The Last Boy Scout Page #3

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- She was f***ing Marcone...

- Dating, not f***ing.

Whatever. She heard or saw something.

The point is...

- She was blackmailing them.

- She hires Mike.

She got evidence to use on them.

Now we have the evidence.

We got Marcone and Baynard

by the nuts.

And that is why I love America.

- Hello?

- Hey, Calvin?

Shelly Marcone.

How you doing this evening?

I'd prefer you didn't use my name.

A trifle skittish.

If I didn't know better...

...I'd say you were contemplating

something shady.

Get to the good stuff.

I'll fast-forward it.

Don't!

It eats the tape!

I'm supposed to know?

Your car ate our only evidence?

- This car sucks.

- Shut up!

If this is ruined,

I'll crush your nuts.

If this is ruined, I swear...

Fast-forward eats the tape.

My birthday present.

Cory was blackmailing Marcone.

But not for cash.

She was trying to get my job back.

She's dead because of me.

Where you going?

Home.

I don't feel too hot.

I'll take you.

I'll give you a ride.

I'll take Cory's car.

I got the key.

I thought that was

Cory's car at the bar!

Cory had two cars.

Get out of the car!

What's your trip?

- What is it?

- C-4.

Plastic explosive.

They wired the ignition to Mike's car.

They'd do the same with hers.

Lucky for you they wired the wrong car.

Leave this for the cops to analyze.

You're putting that in the trunk?

No, let's leave it for the

neighborhood kids to play with.

Good evening.

Where's the gun?

- Bit late for a stroll.

- You girls should get home.

Streetlights are on.

Shut up, fuckface.

I'm fuckface. He's a**hole.

Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here

of his situation.

We can dispense with

the fun and games now.

- You want the envelope, right?

- Very smart.

Here's a man who knows when

a situation is untenable.

Good word.

You like it?

You do have that envelope?

We better give up.

We're dealing with geniuses.

Leave him the f*** alone.

Leave him alone?

Whatever you say.

Jake attacks his job

with a certain exuberance.

We're beat up by

the inventor of Scrabble.

He's still happy,

kick him again.

All right!

You want the hooker's envelope?

She wasn't a hooker.

Shut the f*** up!

Where is it?

In the trunk.

Give me the keys.

Slow and easy.

Give them to Jake.

Dumb bastard, you'll pay for that.

Open the trunk.

Son of a b*tch!

You alive?

I don't know yet.

Was that C-4?

That, or a hell of a factory recall.

Dead guys don't make bad jokes.

Sh*t, we're alive.

Get out of here.

I'll take the heat for this.

You positive?

This is a police matter!

And I'm sick and tired of sweeping

up your dead bodies!

Next time I see your ugly mug...

...I'll put a bullet in it!

You got it?

I just wanted to shake your hand.

Ben told me what you did for

the President. I respect that.

Hey, ugly.

Looks like our evidence got blown up.

We might have to get more.

Just won't let go.

You're like a dog with a Frisbee.

My girl's dead.

Her killers are at Spago's

eating chicken Marsala.

And their goat cheese pizza.

It ain't right.

No, it ain't right.

This ain't no game, Flash.

Real guns.

Real bullets.

It's dangerous.

Danger's my middle name.

Mine's Cornelius.

Tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Ever watch Soul Train?

Shut the f*** up.

We start tomorrow.

In the meantime,

I'd like to see my family.

Your family, huh?

You got kids?

- A girl.

- Does she like you?

No, not too much.

She likes Prince.

Go figure.

I like Prince.

An actual house.

I was thinking of a cave

with skulls and sh*t.

Feel like I been rode hard

and put away wet.

What does that mean?

It's horse talk.

Brothers ride horses now?

Cars are too hard to steal.

Do you wear a little cowboy hat?

I'm really good.

Maybe I could take your daughter.

Even look at her funny...

...I'll stick an umbrella up your ass.

Why aren't you in bed?

Darian's watching TV.

- I can see that.

- She's pissed at you bigtime.

What happened to your face?

My God! It speaks.

Nothing happened to my face.

It always looks like this.

What's wrong with his face?

His nose is too pointy.

His eyes are beady.

His ears are too big.

He needs a shave.

I am peeing in my pants,

you're so funny.

This is my daughter, Darian.

I'm Jimmy.

Why's that number on your head?

Is it a license plate

in case it's stolen?

It's a football thing.

It's my high school number.

When's graduation?

You want to be alone.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Over here.

She has your winning personality.

You get used to it.

I got some ice cream.

Want some?

Leave me alone!

I hate you!

She's pissed because I wouldn't

let her date Tommy.

I only missed the best

party of the year.

Why'd you say no?

Because she's 13 years old,

jerk-off.

- Want some ice cream?

- I'm not talking to you.

That's a shame. I'll miss

all the pleasant things you say.

"Dad, I hate you. "

It's chocolate chip, your favorite.

I don't care.

You're an a**hole.

You know how I hate to waste food.

Want to abuse me some more?

Shock me.

I hardly ever hear the word "a**hole. "

- Bet you get it all the time!

- That's enough!

- Will you ground me some more?

- You got it.

Yes, sir, a**hole.

- You're grounded.

- Leave me alone!

He thinks he's Ward Cleaver.

You want to talk like a trash-mouth?

Sound like your mother?

I have to hear this sh*t all day,

do I have to get it from you?

Go easy on the girl.

Don't tell me how to talk to my kid.

Let me hear all

the really juicy dirty words.

You're such a fuckup.

You're my daughter and you're

in my home. You will respect me.

- Don't call me a fuckup.

- Why not?

Mom calls you that!

She called me a fuckup?

When?

On the phone with Uncle Jay.

I'm a fuckup, but Uncle Jay?

There's a real standup guy!

He cheats on his taxes.

Ask your mother why Mr. Wonderful's

not in jail for tax evasion.

He doesn't f*** up.

Go to bed.

For $50 you could pay a guy

to pull her fingernails out.

Anything that much fun

I'd rather do myself.

I don't know about you,

but I need a drink.

Sh*t! That's you?

You were Ward Cleaver.

I was a regular Boy Scout.

You and the President.

Damn, hanging with the Man!

It looks like one of those

cardboard cutout things.

I once had my picture taken

with Don Johnson.

- Still got the picture?

- I threw it away.

You going to get a divorce?

I don't know.

You don't like women much.

I liked the guy she was f***ing.

He was my best friend.

He was a scumbag private detective.

All private detectives are scumbags.

But he tried to get you killed.

Friends can't be perfect.

I wish the sky wasn't blue.

I wish water wasn't wet.

I wish I didn't still love my wife.

Life sucks.

To Alex, the accountant.

Your accountant's name is Alex?

But he could have been.

Alex was my son.

I used to be married.

One Sunday, I'm away in Miami.

She couldn't go.

She was 8 months pregnant.

Walking down La Brea Boulevard...

...out of nowhere a truck jumped a curb.

Never knew what hit her.

She died.

But Alex lived for 17 minutes

in an incubator.

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