The Last Movie Star Page #6

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But, to be honest, I really don't

give a sh*t about football.

Well, that's your loss.

Sorry.

We were undefeated, going into

the last game against Texas.

They were ahead by two points.

[Vic chuckles]

We got down on the four yard line.

I wanted the ball.

I went up and over and I scored.

And then I heard this horrible racket.

The whole damn Texas team

landed on me.

When they pulled them off,

my knee was a mess.

I could never play again.

[Lil] That sucks.

[Vic] Yeah, it did.

Well, it's fun being a movie star,

but...

nothing compares

to being a football star.

Nothing.

[crowd cheering]

[announcer on PA, indistinct]

[announcer] He's in! He's in!

Touchdown, Tennessee.

[crowd continues cheering]

[seagulls squawking]

[sighs]

You know something?

This is the exact spot...

where I proposed to my first wife.

Great.

[scoffs]

And then everything went wrong.

I had this little ring box, you know.

And I was so excited

when I opened it.

[chuckling] The ring went flying out,

right into the water.

And naturally, I jumped in after it.

I never found it.

So I got a piece of seaweed

and I made a ring out of it.

Got down on one knee

and put it on her finger.

And she just thought that was great.

Anyhow,

she still said yes, and then we heard

music coming from the dock.

We danced right here.

And then, well...

we always talked about

we'd come back here someday.

But we never did.

[sighs]

Why are we just sitting here?

I mean, let's go in.

It's still a three-hour drive back.

Just wait a second, okay?

It's not that easy.

It's been a long time.

What are you so scared of?

So she's gonna look old.

You look old, too.

I beg your pardon.

Okay, not that you don't

look good for your age.

Oh.

So what's her name, anyhow?

Claudia.

Was she pretty?

She was the prettiest of them all.

We were just kids.

We had no business

getting married.

I didn't know

what the hell I was doing.

- If Claudia's number one...

- Mm-hmm.

How many times

were you married altogether?

Five.

- Five?

- Mmm.

[scoffs] Wow.

That's a lot of alimony.

You're telling me.

A buddy of mine told me once,

never, ever get married.

Just skip the middle man,

find a woman you hate,

and buy her a house.

But you're rich right, right?

I mean,

aren't all famous people rich?

Ha.

Just 'cause somebody's famous,

that doesn't mean they're rich.

Didn't you have any kids

who could help take care of you?

One, with Claudia.

Grace.

- Grace?

- Mm-hmm.

That's a pretty name.

I mean, geez, if you guys

were kids when you got married,

she must be, what?

Fifty, sixty years old now.

She's dead.

- Oh, sh*t.

- [softly] Yeah.

Sorry.

Should I just not ask

any questions about her?

It's best not to, if you don't mind.

[grunts] Aw, sh*t.

[Vic] There she comes.

- [shouting] May I help you?

- Yes.

I would like to see

Claudia Schulman, please.

I'm sorry, but visiting hours

ended at 7:
00 p. m.

Yeah, well, I came from

Los Angeles to get here, okay?

So let us in.

We'll just be in here

for five minutes. All right?

I'm sorry, but you'll have

to come back tomorrow.

Visiting hours begin at 8:00 a. m.

You can have breakfast with her.

- No kidding.

- Yeah.

Could you lean closer?

I can't hear you.

- [yelps]

- [Lil] Hey!

I'm gonna put this

right into your nose.

No. No, you're not.

All right, well, thank you, ma'am.

We totally understand.

Thank you. We will come back

a different day.

[Vic] I don't know who she is.

- [tapping]

- Yeah, all right, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Holy sh*t.

- Thanks. All right. Let's go.

Vic, are you kidding?

What the hell's the matter with you?

What the hell's the matter

with you, Vic? I mean... it's closed.

She wasn't going

to let us in anyways.

And if you kept doing that,

she was gonna call the cops.

You want to end up on TMZ?

- TM what?

- TMZ.

- What is that?

- Shut up. I...

Oh, bullshit. You just want

to get back to your douchebag.

Bjorn has nothing to do with this.

[chuckles] Oh, really?

That's why you keep calling him

every 15 minutes.

Will you leave the guy alone?

Oh, so now you're on his side?

You know whose side I'm on?

Mine.

I'm not leaving here

until I see Claudia.

Tell douchebag

you'll have to see him tomorrow

'cause we're spending the night

in Knoxville.

[stammers] Wait, what?

Maybe you're spending

the night in Knoxville,

but I'm driving back to Nashville.

You know you're a pain in the ass.

[Lil] Yeah, well, so are you.

[Vic] Bye.

What are you doing?

Where are you gonna go?

- Where are you going?

- I don't know.

Just away from you.

[car approaching]

Get in the car.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna stay the night

with you in Knoxville.

I don't want to be responsible

if, God forbid,

something bad happens to you.

Never hear the end of it

from my brother.

Besides, I think I saw

a Motel 6 back there.

We ain't staying at a Motel 6.

[Lil] Can you afford

for us to stay here?

[Vic] No, but that's the beauty

of credit cards.

[Lil] Still gotta pay it off

at some point.

[Vic] Let's live it up.

I'm tired of feeling like a has-been.

[dinging]

Welcome to the Knoxville

Grand Hotel. Checking in?

Yes, we are.

And the name on the reservation?

Vic Edwards.

I'm sorry, Mr. Edwards,

but for some reason,

I don't see your reservation

in our system.

Really? My assistant here

made it weeks ago.

Oh, uh, [scoffs] yeah, yeah.

I made that reservation weeks ago.

- No harm. One room, two beds.

- One room?

Yeah. One room, two beds.

Yeah, well, I made the reservation

for two rooms. So, two rooms.

[Vic] How much for two rooms?

Our rooms rates start at $650.

Oh, okay, fine.

- Well, then, uh, one room.

- Okay.

But unfortunately, Mr. Edwards,

we are fully committed at this time.

Interesting. When they say

they're fully committed,

it's always bullshit.

Clint Eastwood walked in,

you think they'd turn him away?

Hell, no. Now, you find me a room.

Please. And thank you.

Perhaps I should get my manager.

- [Vic] Perhaps you should.

- I'll be right back.

Oh, what are you doing?

You're gonna get us

kicked out of this hotel.

Mr. Edwards,

I'm terribly sorry for this mix-up.

I'm Gary, the night manager

here at the Knoxville Grand.

I don't know how your reservation

got lost in the shuffle,

but we'd be happy to remedy

that situation right now.

Oh, thank you, Gary.

All of our rooms are fully booked.

However, we do have

the penthouse suite available.

I would be happy to give you

that room tonight

for the cost of the standard room.

That's very nice. Thanks, Gary.

[Gary] Let me get that key for you.

Welcome back to

the Knoxville Grand, Mr. Edwards.

[Vic] God bless you. Thank you.

Thank you, Gary.

- [Gary] You're welcome.

- All right. Let's go, Vic.

- [Vic] You ready, kid?

- [Lil] Oh, I'm ready.

All right, Mr. Edwards.

[receptionist]

He didn't have a reservation.

Oh, I know.

Then what's with

the ass-kissing routine?

Who's Vic Edwards?

[scoffs]

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