The Long Weekend Page #3

.. all enjoying the intimate knowledge

of each others' hot bodies.

Shim If you're really quiet,

you can almost hear the rhythmic sound

of all that sex going on.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Yeah. Well, it was really nice to meet you.

Um... good luck with everything.

Loser.

What are you doing here?

I live here, Where should I be?

Six inches inside Susie.

She was my final birthday present to you.

What?

A birthday present from me to you.

A girl that doesn't know how to say no.

She specifically told me

she wasn't interested.

All women say that.

It's just a hoop they

make you jump through.

Oh, man.

I cannot believe you didn't do her.

She's f***ed everyone.

Get some action soon,

or you could die of DSB.

DSB?

Dangerous Sperm Build-up.

"1812 Overture"

You think I haven't been trying?

I mean, I keep striking out.

I'm crap with women.

Then let me help you.

I'm serious. Let me help you.

Let me help you.

- I have to work.

- I can work around your work.

I'm spending this weekend at the office.

Come on. I can be your doctor of love.

I can be your feel-good professor.

- You're not listening.

- I will be your pallbearer of p*ssy.

I can be your psychiatrist of snatch.

Give you the bible of booty, buddy.

It'll be fantastic. You cant stop me.

You know that.

And I'll help you. I'll show you.

It's a deal. I know.

You want to make this deal.

- You need this.

- Stop!

Fine.

But this cannot interfere with my work.

All right.

It's a deal.

You're going to get laid

this weekend, buddy.

What are you doing?

Coop, what are you doing?

When William the Conqueror landed

on the English shores in 1066,

he had his invading army

destroy their own boats.

He wanted them to know

that there was no going back.

They were either going to conquer England

or they were going to die trying.

What's your point?

Ed, we're throwing away your porn.

I don't have any porn.

What makes you think I have porn?

All right, I got a magazine lying around

somewhere maybe.

I mean... Fine, we can throw that away.

OK. OK.

Well, at least this explains

why we spend 4,000 a month on tissues.

Oh, check it out.

First targets of the day. Now, be cool.

Hey, ladies.

What are two beautiful women like you

doing in a dump like this?

We are throwing out the trash.

Well, I don't suppose.

Any of that turns you ladies on?

Rug munchers.

- I'll catch you later.

- Oh, hey, wait a minute, man.

I thought we had a deal.

The deal was it has to

fit around my schedule.

Hey, and I completely stand by that,

but it is Saturday morning,

the perfect time to pick up women, man.

I mean, their defenses are down.

I know a place where the

women are especially

vulnerable to our

licentious advances.

"DAVID CHRISTIE:
Saddle Up"

And voila.

Attractive single mothers

on a beautiful Saturday morning.

Are you kidding?

As if single mothers

don't have enough to deal with,

they've got to be used and abused by you?

Hey, us.

Single mothers are at their sexual peak.

They don't have a man in their lives,

and they can't find one

because they're busy

looking after their

little ankle biter.

We're doing them a favour.

Oh, there's one. Look.

She's hot she's ripe,

and not a boyfriend in sight.

Come on, go, go, go, go.

Ahem!

Don't be nervous, though, OK?

If you have any questions, just say so.

Hi.

Hello, there.

Do you like riding?

Yeah, it's quite impressive.

What a beast, huh?

When I was a little boy,

I used to dream of having one like that.

What, is it too big?

Personally, I think the bigger the better.

You know, it's fine as long as

you do some stretching beforehand.

You look like you could handle that.

You sick bastard!

What? I'm just...

No! No, I wasn't...

- Don't...

- This man is a pervert!

"WADE:
Fall On Down"

Those fat bastards will never get us!

Yeah, right.

"A million fishes left to fry"

"And I fall on down"

"I guess it's all the same tomorrow... "

Come on. Get in.

"I guess it's all the same tomorrow"

I'm going

to have a heart attack.

That was fun, huh, buddy?

I don't know why we had to run away.

I mean, we could have

just simply explained.

Hey, you don't simply explain to cops, OK?

Especially when you're accused

of an alleged sex crime

involving a horse cock

and a pretty little girl in powder blue.

Running away doesn't make us look

any more innocent.

All right, let's go.

It's 12 o'clock.

I haven't even thought about work.

All right, I'm going to

see you at the... Oh!

What?

What the f***?

That's Simone.

The supermodel.

Her obituary was in the paper.

Now, why would God take

the life of one so hot,

when there are already so many ugly people

littering this planet?

OK, come on, let's go.

It's a damn shame, Ed.

Holy steaming vagina kettle.

Ed, you can't leave now.

We have hot women,

depressed and in mourning.

This is a once in a lifetime

opportunity for you, buddy.

This is a church, and that's a funeral.

Is nothing sacred to you?

Ed.

Besides,

we're completely inappropriately dressed.

"Organ plays"

We're going to hell.

An eternity of red-hot pokers up the ass.

It's definitely worth the risk.

Will you look at all the ass in here?

Oh, come here, child.

Let the Church comfort you.

Mmm!

Oh.

Excuse me.

Were you close to the deceased?

I was her lover.

Oh.

You drink from the furry cup.

Do you like men, too?

Haven't you taken a vow of celibacy?

Oh, well...

it's more of a guideline than a vow.

Oh, excuse me.

Maybe I'll baptize you later.

We are here...

Today is a...

I'd like to...

My voice. Would you mind?

- I don't think we...

- Oh, we'd be delighted, Father.

- We can't do this.

- Hey, I 'am an actor.

This is what I do.

They'll never know the difference.

Shalom.

Welcome to our church on this sad day.

A day to celebrate the life of Simone.

Anyone who knew Simone

knew that she was a beautiful woman.

And I'm not just talking about in magazines

or on the internet.

She was beautiful on the inside, too.

I mean, her bone structure

was out of this world.

But what lessons can we now take away

from Simone's short life?

To follow your dreams and to make each and

every moment count as if it was your last.

Just as she did.

And what also can we learn from her death?

If you're going to mix methamphetamine's

and Kentucky bourbon,

then don't drive the wrong way up an

off ramp into an oncoming 18-Wheeler.

"'Ominous... "

"Vacuum... "

"Indigenous scrotum"

"Amen"

And a brief announcement before we depart.

I will be giving, and receiving,

one-on-one grief counseling in the

sacristy directly following the procession.

Please stand.

And let us go in peace,

to love and to serve the Lord.

Coop, my wallet.

- It's in the casket.

- We can't do anything about it now.

Yeah, but... I'll...

We'll go to the cemetery after the burial,

when everyone's gone.

We'll ask them to open it up, OK?

Great plan.

I'm going to work,

where I should've been all day.

It's 5 pm, and I've got nothing done.

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