The Last Movie Star Page #3

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Dammit, Shane. I said

no questions till the Q&A.

[Vic] That's all right.

Nobody doubled Burt.

But I did double somebody

in that picture,

and that was Rhonda Fleming.

[laughs]

- I had to fall off a horse in a dress.

- [all laugh]

All right. I don't know if it's gonna

get a lot better than that

- so let's begin the festival.

- [all cheering and applauding]

[music playing on speakers]

- [all cheering]

- Yeah!

Excuse me.

[movie continues playing,

indistinctly]

[Lil] No, I've given you everything

and you still cheat on me!

You cheated on me!

I've given you everything!

- I didn't have sex with her.

- You didn't have sex with her,

- you still cheated on me.

- [Bjorn] Give me a break.

Look at you, wearing these shorts

with your ass hanging out

with that stupid idiot

at this stupid place.

[Lil] Stupid... What place?

You're always screwing my friends!

- [Bjorn] I don't mean to.

- [Lil] You're an a**hole!

- [Bjorn] Get out of the way!

- Ahhh!

You're a downer, all right?

[Lil] You're the one

who cheated on me! I hate you!

You can't do this! How dare you?

After everything!

You got sh*t taste for men,

you know that?

Yeah? Tell me about it.

Next time some guy

gives you a hard time,

just jab him in the throat,

right in the Adam's apple,

you know, with these four fingers.

[mimics gagging]

Right there. He won't talk

for quite a few days.

Yeah, well, it's not some guy.

It's Bjorn, my boyfriend.

Well, ex-boyfriend now.

- Bjorn?

- It's Swedish.

I know. It's Swedish for "sh*t".

Has he ever put his hands

on you before?

You know, whatever.

I mean, he has to date me

and I'm crazy, so.

Ah. So it's your fault?

'Cause you're crazy.

Yeah, you know what?

You don't get anything.

And I don't need psychoanalysis

from some has-been actor

from Hollywood.

And speaking of Hollywood,

why the hell are you even here?

Well, I'm only here because

Clint and Jack

and Bobby De Niro all came.

- Clint Eastwood?

- Mm-hmm.

- Jack Nicholson?

- Yeah.

Yeah. Mr. Edwards,

this is the International

Nashville Film Festival,

not the Nashville

International Film Festival.

That's the big one. Yeah.

Those guys never came here.

Said on the invite they all won

the same award that I'm getting.

My brother invited them.

He just never got a response.

In the four years

he's been running it,

you are the only one

stupid enough to show up.

Huh.

[music playing]

[all cheering and applauding]

All right, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Edwards.

Where's Vic?

Uh, okay. Vic must be

in the bathroom or something.

Everybody sit tight.

I'm gonna go get him.

I'll be right back. Come on.

- Hey, where's Vic?

- I don't know. He left.

What do you mean he left?

He got up and walked out the door.

Well, why didn't you come

get me at least or something?

And interrupt the movie? God forbid.

Dammit, Lil. [huffs]

- Vic!

- Mr. Edwards.

He wants to be called Vic. Vic!

- Oh, my God.

- Holy sh*t. That's awesome.

- Come on, boy. Come on.

- [Doug] Holy sh*t.

Dammit.

Here you go. Yee-hyah.

- [whistles]

- Vic.

- Hey, Vic.

- [mumbles]

- Um, Vic, you okay?

- Come on, big boy. Up, Silver.

- [whistles]

- [tapping]

Everything all right?

Of course I'm all right, goddammit.

Look at me. I'm riding like

a son-of-a-b*tch. [whistles]

Go, baby. Yee-haw.

You know what my first job

in movies was?

Falling off a horse.

Great. Uh, what do you say

we go do the Q&A, huh?

- He's sloshed, man.

- [mouthing] Shut up.

I am not sloshed.

Anybody could fall off a horse,

but a good stuntman can do it

and get up and be okay.

And that is the art.

Oh. Awesome. Good to know.

Stuntmen never get

the glory they deserve.

I was always envious of 'em.

I should have stayed a stuntman.

Maybe. Coulda, shoulda, right?

You know, these would

actually be great anecdotes

to tell at the... at the Q&A.

If you want... If you want

to head back inside.

When I was starting out,

all they made were westerns.

I didn't know a damn thing

about Hollywood,

but I did know how to ride a horse.

So I snuck on the Paramount lot,

and when I heard they were

shooting a Hoppy movie,

I walked up to the guy,

shouting the loudest and I said,

"I'm the new stuntman."

Next thing I know,

I'm dressed like an Injun,

riding a caramel stallion

across the Paramount ranch.

And then I hear my cue. Bang!

And you know what I did then?

[whistles] Fell off the horse.

Bet I could still do it. Yell "Bang."

I'm sorry, what?

Yell "Bang."

- Bang.

- [grunts]

[Doug] Oh, my God.

Very good, guys.

Careful, Vic.

Oh, sh*t.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Edwards.

[all cheering]

[Vic mumbling]

[sighs]

[Doug] Okay, as promised,

Vic is gonna do a short Q&A.

Vic, your co-star in Kathmandu

was the lovely and talented

Virginia Donovan.

The studio PR department

at the time

played you guys up as an item.

Was there any truth to that rumor,

or was that just Hollywood hype?

No, I banged her brains out.

[all laughing]

But the rumors that

we were dating was bullshit.

Look, I'll give it to you straight

because I'm too old

to give you any crap.

When you're famous,

everybody wants to screw you.

Hmm.

So I porked about

every starlet in Hollywood.

Every cover girl.

Every cute extra.

Every hot waitress.

There was one makeup girl

on the set of No Can Do,

what a set of bonkers there.

They should have declared

national treasures.

Probably look like saggy socks

over the menorah now, but...

What was the question again?

Uh... All right. Any other questions?

Yes, Shane.

Um, at the onset of your career,

you were known as an actor's actor.

You even studied with Stella Adler.

Yeah. B*tch.

You were compared

to Brando, even.

But somewhere along the way,

you started choosing to do

more action-y films

instead of the character pieces.

Why is that?

And is it true that you turned down

Serpico for Johnny Speedway?

[sighs]

Well, you know,

it's getting kind of late.

We got a big day tomorrow

so I think maybe, um...

You know, but he's... he's right.

Pacino, De Niro, Brando.

They picked the right ones.

Bad choices.

[sighs]

Bad choices.

Well, I think, uh, I speak for all of us

when I say that you definitely

made the right choices

'cause we love all your films, right?

[all applauding]

Yeah.

Speaking of De Niro,

you sold me a bill of goods,

you little a**hole.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, you let me believe

that Clint and Bobby and JJack

all came on to accept

their awards here.

And they never been here.

I never said they came here,

to be clear.

Uh, I just said we had

given them the awards.

[Vic] What are you trying to do,

humiliate me?

Cannes. That was a film festival.

Venice, that was a film festival.

But this is just a bunch of losers

watching movies in their basement.

Screw it. [clears throat]

- [yelps]

- [all gasp]

[Doug] Holy sh*t!

[grunts]

[groaning]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[Doug] All righty, Vic, nighty night.

Lil's gonna be here at noon

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