The Last Movie Star Page #4

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to pick you up.

We'll go get some

famous Nashville barbecue

and then we got a big day

of screenings tomorrow.

When you show a movie

on a theater screen,

it's a screening.

But when you project a movie

on the wall,

it's pathetic.

You know, we're just starting out.

We're doing the best we can

with the money that we have.

[Vic] Your whole stupid

little festival is a joke.

I get it now.

The joke's on me.

You guys are messing with me.

No, no, Mr. Edwards.

It's nothing like that.

Put it on the YouTube and

the whole world will laugh at it.

Vic, we're your biggest fans.

We would never do

anything like that.

Uh-huh.

Well, that's why this a**hole's

following me around

with that camera.

Get that out of my face.

No, no, Mr. Edwards. Mr. Edwards.

Mr. Edwards, please.

No, no, Vic, Vic, please.

It's a liability thing.

I don't think we should fight.

[Stuart gasps]

[glass shatters]

[grunts]

You're a jerk.

- Doug!

- [Doug] No. No, Shane.

I've had it. I mean,

he just broke Stuart's camera.

You want to know the real reason

we brought you here?

Yes, because I'm stupid enough

to come.

Because we're fans, okay?

Because we love your movies.

Because we think

you're a great actor.

And we save all our money

and we throw

this film festival every year.

And, yeah, maybe some aspects

of it are a little low-rent.

- A little?

- But I was really excited

when you agreed to come.

Now I wish

that I hadn't even invited you

because you're ruining

the whole thing.

I wish you'd never invited me either.

Well, I did!

And you're here, so...

tough titty.

- Ah.

- [Doug] All right, look.

We've got a big day tomorrow,

"showings" of your movies,

so just suck it up, okay?

I'm so sorry you've got

to spend the weekend

being loved

and adored by everybody.

How... How terrible.

Nighty-night, guys.

Out. Out. Bye-bye.

- Out! Bye-bye.

- All right.

Wow. That's a whole new breed

of crazy.

Shut up, Shane.

I'm... I'm so sorry

about your camera.

It's all right, man, it's the school's.

They insure it.

Man, I told you the wording

on that invitation was deceiving.

He must be

a really unhappy person.

I heard he could be kind of

an a-hole but that was nuts.

I guess artists

are just emotional creatures.

Tortured souls.

But, I mean, what's there

even to be unhappy about?

He's Vic Edwards, for Christ's sake.

He's made love

to so many beautiful women.

[groaning]

[truck horn blaring]

[indistinct chattering]

[exclaims]

[grunts]

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[indistinct chattering]

[blows raspberry]

Hmm.

[woman] Get over here, Vic.

Huh?

[laughing]

Hello.

You just gonna stand there, Vic?

- [chuckling]

- Just gonna stand there, Vic?

[echoing] Get over here, Vic.

[echoing] I love you, Vic.

[laughing]

Get over here, Vic.

You just gonna stand there, Vic?

Get over here, Vic.

[groans]

[cell phone vibrating]

Hello?

[Doug]

Please tell me you're with Vic.

- Who?

- Dammit, Lil.

Are you still asleep?

I can't believe you.

Oh, sh*t. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

You were supposed to pick Vic up

at the motel 10 minutes ago.

Yeah, well, that's funny,

because I am almost at the motel.

Beep your horn.

- Hmm?

- Prove to me you're in your car.

Honk your horn.

Oh, shut up, Doug.

I'll be there in, like, 15 minutes.

- [Bjorn groaning]

- [yelps]

- Mmm.

- Cut it out, Bjorn.

I have to get to work.

- You have to get to work?

- Yes, I do.

What is that?

Driving some old man around?

Can he not wait 15 minutes?

Quit looking

so pleased with yourself.

I'm still pissed at you.

You got a funny way of showing it.

You didn't seem too pissed at me

a couple of hours ago.

Okay, it's called a hate bone.

You know you're cute

when you're angry.

[cell phone vibrating]

No, no. Don't do it.

Oh, it's Doug again.

Babe, babe, I really gotta go.

I gotta go. Okay? Okay.

[Bjorn groaning]

Lock up when you leave, all right?

Done.

Jerk.

- Bye.

- [door closes]

[knocking on door]

Yes? Oh. Only 25 minutes late.

Come on. Let's get to the restaurant.

The boys are all waiting.

Really?

What happened to your head?

Eh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

You're gonna take me to the airport

and I'm going back to LA.

But what about Doug

and the film festival?

Uh, what about them?

In the grand tradition

of Nicholson and Eastwood,

I will accept my Lifetime

Achievement Award in absentia.

Suit yourself.

[grunts]

So how's Bjorn?

Wouldn't know.

I see.

I suppose you just gave yourself

that hickey on your neck, then.

That was there before.

No, it wasn't.

You're a pretty nosy old guy,

aren't you?

I don't know if nosy is the word.

When you get to be my age,

there are clear cut delineations

between what is acceptable

and what is unacceptable.

What he did was unacceptable.

Oh, I get it.

So I guess your behavior

last night was acceptable.

I mean, to be honest with you,

you're being pretty shitty.

I could give two shits

about Doug's little film festival,

but you are being very uncool.

Well, that's life.

He'll get over it.

Are you always

this much of an a**hole

or just to lowly peons like us?

No. I'm pretty much

always a big a**hole.

[Lil] Wow, cool. Must be

so liberating to live your life

not giving a sh*t about anybody

but yourself.

Take the next exit, all right?

Why? The airport's ahead.

I can see that, but take the next exit.

To Knoxville? It's a three hour drive.

What time's your plane?

I'll reschedule it.

Okay. I can't just

up and go to Knoxville.

I got things I gotta do.

Bjorn can wait.

I was promised an assistant

and a car for the whole weekend.

There are things I gotta take care of.

Now, go.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

Don't you think

you ought to slow down a little?

We're liable to get pulled over.

[chuckles]

Cute.

Goddamn son-of-a-b*tch.

[horn beeping]

Goddamn, it's a Texas Mountie.

What the hell's he doing

in Arkansas?

I think you better pull off

to the side, Vic.

Well, let's just see

what he's got under the hood.

Bye, bye, baby.

Vic, take it easy.

I may be old

but I'm not ready to die yet.

[tires screeching]

[truck horn blaring]

[laughs]

What the hell's the matter with you?

We could have been killed.

You think you're gonna live forever?

Uh-huh.

Look, I know you think you've got it

all figured out right now.

Well, I do some crazy things.

Well, listen to me.

You're on a collision course.

You're about to make

a lot of bad life decisions.

Really?

I can help you

before you throw it all away.

Too late now!

[yelling] No!

[Lil] My current doctor

is better than most.

I still get the freakouts

and the crying bouts

for hours and hours on end

every once in a while.

But I stopped having seizures

and I stopped cutting myself.

Wow.

Now I'm really depressed.

It was really bad for a while.

I was convinced the only way out

was to kill myself.

Kill yourself? Are you crazy?

Yes. Haven't you been listening?

Killing yourself is the most selfish

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