The Last Straight Man Page #5

She looked sad.

On the back she'd

written, you can't find

love in a locked room, Lewis.

You can read about life,

or you can live it.

Be happy-

Grandma Rose.

Or you can write about it.

Come on, Lewis.

Let's live.

[whispering] Coop, are you?

[whispering] Yeah, yeah.

Just, just do it.

[whispering] OK.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

How does it feel?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Lewis.

What?

Lewis, take it out.

Take it out.

Oh god.

COOper?

Hey, COOP?

What?

It's OK, dude.

Sh*t happens.

That's not funny.

Look, it's my fault.

I should've prepped you.

How?

Let me in.

OK.

Now tell me when the

water's lukewarm.

Empty this out, and

refill it with tap Water.

LA tap water?

You'll be fine.

Now, put the cap back on.

See the nozzle?

Yeah.

OK, bend over.

What?

You heard me.

Grab your ankles and open wide.

Aah.

Wrong end.

- That's f***ing cold.

- Be a man.

Until five minutes

ago, I was a man.

OK, now sit.

Can I have some

privacy, please?

Rinse and repeat.

Justin stood above her.

The sun behind his head

making his long, flowing hair

normally the color of wheat glow

with the brilliance of gold.

Lorelei felt her

heart beating rapidly,

mindful of every single

bead of sweat on her breast.

I give myself to you,

my dear, Justin said.

His voice deep and echoing

as if from inside a barrel.

From this moment on, I am

yours, as you are mine.

Our names branded in fire

on each other's souls.

[toilet flushing]

Sound of success.

How do you feel?

Like somebody opened

a water park in my ass.

Do you still want to do it?

I didn't come this

far to give up now.

Wait.

On your back.

I'll show you.

What do you know?

They do look you in the eye.

Look at me.

How is it?

Does it feel good?

I'm guessing yes.

You feel so good, Coop.

I never thought

this would happen.

Lewis.

You're so tight.

Lewis.

It's like f***ing a keyhole.

Lewis!

What?

Will you shut the hell up?

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

[moaning sex sounds]

Oh, sh*t!

[moaning sex sounds]

Lewis.

Lewis!

Get off of me!

[vomit sounds]

COOper?

You all right?

Coop?

[toilet flushing]

Are you OK?

[vibrating phone sound]

Motherf***er!

Hello?

I wasn't near my phone.

Why?

When?

Is she OK?

And what about,

what about the baby?

All right.

Which hospital?

OK, yeah.

All right.

All right.

I'm on my way.

Is everything OK?

Of course not, Lewis.

When you hear the word hospital

in a phone conversation,

it's never OK.

It was the wife.

The baby came prematurely.

How are they doing?

It was iffy for a while.

But yeah, they're both fine.

I never meant for

things to get this far.

Promise me something, Lewis.

What?

Promise me that We will

never do this again, ever.

We can still meet up

for dinner or drinks.

Or a good cigar?

Yeah.

I love you, Lewis.

Love you, Coop.

I'm adad!

[music playing]

F***.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, Lewis.

It's Coop.

Hey, buddy.

Where are you?

Um, I've been here

for two hours.

How are you, Lewis?

It's good to hear your voice.

You too.

Uh, what number is this?

I didn't recognize it.

It's the home phone.

I lost my cell.

So where are you?

What's keeping you?

Um, look Lewis, I'm

not coming this year.

Why not?

My sister is visiting.

Her family's here.

[sigh] You can't get away?

I'm just having

trouble with this.

I feel guilty.

Then, you should jump

in your car and come over.

I've got the cure for

your guilt right here.

What's that?

Your favorite

whiskey and cigars.

You're making me-- you're

making this hard for me.

Literally, I hope.

God, Lewis.

No, I have to be strong.

The double blended whisky?

Of course.

I can't, Lewis.

I'm sorry.

We'll have to

forget it this year.

It's not fair to the

wife, to my family,

and it's not fair to you.

How is it not fair to me?

I just don't want to give you

the wrong impression, you know.

Sometimes I feel like you

think this is going somewhere,

and it can't.

Have I ever said I wanted

anything more than what We do?

Well, no.

Then, Why would

you think I do?

Wait.

D0 you?

No, no.

That's not it.

I have to be a grown up now.

You know, a wise man once

said to me let's just take

one day a year and say f*** it.

Let's lie in bed

and screw all day.

Whatever happened to that guy?

Somehow, he got

stuck with a wife,

a kid, a mortgage, and a badly

timed sense of responsibility.

Tell you what.

Why don't we just go

out to dinner tonight?

Some steaks.

Some wine.

Let's just hang

out and catch up.

That's harmless, right?

No sex?

No sex.

That sounds OK.

And at dinner, if our legs

happen to touch and I rub

my calf against yours,

there's nothing wrong

with hand-job under the table.

Right?

Damn it, Lewis.

Would you really do that?

Oh, you know I would, buddy.

I'd make you bite

your lip and sweat.

Oh, f***.

What are you wearing?

Jeans and a t-shirt.

Are your jeans

around your ankles?

They are now.

Oh, hold on.

What did you do?

Locked the bedroom door.

Keep talking.

What would we be

doing if I was there?

I'd pull your shirt off.

Then, I'd slowly rub my

hands across your chest,

pinching your nipples, and

holding you close against me.

Yeah.

Are you hard?

Yeah.

Are you?

Oh yeah.

Is it out?

Yeah.

Don't stop.

I can feel you against

me, hard and throbbing.

Ah, yeah.

I'd take it in

my hand and stroke

it, like you're doing now.

My hand is warm and firm.

Can you feel it?

Yeah, I can.

I'd pull you

close and kiss you.

I don't do that.

Hey, it's a fantasy.

You'll kiss a monkey

if I want, so shut up.

OK, f*** it.

Kiss me.

Stick your tongue in my mouth.

I'd push you back

on the bed and grab

your legs, pushing them back.

Give it to me, Lewis.

I want it.

I'd grease us both

up and push into you.

Give it to me, Lewis.

I can take it.

[deep breathing]

I'm still screwing you

watching the look of lust

on your face.

Faster, dude.

Go faster.

I need it bad.

Do you, Coop?

Do you need it bad?

Yeah, I do.

I dream about us sometimes.

Come on, Lewis.

Pound me.

Beg me for it.

Please, Lewis.

Please, take me.

It's yours.

It f***ing belongs to you.

Sh*t.

I'm close.

You gonna juice me?

Lewis, you gonna--

Hello?

Uncle Cooper, are

you on the phone?

Uh, you bet, Todd.

What's up, buddy?

Who are you talking to?

My friend, Lewis.

Do you remember him?

No.

Never mind.

My sister's boy, Lewis.

[Sigh]

- Hey, Todd.

How you doing, kiddo?

Fine.

Say, Todd Meister, hang

up so Lewis and I can talk.

OK?

What you gonna talk about?

Grown up stuff.

OK, bye.

Bye, Todd.

[laughing]

That was intense.

I know.

Does your sister homeschool?

Cause her kid almost

got an education.

Ba bing!

No, I meant before.

That was really hot.

Yeah, it was.

Do you really dream

about it, Coop?

Sometimes.

You're smiling, aren't you?

Maybe.

Prick.

Why?

Well, what a short journey

it's been from I don't get

f***ed to f*** me harder.

Faster!

[laughing]

You are a dick.

Apparently, one

you dream about.

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