The Last Horror Movie Page #5

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why people make such

heavy weather...

about disposing of a body.

I mean, if you leave a severed

arm and a sackful of entrails...

at the bottom

of someone's garden...

of course they're

going to notice.

But if the meat's been cut up

and cooked...

and there's only a small amount

of it...

it just looks like

a few leftovers.

Of course,

there's quite a lot of flesh...

on the average

human being.

I mean, compared to a chicken,

for example.

So it takes a while

to get rid of.

But that's not a problem

if you've got a big freezer.

The bones you can boil

and then roast...

which makes them easy

to grind up.

Make quite a good stock,

actually.

All very simple.

No need to draw attention

to yourself and get caught...

and become everybody's

favorite hate figure.

Unless you want to,

that is.

Is there anybody

assembled here today...

who knows of

any lawful impediment...

as to why this man

and woman...

should not be joined

in holy matrimony?

Speak now or forever hold

your peace.

F***ing bastard!

You may well be wondering

if this is in fact a joke.

Not a very tasteful joke,

but a joke nonetheless.

Well...

it is.

Isn't it?

Max, you made it.

Of course.

How was I?

You were brilliant.

No, I wasn't.

I was sh*t.

You were brilliant...

really.

Do you think so?

- Yeah, you were brilliant.

- You were great.

You're just saying that.

That's right.

We thought you were sh*t really.

Don't listen to him.

Come on,

it's was a joke.

No, really,

it was a joke.

Look, it was.

You were brilliant.

Here you go.

Thanks for

helping me rehearse.

Always happy to support

the cause of art...

in my small way.

No, really.

It was a big help.

By the way,

where's your friend?

Who?

Your assistant.

Oh, I terminated

our relationship.

What?

He'd reached the end

of his usefulness.

I do wonder about you

sometimes, Max.

I wonder what you're wondering

about me...

now we've spent some time

together.

Actually, you're not wondering

at all, are you?

I mean, you know a few things

that Petra doesn't, after all.

I can just see that look

of superiority on your face...

even though you should have

a few doubts now...

if you're really

going to be fair.

I wonder what sort

of a conversation we'd have...

if we came

face to face.

Don't suppose

we'll ever find out, will we?

- Wait a minute!

- No, no!

Bill. Bill.

It's all right,

it's all right.

Calm down.

I just want to talk.

We've talked already.

This is different.

All right?

Bill, I want

to offer you a job.

What?

A job, Bill.

For me.

How hard was that?

Hello.

Can you spare us a few moments

of your time?

- That's you?

- That's right.

Do you mind

if I and my cameraman...

just came through?

What's the thing?

Oh, you'll love it.

- This is your place?

- Yeah.

Oh, wow.

This is a joke,

right?

It's not a joke.

What's your name?

Neil.

Tell me, Neil, why exactly did

you watch that film to the end?

What?

Did you think

it was real?

I... don't know.

You thought

it was a joke.

Yeah.

Supposing

it wasn't a joke.

Do you think there'd be

something wrong with you...

for having watched the film

to the end?

Well, obviously there'd be

something wrong with me...

for having made it...

if that makes it any easier.

Ok, let me

clarify things.

It was real.

All of it.

All of those people

were really being killed.

So there's definitely

something wrong with me.

What I want you

to tell me...

is whether there's

something wrong with you.

As you'll be aware,

I recorded this over a film...

called

"The Last Horror Movie..."

so in a sense it's the title

of this movie.

It's kind of an appropriate

title, if you think about it...

which is why

I picked it.

I mean, I could say...

it's an appropriate title

for this film...

because in

its self-conscious subversion...

of horror movie

conventions...

it's kind of a last word

in horror.

But you might think

I was a bit of a wanker...

which I probably

would be...

if I went around saying things

like that.

But I've got

a better reason...

for calling it

"The Last Horror Movie."

I'll show you.

No, no, no!

We didn't get very far.

I think he found it hard

to concentrate.

Seriously, though...

I had to make sure he'd watched

the whole film...

before

I showed up.

I've found

in the past...

that people

haven't been able to think...

while they're

being murdered.

Which is understandable,

I suppose.

That's why I came up

with the video store gimmick.

If I could get people

to watch it...

like it was

an ordinary film...

well, not ordinary,

perhaps...

but without me

standing over them...

they'd have a chance

to draw some conclusions.

Then we could have

a meaningful discussion.

Unfortunately,

Neil wasn't quite up to it.

See, I do believe

the ones who saw the film...

managed to get at least a sense

of what I was trying to achieve.

Once they were able to see

their own experience...

as part of

the whole project...

which I think is something

of a success, really.

The problem is...

I haven't been able

to get anybody to respond...

in a really interesting way.

That's understandable,

I suppose.

But it would be nice if someone

came up with a few thoughts...

one of these days.

How about you?

Think you'd have

something to say?

Have you thought of

something to say?

Maybe you want to ask me

some questions.

I'd be happy

to try and answer them.

Really.

You probably just want to

report me to the police, right?

Well, obviously

I can't let you do that.

You understand that

at least.

I mean,

if you're watching this film...

you've become very dangerous

to me...

as I have to you.

Our fortunes

are inextricable tied.

Clearly then,

we're going to have to meet.

Soon...

Very soon,

if I've timed things right.

You don't believe me,

do you?

You think this is some

art house film...

that's meant to look

like a home movie.

You don't think this is

the only copy of this film.

You don't think

I was waiting...

when you hired it

from the video store...

or that I followed you home.

Wonder where you are now.

Are you standing

by a window?

Maybe I'm looking at you

right now.

Or maybe I'll get in

just by knocking on the door.

I've done that

three times before...

if you can believe it.

People just let you in...

it's quite extraordinary.

They all thought it was some

sort of reality-TV stunt.

Then again,

maybe I'll have to break in.

Maybe I've already

broken in.

Go on,

don't believe me.

That's good.

It makes my job

a lot easier.

But it doesn't really matter

whether you believe me or not.

I've had a lot of practice

at this.

A lot more than you,

I suspect.

Whatever happens...

this is gonna be

your last horror movie.

I'll be seeing you.

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