The Last Movie Star Page #5

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thing a person can do.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

Well, don't.

You know what's depressing?

Growing old. That's depressing.

- You know what your problem is?

- What?

You need to lighten up

and appreciate what you've got.

'Cause pretty soon, bang,

it passes you right by.

- Oh, it's just that easy?

- Right.

That is so ignorant.

I'm not depressed.

I have depression.

It's different.

Having depression

is having a mental illness.

- It has to be medicated.

- Bullshit.

You gotta be a fighter.

Things get you down,

you pick yourself up

by your bootstraps

and you just trudge forward.

You're one to talk.

I see you popping pills all the time.

That's because I'm in pain.

Well, so am I.

What are you taking for it?

[clicks tongue]

Well, I was on Abilify,

which is a mood stabilizer

for bipolar disorder,

but it felt like fireworks

were going off in my brain 24/7,

so I tried Trileptal.

But that caused me to sleep

for two solid weeks.

And I was taking that with Lexapro,

which is an antidepressant,

but that turns you into a fat zombie.

And then I tried Zoloft,

which kills your sex drive,

and that's just not gonna work.

Klonopin is an anti-anxiety,

but that put me to sleep

for 10 hours, too.

And Lamictal,

which is similar to Lithium,

gave me a bad rash

all over my body,

which was so not cute.

Then they put me on Seroquel,

an antipsychotic,

which also put me

into a deep sleep for hours on end.

So they put me on Provigil,

which is a stimulant

that kept me up and focused,

which was good.

In fact, I had to try

several stimulants

before settling on Provigil.

Adderall, Vyvanse,

but those all make you act

like a coke addict.

The Suboxone gave me

scary hallucinations

and caused me to throw up

all over the house,

which, like I said before,

is super cute.

I'm currently on a cocktail of Provigil,

Ativan, which is for anxiety,

Prozac for my depression,

which helps clear the fog

from my brain a little bit.

And an enzyme patch,

which is an MAO inhibitor.

I mean, it helps but I can't

eat chocolate when I'm on it,

which is depressing unto itself.

Can I help you?

Should you be driving?

[sighs]

[upbeat country music playing]

[Lil] And we're here because...

Because that's where I grew up.

We drove three hours

just so you could come and see

your old house?

Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

[scoffs]

You are so corny.

Yeah, that's true.

Very true. [chuckles]

Whatever.

[Vic] I feel like

I'm in a time machine.

Everything looks the same.

Smells the same.

- Like dog sh*t.

- Exactly.

I swear my mother's gonna

walk out that door

and she's gonna say,

"Marty, get your tuchus

inside for dinner."

Marty?

Martin Schulman.

Nice to meet you.

Hold on. Your real name's

Marty Schulman?

Are you kidding me?

Nobody from my day

kept their Jewish name

if they wanted a career

in Hollywood.

Tony Curtis' real name

is Bernie Schwartz.

Who's Tony Curtis?

Never mind.

Can I help you two?

Yes, ma'am. I know you think

we're some crazy people

standing out here

staring at your house, but...

Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?

[chuckles] No, ma'am.

I actually used to live in this house.

I happened to be in the area

and I wanted to take a little walk

down memory lane.

Oh.

Must have been a long time ago

'cause we've been here

over 40 years now.

That's a long time.

[laughs] Well, this house

has been pretty good to us.

We raised many a child

and grandchild ourselves here.

You know, they say that

that, um, old actor Vic Edwards

actually grew up in this

house here, too. [laughs]

No kidding.

Ma'am, this is Vic Edwards.

[chuckling]

- Oh, I be damned!

- [laughs]

[laughs] You know how many times

I told people you grew up

in this house?

I didn't even know

whether it was true or not.

And here you are.

My God, here you are.

[laughs] Can I hug you?

Can I hug you?

- Well, please, I'd love it.

- Oh, my goodness.

[laughs] Oh! I can't believe this.

Here you are. The Vic Edwards.

[laughs]

[Vic] Oh, memories.

[woman] I can't believe this. [laughs]

Do you know what?

My brother and I

used to come

tearing down these stairs,

three steps at a time.

I don't know why

we were in such a hurry,

but we were racing like it was

the last thing we ever did.

[woman laughs]

[Vic's mother shouting, indistinct]

[sighs]

[Doug, on phone]

Where are you guys?

I mean, when are you

going to be home?

[Lil] I have no idea

when I'm gonna be home.

What are you guys doing?

He's on some, like,

weird memory tour

or something. Ugh.

Anyway, he's making me

drive him around

to all these places from his past.

He's on some, like, nostalgia kick.

It's so not fair

that she gets to do that.

First, we went to this

old little house where he grew up

and then we went to the temple

where he had his Bar Mitzvah.

- Did you guys know he was Jewish?

- Yes.

[Lil] Of course

you knew he was Jewish.

Then we went to the old pool hall

he used to hang out in,

which is now a cupcake shop,

which he ranted about forever.

And then I said,

"Hey, gourmet cupcakes

are super-trendy now."

Didn't care.

And then he had to have

a GooGoo Cluster.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe they just don't have

GooGoo Clusters in LA.

- I don't know.

- Mmm. Mmm.

[Lil] Now we're at Neyland Stadium

and he's just standing there,

staring at the building,

like a mental patient.

[Shane]

They're at Neyland Stadium.

That's ridiculous.

He was the starting tailback for U during the 1951 undefeated season.

Anyways, after this, he wants

to go to some old folks hospital

to see his first wife or something.

And then we should be

on our way back.

This is honestly all your fault.

My fault? How's it my fault?

Because you told him

I was his 24/7 driving slave

for the entire weekend.

Okay, whatever. Just take

lots of pictures and Instagram them.

- Oh, and hashtag the festival.

- Yeah, right.

- [quietly] Tell her I said hi.

- Yeah, Shane...

I can hear you. I'm back with Bjorn.

Anyways, gotta go.

See you when I see you.

[line disconnects]

[Bjorn, voicemail greeting]

Yo. You leave it. I'll retrieve it.

[Lil] Bjorn. Hey, it's me.

Again. Where the hell are you?

I keep calling you.

Anyway, I am still stuck in Knoxville

with this old guy.

I think probably another hour here

and then

it's a three-hour drive home.

And then I get to see you.

Oh, crap, he's on the move.

I miss you. Bye.

[rock music playing]

[chimes]

[Bjorn] Sh*t.

It's my buddy.

Mmm.

[Lil] All right, well,

it appears to be locked,

so we can reminisce

on the way back.

Sucks, but we have

a really long drive home.

What? What? Whoa.

What are you doing?

Vic, we can't go on the field.

That's totally not allowed.

- [lock clicks]

- Coming with me?

I love the smell of cut grass.

[sniffs]

Mmm.

1951. I was a sophomore,

but I started three games.

Full disclosure, I mean,

I really don't know

that much about football.

I mean... anything, actually.

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