRETTY POLLY.

GOOD MORNING, LOUIS.

WHY, THERE HE IS. I AM SO

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