The Lavender Hill Mob Page #2

Wouldn't you infinitely prefer

the comparative purity of an old biscuit tin?

Southend pier!

Oh, I... I've thought for years

to cut loose from it all,

But I never had the courage.

"Of all sad words

of tongue or pen,

"the saddest are these:

'It might have been'".

Forgive me.

Come and see the casting room.

We're busy at present on one

of our export lines. Paperweights.

We ship a thousand a week

over to France.

Here's a little... speciality.

Quite a simple process, really.

Pour the molten lead into the mold,

allow it to harden.

As soon as it's cool,

it's sprayed with gold paint...

And then it's ready

to be shipped to France.

"Slave, I have set my life

upon a cast."

Richard III.

I believe it's turning

into a self-portrait.

I shall call him

"the slave."

Oh, my dear Holland, I'm so sorry.

You're still feeling bad.

The heat of that place. I always forget.

No, it wasn't the heat.

I'm used to that in my job.

Oh, really?

Your place is very similar to a refinery.

Really? I had no idea.

We turn gold into bars,

you turn lead into Eiffel Towers.

That's the only difference. Only!

If I had gold to deal with...

- Yes?

- Ah, an idle dream.

- Must be a big responsibility.

- No, not really.

If anyone did rob our van, well,

it's virtually impossible to dispose

of stolen bullion,

In this country, at any rate.

Yes. Oh, yes, I imagine so.

But if it could be smuggled abroad...

What a hope. Well, I wouldn't say

it's out of the question.

Saying one had the means

of melting the stuff down.

In the kitchen stove?

What a job.

Oh, of course not.

It would mean taking

on a partner.

Ah, Risky.

Bringing other people in.

That would be essential,

in any case.

No one person could rob

our van unaided.

You mean,

he'd need accomplices?

Precisely.

A gang.

A gang?

Not so easy to come by.

Oh, I don't know.

With gold sitting

on the continental black market...

At two and a half times

its standard price?

I mean, quite a few people

would be willing to chance an arm

for half a million.

Yes, but how...

How would you get your gold

across to the continent?

Well.

Supposing one had

the right sort of partner,

In the form of, uh, shall we say...

Eiffel Tower paperweights?

By Jove, Holland, it's a good job.

We are both honest men.

It is indeed, Pendlebury.

Come in.

Oh, there you are, Holland.

Come in and sit down.

Well, Holland, you've been quite

the subject of discussion lately.

Don't look so worried, man.

I've managed to persuade

the chief cashier to give you a leg up.

A leg up, sir? Promotion.

You're going up

to foreign exchange.

No more uncomfortable journeys

in that dreary van.

But, sir... now, now,

nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.

Don't bother to thank me, man.

I told abercrombie that you can start

with him next monday.

- But I can't, sir!

- Why not?

Because, um...

Because... I'm too old

to change my views now, sir.

Ah, one's never too old

to better oneself.

Think what you can do

with an extra 15 shillings a week!

But sir, I like the bullion office.

It holds all I ever wished for.

The trouble with you, Holland,

if I may speak frankly,

Is that you

haven't enough ambition.

When a good opportunity comes along,

grab it with both hands!

It may not occur again.

Very good, sir.

I'll follow your advice.

So it's now or never.

Friday's delivery. This week.

Three days to go.

Two desperadoes to find.

- Bait.

- Bait?

I said, bait. Trap 'em!

Mr. Pendlebury?

- Hello, Mr. Pendlebury!

- Hello!

Why, good evening. Ha!

By Jove, what a bit of luck!

Just the man I wanted to see.

What's the trouble? That safe in my office.

Something's gone wrong with the lock.

I'll send a man round tomorrow.

I wish you would. It worries me a little,

Leaving the staff wages there overnight.

You know the address: "Gewgaws, limited."

"Gewgaws, limited."

You know, the back of rathbing place, there.

Fancy leaving all that money there.

Why, anybody could break

into the place tonight,

And help themselves!

Come on, number five!

You've done it.

Stay there, me beauty, stay there!

One never knows.

Somebody may have been listening.

I suggest we give them till midnight.

- Where are those guns?

- Guns?

Yes. It's essential that we're armed.

Here they are.

Here's yours. Is it loaded?

Yes. It's a present from Margate.

It fires a stick of rock.

The safe's in the office, over there.

You squeeze behind that bench,

and surprise anyone making for the safe.

I'm going over here, to prevent

an escape through the packing room.

Ready?

- What's that?

- Cramp.

- What?

- Pins and needles.

Reach for it.

Don't shoot, Guv. Don't shoot.

I won't give no trouble.

Please don't be 'ard on me.

I got a wife and six kids.

I never done

nothing like this before.

- Is that true?

- Yes, Guv. I'm on the level.

May I drop dead if I lie.

I been honest all me life.

It was just the temptation.

- This is your first crime?

- Yes, Guv. I swear it.

And I'll never

go wrong no more.

Suppose we asked you

to do a job for us. I'd do it.

That's all I want. A chance

to turn an honest penny.

Well, supposing it wasn't exactly

an honest penny.

Careful now, careful. We don't want

anyone who's going straight.

In any case, we need someone far bigger. Mm.

Such as me?

Who are you? Who are you?

Oh, take those things away.

I'm not hungry.

Name of Lackery Wood.

Otherwise known as Sawdust Steve,

the wandsworth boy.

Two convictions for 'ousebreaking,

one for larceny of the person.

Total 18 months only,

in 10 years' work.

Here you are... some cuttings,

if you'd like to see 'em.

How long have you been here?

Just long enough to hide

when I heard you comin' in.

Thought I'd been taken for a mug!

Me! What's the job?

Useful.

Never worked nothing else

but single-handed.

Sensible.

Very sensible.

Just the same meself.

Kept on me Jack Jones

ever since Nobby Curtis got me done...

- For that job at Bellamy's.

- Bellamy's in Bromley?

That's right. Last June, twelve month.

I was casing that joint...

The night you got pinched!

Well, what do you know?

I'm shorty fisher.

Ah, nice to have met ya.

Excuse me, I... I may be slow,

but do I understand...

That you two are, in fact,

Both professional criminals?

What else do you take us for?

Ruddy snoopers? What's the setup?

Just a moment, Pendlebury.

We require a team,

And if these two gentlemen

insist on working alone...

Wait a minute. You make it worth our while,

cock, we'll work in with the band of hope.

Eh, shorty? You said it.

Well, in that case,

if you would both join us in the office,

My friend Mr. Holland

will outline what we have in mind.

I must apologize, gentlemen,

for the somewhat informal manner...

In which we effected

our introduction.

But my colleague and I

have a certain proposition...

Which we'd like to put to you.

I might almost call it

a "gilt-edged proposition,"

Although, paradoxically,

it does entail a measure of risk.

However, when I quote

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