The Last Movie Star Page #7

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He's a living legend.

Oh, my God.

[chuckles]

This thing is bigger

than the house I grew up in.

- [Vic] Yeah. You like?

- Ah! Do I like it?

[Vic] Mm-hmm.

[Lil] Oh, my God, and this bathtub

is even bigger than my car.

- Oh, well. That's big, I guess.

- [water running]

[Lil] Oh, my God. They have a bidet.

I thought they only had

that crap in, like, Tokyo.

[Vic] What?

I just figured out what that was

'cause at first I thought it was

just a guys' bathroom stall.

- [door opens]

- I can't believe these bedrooms.

I call dibs on this room!

- [door closes]

- I can't believe we're here.

Oh, my God.

I have to go look at this closet.

[laughs]

- [door opens]

- Oh, my God. Ha!

I can't believe you used to stay

in these places all the time.

[grunts] Oh.

Doug is going to freak out.

We have to Instagram

the hell out of this.

[country music playing]

[all chuckling]

[snickering]

- Whoa.

- Oh!

[shower running]

What the hell is that?

That was amazing.

I've never had room service before.

Oh, that's one of the perks

I miss the most.

Fancy hotel rooms

and room service.

[coughs]

- Vic the Dick.

- Yep.

You're lucky I'm in a good mood.

[scoffs] This is you in a good mood?

I'd hate to see you in a bad mood.

What do you do with your art?

Besides draw festival logos

and insult people.

Nothing, really.

Why don't you have a showing?

Try and sell something.

[sighs] I can't just roll up my sleeves

and throw an art show.

Use the bar.

If it's good enough for a film festival,

it's good enough for an art show.

- [sighs] I get embarrassed.

- Mm-hmm.

Doug loves to be the center

of attention, and I don't.

Gives me anxiety.

Nothing wrong with being

the center of attention.

I'd rather be famous and broke

than rich and nobody.

Instead, I'm broke and nobody.

That's the worst combination.

[chuckles]

Why can't you

just live in the present

and stop looking

in the rearview mirror?

All I ever hear from you

is "I was rich," "I was famous,"

I was this, I was that.

How about "You are"?

It's easier said than done,

especially when your brother's

little film festival

shines such a spotlight

on where I was

compared to how far down

I've come.

It's not Doug's fault

that you're not happy.

Okay, Dr. Freud.

I'll work on me

and you'll work on you.

Deal?

[Lil] Deal.

[soft music playing on speakers]

[beeping]

[laughs]

[audience laughing on TV]

[spraying]

[laughter increases]

[laughs]

[clatters]

[upbeat music playing]

- [crying] Vic!

- What?

- We have to leave.

- Why?

[Lil] All right. These are the pictures

I just posted of you and me.

And Shane likes some.

A bunch of people like some.

Then I saw that Bjorn likes some.

And he doesn't have time

to call me back all day.

Yet he had time to check Instagram.

[Vic] I don't understand this.

- Will you listen?

- Yes.

So then, I noticed

that one of Bjorn's likes

was also liked by Zoey Campbell.

Okay. Who's Zoey Campbell?

She's the b*tch who's been

trying to steal my boyfriend.

The one Bjorn says

they're just friends, right?

So then, I look at her Instagram

and see that she just happened

to post a selfie an hour ago.

[Vic] You're way cuter than her.

You got nothing to worry about.

[sobbing] That picture

was taken in my bed.

I put that bottle there this morning.

[continues sobbing]

[elevator bell dings]

[Vic] Will you wait?

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Satisfaction? I am going to kill him

- and then I'm going to kill her.

- Hey! Damn it. Hey!

[Lil] This is the last time.

I'm never going to...

- [grunting]

- [Lil shouting, indistinct]

[Vic groaning]

Oh, God. [groaning]

Oh.

Vic, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just got to catch my breath.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry. Uh...

Oh, you look really pale.

I've looked pale

for the past 30 years.

Okay, no jokes. Do you think

you're having a heart attack?

No, maybe I...

I've had this before.

Well, do you think

we should call an ambulance,

- just to be on the safe side?

- Don't be crazy.

I just need a minute.

Do you want some water?

You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna go get you some water.

Okay? Stay right here. All right?

Oh, God.

[high pitched ringing]

[man 1, muffled] Oh, my God.

You're Vic Edwards.

Gary, look. This is Vic Edwards.

[indistinct muffled conversation]

Big fan of yours.

Not just in the movies,

as a football player.

You were awesome.

- Adventure River.

- The FBI.

[muffled] Operation FBI

was so good, too.

And the one with the car?

[man 2] We're both big fans.

We grew up on your movies.

[man 1] Great to see you.

Love your work.

Whoa! Excuse me!

[Lil] Hi. Excuse me.

I really need water,

please, right now. Thank you.

Why? What're you doing

with the old guy?

Baby, let me get you a real drink.

An appletini for my future ex-wife.

[groans]

Oh. Oh, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. Have you seen

an old man right here?

He was sitting in that chair. No?

[man] No.

Excuse me.

Uh, have you seen Mr. Edwards?

He was just sitting on the couch

a second ago.

No, I haven't seen Mr. Edwards.

How are you enjoying your suite?

It's wonderful, thanks.

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,

an unexpected surprise:

Mr. Vic Edwards.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[jazz music playing]

Cuddle up a little closer

Oh, lovey mine

Cuddle up and be my little

Clinging vine

Like to feel your cheeks so rosy

Like to make you comfy cozy

'Cause I love you

From head to toesy

Lovey mine

[applause]

Can you imagine? The Vic Edwards.

- At your daughter's wedding.

- Absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. It's an unexpected

honor and treat

to be able to sing

one of my favorite songs

to the new

Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Delson.

What do you do, sir?

I'm a doctor.

Impressive. What kind?

A colorectal surgeon.

Hmm. You know, Mrs. Delson,

you have literally just married

a pain in the ass.

[all laughing]

Well, good luck to you

and mazel tov.

[both singing]

How did you know

Bjorn was such an a**hole?

You pegged him on sight.

- Well, it takes one to know one.

- Yeah, yeah.

Do yourself a favor.

Steer clear of the bad boys

from now on.

You can't fix us, you can't tame us.

- Okay, bad boy.

- Okay.

[laughs]

What about that kid Shane?

He obviously likes you.

Wow, you pay closer attention

than I thought.

Shane's been in love with me

since fifth grade.

Well, then go out with him.

Try out a guy who really loves you.

You might like it.

Yeah, okay,

Mr. Divorced Five Times.

How much do you really

even know about love?

Were you ever even in love

with anyone but yourself?

Ha ha. I've been in love

about a thousand times.

But real love?

Just once.

Just once.

[chuckles] It was fun

while it lasted, wasn't it, Vic?

We had some great times,

you and me.

You got to do things and see things

that most people just dream about.

- Oh, yeah.

- Where did it all go, man?

And what does any of it mean?

After all these years,

I still can't figure it out.

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